Not Enough

I'm not skinny enough. This has indeed been confirmed. Pretty enough, maybe. Skinny enough, not so much. This time I was told this, it wasn't just a personal thought but something verbalized by another person. I wanted to know if any of my behaviors weren't appealing to the opposite sex, it all came down to insecurity and how I look. Once I slim down I will be more approachable and have a better chance of meeting someone. I've been very open about struggling with body image and not being able to see myself as God created me. I tried to convince myself that my inner dialogue was lies from Satan, but now I'm not sure what to think.

I know all the right scripture...beauty is fleeting, fearfully and wonderfully made, beauty should not come from outward adornment, I am made in His image...but I'm stuck in a world that values what you see, not who you are. I very much want to have a family of my own, but that's unlikely to happen until I drop 20 pounds. My heart is breaking because I want to live a life that depends solely on the word of God but I am forced to succumb to the ideals of the world I am in. I know I am not made for this world and my true place is with my King, but for now I am in a world that has me under its thumb.

Romans 12:1-2 calls us to use our bodies as a holy sacrifice and to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. For me, this is easier said than done. I would like nothing more than to get fit for God, to show him obedience and love by becoming a better me and not relying on the standards of the world.However, he knows that in my heart that my real motivation is to be more attractive and hopefully be approached by someone. I know that this is not pleasing to him. I need freedom from these negative thoughts, a freedom that only he can provide. I'm just not sure how to get there.

Lesson Learned

I can truly understand why pride is one of the seven deadly sins. I learned a very important lesson this week and am very thankful. While I wish I could erase the incident in question from my track record, I am glad that I serve a God that is full of grace and disciplines his children.

I had a specific goal in mind that I wanted to reach. I was confident that if I took certain actions that I would make a name for myself and achieve my goal. In my mind I knew what I needed to do and was on the path to get there. Enter God. He quickly put the kibosh on my agenda. I was striving to be known, that people would recognize my name and be impressed with what I had done. Fail. I was putting myself first and not wanting to make God's name known. I made it all about me and God put me back in my place.

Hebrews 12:6 tells us that God disciplines those that he loves. Well, I can sure testify to that! I have been humbled by the current situation that I am in. If God wants me to reach this goal it will happen, and it will be from him (James 1:17). It will not be based on what I did or didn't do. If I reach my goal it will be to bring him glory, not myself. I got so caught up in what I wanted, I forgot to consider what God wanted or what would bring him the greatest glory.

I am eternally grateful for his discipline and forgiveness. I am also thankful that all this went down with people who seek to serve him and practice forgiveness and grace. All I can do now is move on and consider this a lesson learned. I have to remember that he must become greater, and I must become less (John 3:30).