We got to pray just to make it today!

Yesterday was quite possibly the worst day ever. For those of you who have never had a migraine, I hope you never do. For those of you who have had a migraine, I know that you feel my pain...literally. All I could do yesterday was lay down with my eyes closed. I went back and forth between my bed and couch, desperately trying to get comfortable. I couldn't watch tv, read or listen to music, all were to much of a sensory overload.I was utterly miserable.

I spent 16 hours alternating between sleep and tossing and turning. I would lay with my eyes closed and would wait for sleep to wash over me. During the periods when I was awake, I would pray. My eyes were closed and I was in His presence and at some point would drift back off to sleep. I'm pretty sure I spent more time with God yesterday than probably all week. I prayed for my friends and the hope of blossoming relationships, I prayed for the welfare of my family, I thanked and praised God for all that He is, and I prayed for the families touched by the recent shooting tragedy. In my physical pain I found myself retreating to Him. If at some point you crossed my mind yesterday, you were prayed for. I prayed for my staff and their finals, I prayed for friends that are far away, I prayed for those that I see frequently...

I also prayed for myself.. I prayed for a closer relationship with Him, a place to live and a job come May, patience...lots of patience, that I would serve as a light to those around me, and that I would feel better in the morning! My prayers were like a conversation with a friend. There were no formalities, just a simple conversation. At times I was quiet and listened for His response and He would direct my thoughts or remind me of scripture. I realized I need to spend more time like this, more time in conversation with Him. Not time simply presenting requests or rattling off a laundry list of wants or needs, but time letting my heart speak and taking time to listen to His response.

P.S. For everyone who got the McHammer reference, you rock!!

King David

I wish I was more like King David...well, apart from the concubines, multiple wives, and big time sin. Ever since God gave me the idea to go to seminary, I wanted to get to know David a little better. Why? His journey was not easy and I knew that mine was not going to be either. David was called to be king at a young age and had to wait out the reign of Saul to take his position. Just because David was hand-picked by God didn't mean that he life was going to be like a day at the beach. I know that even though God has called me to return to school full time, it will be a difficult road. I will have to readjust to being in school and the comfortable lifestyle I have come accustom to, will be a thing of the past.

Well, back to me wanting to be more like David...a friend posted a psalm recently and it spoke to my heart. I added it to my journal of scripture and made a mental note to memorize it. I was going through my journal and reading all the other entries from the book of Psalms and was deeply touched by David's love and willingness to trust in God. Over and over again, you read how David is pouring out his heart to his heavenly father. His words show how much he loves God and honors Him.You can see, without a doubt, that David is consumed with God, that He truly is his strength, shield, stronghold, protector, redeemer...the list goes on. I have to admit that sometimes I struggle with this. I know in my mind that God loves me unconditionally and that I am chosen but sometimes that doesn't always translate to my heart. David never wavered, well, there was that incident with Bathsheba but even in his sin he knew God was still there. I think one reason why he didn't repent until Nathan approached him was because David knew that God was still there watching AND loving him.

Our God is a living god, He is with us now. He is watching over us now, He longs for us now! We were created to be in relationship with Him, He wants our undivided attention and love. I wish I could pour out my heart like David did. I know God isn't expecting me to be the author of 150 psalms to show my love and devotion. I can show my love for Him by living my life for Him. David has inspired me to make loving God a priority. In Titus 2, I learned that the more I get to know God and understand Him, the more I will feel His love.Over the past three years, God has become more and more a priority in my life. I continue to seek Him through my quiet times, community group, enrolling in bible studies and prayer. I want to be able to show my love for Him like David did. I'm going to dive into the Psalms and I'm looking forward to learning more about God and seeing Him through the eyes of David. My prayer is that I will strengthen my relationship with God and become more of a woman after God's heart.

I have a confession...

I have a confession...I want to get married and have a family of my own!

Whew! I'm glad the cat is out of the bag. I'm terrible at keeping secrets, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Ok...ok...I realize that this isn't a huge confession for a single girl to make, however, I felt the need to make it known. In my admission I realize that I may have shot myself in the foot and scared away any non-marriage minded suitors, but I'm kinda ok with that. Serious suitors need only apply!

