I'm watching the Royal Wedding (please don't judge me!) and someone important just spoke about being at peace. This is something I have been thinking about alot lately...
As a Christian, I should put all my trust in Him and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs) but is that completely possible? The entire point of my blog and shifting my focus is to let God work in my life without me meddling too much but I still want to control some areas, i.e. my love life. Here I am, watching the Royal Wedding and half of my heart is thrilled that two people get to be part of such an exciting experience and the other half is darkened with the hurt and pain of still being single. I instantly begin to think of what I need to do in order to find Mr. Right and then I stop myself and realize that in order to have what I truly want (a marriage that is everlasting and built on God) that I have to be patient. God works on His time and not mine. I need to be at peace with this decision.
Coming to peace with a decision is a great undertaking. I must be able to turn all of my concerns and anxiety over to God for Him to be able to fulfill His plan for me. As a human, is that possible? Is peace truly attainable? Do these questions mean that I am lacking Faith? In my head, being at peace means that I will never feel this hurt or pain or want to take control over this area of my life. Is my idea of peace unrealistic?
I don't do well with uncertainty. I hate not knowing what is going on or how something is going to work out. If God could simply send me an angel in my dreams to tell me that I will get married in X number of years, I would greatly appreciate it! I don't think that's asking for too much. If only He worked that way...I will continue to pray for peace and patience, with the faith that one day I will receive it.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Perspective
One of my favorite quotes is from Thoreau, "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." How profound is that!?!?! Perspective is everything! It's kind of one of those glass half full or empty, life gives you lemons kind of a thing. How are you going to see your world? And that's the best part...you get to decide the lens through which you view your life circumstances. Is there a better gift than that? You have the power and the ability to make lemonade or complain that your glass isn't as full as your neighbors.
Today one of my PAs made the comment that his plate is overflowing with school work, med school applications, PA responsibilities and many other things, but he has decided to tackle everything with a positive attitude. To him, there was no point in grumbling about all the tasks he has to complete, but realizing that it will be much easier to conquer the mountainous "to do" list with a positive attitude. Why is it so difficult for the rest of us to follow suit and live life with the same attitude?
My singleness is probably the issue that I struggle with the most. I often times view it as a prison sentence instead of a time to explore and learn about myself. My perception of my current circumstance is totally off! A dear friend advised me that instead of praying to find Mr. Right, that I should focus on being thankful for the life stage that I am in. I am in a phase of my life where I can pick up and do whatever I want to! I can move across the country, take a vacation anywhere I want, splurge on a manicure or have cereal for dinner, all because I want to! I was so focused on the negative aspects of being single that I never stopped to realize that my cup was overflowing with opportunity. I was looking at my life and seeing disappointment but when I shifted my focus all I saw were possibilities. Once I changed my perspective I was able to move ahead and become much more joyful in my approach to life.
My wish for you is that you will take a deeper look into your circumstances and identify areas that you can "see"differently. Thoreau was right, its not what you look at but what you see! A potter doesn't see a mound of clay but a beautiful bowl or a stately statue. How can you change your perspective and find more joy in your life?
Today one of my PAs made the comment that his plate is overflowing with school work, med school applications, PA responsibilities and many other things, but he has decided to tackle everything with a positive attitude. To him, there was no point in grumbling about all the tasks he has to complete, but realizing that it will be much easier to conquer the mountainous "to do" list with a positive attitude. Why is it so difficult for the rest of us to follow suit and live life with the same attitude?
My singleness is probably the issue that I struggle with the most. I often times view it as a prison sentence instead of a time to explore and learn about myself. My perception of my current circumstance is totally off! A dear friend advised me that instead of praying to find Mr. Right, that I should focus on being thankful for the life stage that I am in. I am in a phase of my life where I can pick up and do whatever I want to! I can move across the country, take a vacation anywhere I want, splurge on a manicure or have cereal for dinner, all because I want to! I was so focused on the negative aspects of being single that I never stopped to realize that my cup was overflowing with opportunity. I was looking at my life and seeing disappointment but when I shifted my focus all I saw were possibilities. Once I changed my perspective I was able to move ahead and become much more joyful in my approach to life.
My wish for you is that you will take a deeper look into your circumstances and identify areas that you can "see"differently. Thoreau was right, its not what you look at but what you see! A potter doesn't see a mound of clay but a beautiful bowl or a stately statue. How can you change your perspective and find more joy in your life?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Finding Gold!
