Webster's Dictionary defines shame as a painful emotion or a condition of humiliating disgrace. That's pretty heavy and gives you something to think about. I've never really thought much about shame and what it really is. The word is thrown around Christian circles and is often followed closely by the word "guilt". I figured that since I really didn't feel guilty about anything that I didn't shouldn't be shameful.
I'm going through a ministry right now that is forcing me to get to the root problem of my insecurities and body image issues.My group is at the phase where we are trudging through past memories to find out what has caused our current behavior. I was reading a devotional this morning based on shame and realized that this is indeed part of my story and why I focus so much on my clothes and how I look.
I was teased and made fun of from elementary school to college because of my appearance.I had plastic surgery the summer after I graduated with my BA to correct my protruding ears. I lacked the cartilage that naturally creates a fold in the top part of the ear which shapes the ear back towards the head. I was called "dumbo" until high school and people even pointed them out in college. I can vividly remember being at my locker in middle school and having people thump the back of my ears when they walked by. I never wore my hair back and did the best I could to hide them to avoid embarrassment and teasing.
I can remember being made fun of in middle school because my jeans were not the right length and in high school because my skin was too fair. I was regularly called "casper" and that lasted through high school. In seventh grade I had a fake Dooney and Burke and was teased for that as well. I hadn't realized how much I let these incidents haunt me. Today, at the age of 32, I still carry around the hurt and shame that was cultivated so many years ago. I don't feel that I measure up when it comes to my appearance. I don't want to give anyone the opportunity to make fun of me, I had plastic surgery, I use self-tanner, I always make sure my jeans are the appropriate length. I try to stay up-to-date on trends and match what everyone else is wearing. I can't afford brand name labels, so I do my best to make sure I immolate what I can from the stores I shop from.
I'm carrying around this shame and embarrassment because I don't want my past to repeat itself. However, in carrying around these feelings I am creating a gap between me and God. This gap isn't going to get any smaller until I find my identity in Him and it will continue to grow as I focus on who I am on the outside. I need to work through all these painful memories and establish myself in Christ and not jeans and self-tanner. I want to be known and loved for my character and a servants heart and not what I decide to wear. Please pray that I as I move forward I will be able to put these past memories to rest and not be shackled to them anymore. I can and will find freedom in Christ.