I'm currently participating in a Titus 2 group and absolutely love it!! For all of you single or married girls out there who haven't taken this class...get on it! The class is devoted to teaching us girls how to be godly women and how to live well as a daughter of God; several of the chapters are based on relationships, especially those of a godly husband and wife. Oh, and boys if you are reading this...there is a companion study for you too! But back to us girls...the last chapter we read was about obedience and centered around the female being the "helper" in the relationship. God created man to the be the leader and the woman is his helper. The study reveals that the word "helper" is only used in the Bible to describe God and Eve. Hmmm...there's something to think about.

This may sound corny and very circa 1952, but I can't wait to fulfill this role. The exciting part about all of this is that it is the role that I am called to be in! I want to be with a godly man that will lead our family and our relationship and that will encourage me in my walk with Christ. I will also encourage him and help him be the best leader that he can be. This may seem very daunting to the men reading this but don't let it. Remember, I am your helper!! I am not expecting to enter into a relationship with a man who has everything figured out, if that were the case, he wouldn't need me. I do want to be in a relationship with someone who fervently seeks the Lord; someone who spends time in the word and in prayer, who serves and seeks wise counsel and accountability from others. 

These last couple of days I've read about a million articles on singleness...how to be single...how not to be single...how to pursue a relationship...how to not pursue a relationship...I think you get the picture. All the articles I have read have all had a common foundation, they have all been rooted in scripture or found on a Christian website. For the most part, each article has offered sound advice, but I'm not any closer to being with that special guy. The best encouragement I received was from a friend's blog (Thank you, Julie). She wrote about Lazarus and Jesus waiting four days before he brought him back to life. Those days were torture for Mary and Martha and the disciples were a little confused, but when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead it brought God such glory! I think that God has me in a four day (figurative) waiting period, when I do enter into a relationship it will bring God glory. It will be the kind of relationship that is crafted by scripture and HIS hand, not mine.

In the meantime, my plan of action is going to continue to be the kind of woman that God created me to be. I still need to learn more about my role as a "helper" and how to be a godly wife. I will continue to spend time in the word, developing my character and becoming more like Him. I will continue to serve and surround myself with godly women to hold me accountable and encourage my walk. I will continue to seek Him, instead of a "him".

Tik Tok

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

We live in a world that is driven by instant gratification. Receiving comments, likes and retweets have fueled this desire to have what we want, when we want it. Simply post something on one of many social media boards and you are guaranteed feedback in mere seconds. TV shows and movies are available at the push of a button, and why go buy a cd or a book when you can download one to your new technologically savvy device. Literally, the world is at our fingertips. This ease and convenience can cause some serious issues when we are faced with a dilemma that can't be solved through the speed of the internet.

I think it is safe to say that as a society we hate to wait. Nothing irritates us more than a Sunday morning driver during Wednesday afternoon traffic, or that one person who ordered dinner for ten in the drive-thru, or having to devote half a work day to getting our picture taken for our driver's license...we have people to see and places to be...enough with waiting! If only we could click our heels three times and be done with all the waiting. Generally, we all think we know what we need and when we need it. I don't think that could be further from the truth.

My life goal was to be married and have a family by the time I was 25...well, I'm six years behind on that one! As someone who loves to plan and set goals, this is one goal that I am thankful that I didn't reach. Yes, I am still a little impatient and want to eventually get there, but in God's timing, not my own. Two verses that God has recently revealed to me are:

• "Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9) 
• "The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time" (Psalm 145:15) 

If you noticed, the words "proper time" are used in both verses.The proper time is HIS time, not mine or societies, but HIS!! Psalm 145 also mentions twice that He will satisfy (16) and fulfill (19) the desires of those who love and follow Him. God has this in the bag! All I need to do is pray and wait patiently for him (Psalm 37:7). I would absolutely hate to think where I would be and what kind of relationship I would be in if I had gotten married at 25. He has used these past years to draw me closer to Him and shape me into the person He intended me to be. My season of singleness isn't about waiting for prince charming, it is about growing in His word. My heart's desire to is to be with a godly man, a godly man deserves a godly woman.