The other day I read a quote on Twitter that has really made me stop and think. The quote was, "all that glitters is not gold." That has stuck with me over the couple of days as I have thought about what I want in my life. How many times have you seen someone with something that you want and become green with envy? My life story!! I even did it today in church, there was a couple sitting a row in front of me and he had his arm around her shoulder. I thought to myself..."I want that, he must really care for her"; but in reality I have no idea what goes on in their relationship. This could have been his way of being territorial and she could have been cringing by the touch of his hand. I saw something that glittered, but had no idea if it was made of gold.
Jealousy and envy run rampant in our world. We are constantly comparing what we have and how we look against others who we have no idea what their struggles or identities are. I once told a friend that when I see couples at restaurants I get a little envious because they have what I want. She confided in me that if I would have seen her and her ex-boyfriend together I would have seen a perfect couple on the outside but would never have known the torment that she felt being in a relationship. I saw glitter and perfection but would not have known it wasn't really made of gold. I also do this when I see a girl in a cute outfit or see someone that I think is skinner or prettier than me, but I have no idea what the story is behind the outfit or if the person is dealing with an eating disorder or other body image issue. It is so much easier to assume that everything has come very easily for that other person while we beat ourselves up for our own lack of perfection.
Everyone has their own internal struggles that we will never know about. I may have a wall full of Coach purses (yes, I said wall...I hang them up like artwork, don't judge) but I will be first to tell you that they have all come from the outlet mall and I had a coupon; but when someone sees me carrying one they probably think that I am financially stable and can afford to buy an expensive purse. This is far from the truth, I am horrible at managing money and some months I am strapped for cash and live off of oatmeal for a week People may see the glitter and make assumptions but have no idea that money management is one of my biggest stressors.
The book of James is probably my favorite book of the Bible. There is a particular verse that I am drawn to when I think about gold, glittering and "wanting". James talks about desire giving birth to sin, and that "everything good and perfect gift is from above". This is the Truth! We all have desires and wants and we all see what we perceive to be gold in other people's lives and our jealousy or envy can drive us to make choices that aren't acceptable. For instance, maxing out credit cards, remaining in unstable relationships or coveting what our neighbor has. We must turn to God and ask with unwavering faith (James 1:6) for wisdom and when we do He will bless us! God is the gold that we should be striving for, He is the only perfection we will ever know. Next time you see someone with something you want, stop and say a prayer and be thankful for want you have and where you are in your life and you will start to see all your blessings sparkle and glitter a little more. .
Jealousy and envy run rampant in our world. We are constantly comparing what we have and how we look against others who we have no idea what their struggles or identities are. I once told a friend that when I see couples at restaurants I get a little envious because they have what I want. She confided in me that if I would have seen her and her ex-boyfriend together I would have seen a perfect couple on the outside but would never have known the torment that she felt being in a relationship. I saw glitter and perfection but would not have known it wasn't really made of gold. I also do this when I see a girl in a cute outfit or see someone that I think is skinner or prettier than me, but I have no idea what the story is behind the outfit or if the person is dealing with an eating disorder or other body image issue. It is so much easier to assume that everything has come very easily for that other person while we beat ourselves up for our own lack of perfection.
Everyone has their own internal struggles that we will never know about. I may have a wall full of Coach purses (yes, I said wall...I hang them up like artwork, don't judge) but I will be first to tell you that they have all come from the outlet mall and I had a coupon; but when someone sees me carrying one they probably think that I am financially stable and can afford to buy an expensive purse. This is far from the truth, I am horrible at managing money and some months I am strapped for cash and live off of oatmeal for a week People may see the glitter and make assumptions but have no idea that money management is one of my biggest stressors.
The book of James is probably my favorite book of the Bible. There is a particular verse that I am drawn to when I think about gold, glittering and "wanting". James talks about desire giving birth to sin, and that "everything good and perfect gift is from above". This is the Truth! We all have desires and wants and we all see what we perceive to be gold in other people's lives and our jealousy or envy can drive us to make choices that aren't acceptable. For instance, maxing out credit cards, remaining in unstable relationships or coveting what our neighbor has. We must turn to God and ask with unwavering faith (James 1:6) for wisdom and when we do He will bless us! God is the gold that we should be striving for, He is the only perfection we will ever know. Next time you see someone with something you want, stop and say a prayer and be thankful for want you have and where you are in your life and you will start to see all your blessings sparkle and glitter a little more. .
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Character
It is no surprise to anyone that I have tried on-line dating a time or two. I've put profiles on match, chemistry and eharmony, I have yet to find Mr. Right or have any kind of considerable luck. Each time I look at my profile and wonder what am I doing wrong. Do I need more pictures? Do I talk about my faith and relationship with God too much? Does my profile paint the right picture of who I truly am? That is the hardest part of on-line dating, describing who you are by answering questions in 200 words or less! How can I define who I really am in 200 words? Better yet, do I know who I really am?
People say that college is the time to find yourself and discover who you really are. Does that mean the day you graduate you all of a sudden have the answers to life's most difficult questions? If so, that is one test that I managed to fail. I'm 30 years old and I am still not sure of who I really am. I know what my morals, ethics and values are but I find it difficult to describe who I am. If you ask me to describe my best friend, I can describe her with much detail, but ask me about myself and I"m not exactly sure what to say.
There are so many factors that define who we are; the roles that we play, our chosen profession/careers, our friends, our actions, our words, and the list goes on and on. The question that I want to pose is...how intentional are we when we assume our roles, carry out our job descriptions or choose our actions? These decisions are what make us who we are! My eharmony profile says that I love to go two stepping, listen to live music and travel. That's all fine and dandy but those interest do not even begin to define me as a person. Someone once told me that everything I do in a day matters, and that is very true. How I decide to react to an angry parent in the office reveals my character. The words I choose to describe my day or attitude reveals my character. My character is who I am!
Finding yourself and discovering who you are is a life long journey. As I move through my life and learn different lessons, assume new roles, and encounter new challenges I will continue to learn who I am. I urge you to do the same. God will present you with obstacles to overcome and joyous occasions to celebrate that will contribute to your character. My wish for you is that you live each day with intention, don't let a moment slip through your fingers, reveal your character to the world. Acknowledge that this is a never ending process and that the journey is what matters the most!
People say that college is the time to find yourself and discover who you really are. Does that mean the day you graduate you all of a sudden have the answers to life's most difficult questions? If so, that is one test that I managed to fail. I'm 30 years old and I am still not sure of who I really am. I know what my morals, ethics and values are but I find it difficult to describe who I am. If you ask me to describe my best friend, I can describe her with much detail, but ask me about myself and I"m not exactly sure what to say.
There are so many factors that define who we are; the roles that we play, our chosen profession/careers, our friends, our actions, our words, and the list goes on and on. The question that I want to pose is...how intentional are we when we assume our roles, carry out our job descriptions or choose our actions? These decisions are what make us who we are! My eharmony profile says that I love to go two stepping, listen to live music and travel. That's all fine and dandy but those interest do not even begin to define me as a person. Someone once told me that everything I do in a day matters, and that is very true. How I decide to react to an angry parent in the office reveals my character. The words I choose to describe my day or attitude reveals my character. My character is who I am!
Finding yourself and discovering who you are is a life long journey. As I move through my life and learn different lessons, assume new roles, and encounter new challenges I will continue to learn who I am. I urge you to do the same. God will present you with obstacles to overcome and joyous occasions to celebrate that will contribute to your character. My wish for you is that you live each day with intention, don't let a moment slip through your fingers, reveal your character to the world. Acknowledge that this is a never ending process and that the journey is what matters the most!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Spirit of Want
Hello, my name is Ashley and I am a shopaholic! To some of you this is not a surprise at all, you know of my love for cute clothes, trendy accessories and Coach bags. It is truly an addiction that I am trying to shake. The reason I'm trying to set aside my materialistic ways it that I use shopping as a coping mechanism. I take retail therapy to a whole new level. I purchase things to make me feel better. How could a new pink Coach not brighten anyone's day? Shopping is also how I know that I am emotionally in a bad place, the worse I feel the more I shop. I shouldn't turn to Ann Taylor or Tiffany's to make me feel better, I should turn to God.
The first time I read Matthew 6:19-21, my parent's home in Killeen had recently been burglarized. It was shortly after my grandmother had passed away, and it had been a hectic day of moving some of her belongings. My mom didn't even tell me about the burglary until I asked where all my jewelery had gone. I had kept all the pieces that my grandmother had given me over the years in the top drawer of the dresser in my room. She broke down and told me that some kids had gotten in and stolen quite a bit from the house. I was so incredibly mad and frustrated. Someone had taken the only precious things that I had left from my grandmother and most like likely hocked them at a pawn shop. Shortly after this incident I managed to stumble across the verses in Matthew: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart will be also.". My true treasure is my grandmother, and her love for me consumes my heart. No one will ever be able to take that away from me.
My community group is currently reading a book entitled "Calm My Anxious Heart" and the chapter for this week centers on possessions and recognizing that everything is God's. She uses the verse from Matthew to illustrate God's love and what the desires of are hearts should be. She also challenges her readers to stop and ask themselves "Where is my treasure? Where is my heart?" when faced with the decision to purchase something. I am challenging you to do the exact same thing. Learn where you place your focus and desires.
Over the years I have developed a Spirit of Want and not a Spirit of Contentment or Peace and I believe that is the root for many of my personal trials. My "want" now is God, and His love for me is totally free! I need to stop worrying about if my clothes make me look frumpy or if anyone will notice that I wore the same pants twice in one week, I need to worry about showing others love and being a woman of character. I want people to like me for the person I am, not the labels or styles that I wear. I know that I will continue to shop and purchase an occasional Coach (on sale...at the outlet mall), but this is not where I will seek joy from. I will find joy in my relationship with God and being a reflection of Him.
This will be a topic that I blog about a lot because I am trying to become more content with who I am and what I have, which links itself very well with my budgetary issues. I wasn't kidding when I said I was a big mess! I truly do hope that my words are encouraging some of you to dig deeper into your own lives. I'm trying to tear down my walls and be vulnerable and honest with each post. I want you to share in this journey with me and I love reading the comments that you all post as well. It makes me feel like I'm not out here all alone. Thank you for your support!
The first time I read Matthew 6:19-21, my parent's home in Killeen had recently been burglarized. It was shortly after my grandmother had passed away, and it had been a hectic day of moving some of her belongings. My mom didn't even tell me about the burglary until I asked where all my jewelery had gone. I had kept all the pieces that my grandmother had given me over the years in the top drawer of the dresser in my room. She broke down and told me that some kids had gotten in and stolen quite a bit from the house. I was so incredibly mad and frustrated. Someone had taken the only precious things that I had left from my grandmother and most like likely hocked them at a pawn shop. Shortly after this incident I managed to stumble across the verses in Matthew: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart will be also.". My true treasure is my grandmother, and her love for me consumes my heart. No one will ever be able to take that away from me.
My community group is currently reading a book entitled "Calm My Anxious Heart" and the chapter for this week centers on possessions and recognizing that everything is God's. She uses the verse from Matthew to illustrate God's love and what the desires of are hearts should be. She also challenges her readers to stop and ask themselves "Where is my treasure? Where is my heart?" when faced with the decision to purchase something. I am challenging you to do the exact same thing. Learn where you place your focus and desires.
Over the years I have developed a Spirit of Want and not a Spirit of Contentment or Peace and I believe that is the root for many of my personal trials. My "want" now is God, and His love for me is totally free! I need to stop worrying about if my clothes make me look frumpy or if anyone will notice that I wore the same pants twice in one week, I need to worry about showing others love and being a woman of character. I want people to like me for the person I am, not the labels or styles that I wear. I know that I will continue to shop and purchase an occasional Coach (on sale...at the outlet mall), but this is not where I will seek joy from. I will find joy in my relationship with God and being a reflection of Him.
This will be a topic that I blog about a lot because I am trying to become more content with who I am and what I have, which links itself very well with my budgetary issues. I wasn't kidding when I said I was a big mess! I truly do hope that my words are encouraging some of you to dig deeper into your own lives. I'm trying to tear down my walls and be vulnerable and honest with each post. I want you to share in this journey with me and I love reading the comments that you all post as well. It makes me feel like I'm not out here all alone. Thank you for your support!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Dream a Little Dream
Last night I had a fairly extensive dream with my ex-boyfriend in it and it is continuing to haunt me. I really did think that I had found "The One" when we started dating. We jumped into the deep end very quickly and he was even talking about how we would move in together one day, just a month into our relationship. He broke up with me after four months, but we continued to hang out for awhile until I told him that I couldn't be just his friend anymore. It was too hard to go out as friends and not want more. I knew that I would continue to make him a priority when he would not make me one. When he ended things he simply told me that he had some issues that he needed to figure out on his own and he never let me know what those issues were.
In the dream, I randomly saw him at a party and had the opportunity to talk to him about why he left me. Of course, now that I am awake I have no recollection of the conversation, my heart just aches with the memory of him. I've also been dreaming about someone else that I was involved with and I miss him too. I know that nothing will ever come of these past relationships but I can't seem to let them go. The weird part of all of this is, is that I never felt like a priority to either person. I wanted to give my life to both of them but they didn't let me. I tried to do everything in my power to please one of them but always seemed to miss the mark. God desperately wants me to give my life to him but I can't seem to give him control. This is a win-win situation but yet I am still hesitant. I am a priority to God and He would give me everything I dreamed of if I could just trust Him. It seems like I trust Him in all areas of my life except those issues concerning love...and that is the most important area.
I've come along way in moving past these relationships and I know with God's help I will continue to be successful. I also hope that I can use my experience to help a dear friend who is struggling with a similar issue. She is beautiful, loving, and caring but has been so deeply hurt that she can't see this anymore. I want God to use me in her life so that we can both learn to trust in Him more.
In the dream, I randomly saw him at a party and had the opportunity to talk to him about why he left me. Of course, now that I am awake I have no recollection of the conversation, my heart just aches with the memory of him. I've also been dreaming about someone else that I was involved with and I miss him too. I know that nothing will ever come of these past relationships but I can't seem to let them go. The weird part of all of this is, is that I never felt like a priority to either person. I wanted to give my life to both of them but they didn't let me. I tried to do everything in my power to please one of them but always seemed to miss the mark. God desperately wants me to give my life to him but I can't seem to give him control. This is a win-win situation but yet I am still hesitant. I am a priority to God and He would give me everything I dreamed of if I could just trust Him. It seems like I trust Him in all areas of my life except those issues concerning love...and that is the most important area.
I've come along way in moving past these relationships and I know with God's help I will continue to be successful. I also hope that I can use my experience to help a dear friend who is struggling with a similar issue. She is beautiful, loving, and caring but has been so deeply hurt that she can't see this anymore. I want God to use me in her life so that we can both learn to trust in Him more.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
No Pain, No Gain?!?!?!?
In my attempt to lead a more healthy lifestyle I borrowed Kaytie's copy of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and it just kicked my butt! That woman is intense, but if I can get abs like her's I will muster through the pain. I also didn't realize that people still did jumping jacks for cardio, that wasn't the hard part, the hard part was trying not to kick Posey as she tried to bite my bouncing shoelaces!
Part of my desire to be healthier is of course to be thinner! Thank you society for giving me an unrealistic idea of what true beauty is. I know in my heart that being thinner will not ultimately make me beautiful. One of my favorite scriptures is Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in its time". I don't think that means that we are all walking around as ugly ducklings waiting for the magic wand to turn us into a swan, but it is through maturity and growth that we all recognize our own beauty. It is almost like a paint by number, we fill in one color at a time watching the entire picture come into view; through time and the challenges God has blessed us with, we add color to our lives and see our own picture come into focus.
Often times we simply miss the picture and see only blobs of color, with God's help we can begin to realize how the colors come together to make a masterpiece. I say all of this but right now I feel like a toddler has been working on my paint by number and its a big ol' mess! More important than my appearance I need to work on seeing the beauty in the person that I am. He created me in His image and I should strive not to weigh less but to love others and model the truth in His word.
I am going to continue to exercise and strive to lose a few pounds, but not because I want to be supermodel thin but because I want to take care of the body that God has given me. I have to start taking better care of myself in order to feel better and have less "bad diabetic days". Jillian Michaels and I will be spending a lot of quality time together! :)
Part of my desire to be healthier is of course to be thinner! Thank you society for giving me an unrealistic idea of what true beauty is. I know in my heart that being thinner will not ultimately make me beautiful. One of my favorite scriptures is Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in its time". I don't think that means that we are all walking around as ugly ducklings waiting for the magic wand to turn us into a swan, but it is through maturity and growth that we all recognize our own beauty. It is almost like a paint by number, we fill in one color at a time watching the entire picture come into view; through time and the challenges God has blessed us with, we add color to our lives and see our own picture come into focus.
Often times we simply miss the picture and see only blobs of color, with God's help we can begin to realize how the colors come together to make a masterpiece. I say all of this but right now I feel like a toddler has been working on my paint by number and its a big ol' mess! More important than my appearance I need to work on seeing the beauty in the person that I am. He created me in His image and I should strive not to weigh less but to love others and model the truth in His word.
I am going to continue to exercise and strive to lose a few pounds, but not because I want to be supermodel thin but because I want to take care of the body that God has given me. I have to start taking better care of myself in order to feel better and have less "bad diabetic days". Jillian Michaels and I will be spending a lot of quality time together! :)
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