I have faith and trust in Him, that my season will change and I will ushered into a new phase of my life when it is the right time. I know I will grow impatient, and that I have some hard lessons to learn but I will wait for Him because He faithful in His promises (Psalm 145:13).

Standing Up Under It

God is awesome! I really don't think that there is any other way to say it.

I needed to have a tough conversation with someone and I didn't. There are two main reasons for why I didn't:

1. I just didn't have the courage. I was scared. There was a large amount of uncertainty and I do not do well with uncertainty. I need to have as much information as possible about a situation and I felt like I was walking into this one blind.
2. I had hope that the cards would fall in my favor and if they didn't I was going to be up the creek.

Well, God took care of everything for me. He put me in a situation where I would have to address the matter at hand and ultimately I was indeed up the proverbial creek...paddleless. Go figure. However, to be completely honest, I'm not surprised how things turned out. God had my best interest at heart.

One of the verses I am charged with memorizing for the class I am enrolled in at church is 1 Corinthians 10:13: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you may stand up under it." My situation is a PERFECT example of this!!

I was faced with a huge temptation that I was slowly succumbing to. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no reason for me to become invested in the situation but I was slowly creeping toward the point of no return. I knew I needed to have the aforementioned conversation, but it just wasn't going to happen. God stepped in and did what I couldn't. He provided a way out for me. Granted, I am still hurt and confused by the whole thing, but God rescued me! He knew I didn't have the strength to put the walls on my own, so He provided me a way to "stand up under it".

Even though I am hurt, I have to praise God! Throughout the Bible you see examples of people suffering (Joseph, Paul, Job, Mary, Martha, etc.) but still thanking God for their circumstances. I am a modern day example of God's love and devotion! This may be a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. I've learned several valuable lessons from this experience and am very thankful. I know that the hurt will ease over time but as it does I am growing stronger in my faith. He never promised us a life without pain and trials, it is what we take away from these events that is the most important.

Inside Out

I've been in a funk today, and I feel bad for my co-worker Gary who is the only one in the office, and has had to put up with me all on his own. So sorry! Poor Gary, Chelsea and I have been bored silly today. We are the only three members of the department here and all of the residents are still catching the last few rays of Spring Break. The word "quiet" doesn't even begin to describe our day.

I'm sure you can sense where this is going, here I am in my office with my computer...what ever shall I do? You guessed it...Pinterest!! I am pursuing the multitudes of pins available to me and I begin to see a pattern emerging. There are tons and tons of pins of picture of girls with washboard stomachs, designer shoes and clothes, handbags and jewelry. Occasionally you will find a rare book or a quote that makes you stop and reconsider life, but the majority of pins are overwhelmingly dedicated to perfecting the outside facade of who we are. I wish I could say I was above that, but you better believe if I was banking I would be wearing Jimmy Choo, vintage Gucci and toting Prada. I'm a girl!

I'm a little disappointed that I would fall victim to the desire of being so made up and fitted in only the best labels. It would undoubtedly give me a ego boost, much like when I wear my red cowboy boots, but really...what is it going to get me in the end beside a hefty credit card bill? Nothing. Are those pricey items going to land me a dream job or get me the man of my dreams? Nope, but God will! His son already paid the ultimate price and all I have to do it say, "Yes, please!".

My beauty isn't defined by a hand stitched leather purse but by the words that are written across my heart and the light of Christ that others see in me.I want someone to be attracted to me because I put others first, have daily quiet time and want a biblically based life...not because I can rock a pair of $500 shoes. I want to continue to grow in my walk with the Lord so that others will see the beauty in His love. Anyone can pull of pretty but beauty is something that resonates in the soul and is only something God can give you. Are you beautiful?

Going into Battle

I was opening up my Equipped Disciple 1 book to begin my weekly homework and noticed a sentence that I had written down on the back page...I am asking you Lord to come into my life and take over. I myself, wrote these words, but have yet to make that actual request. These last few days are a perfect example of that.

I have tried to take a situation in to my own hands and have failed miserably. Last night I tossed and turned until I finally pulled out my journal to make sense of the scattered thoughts that were causing my restlessness. I poured my heart out to God, telling Him that I was weak, that my head had become a war zone, that the devil was firing off his arsenal of weapons to tear me down. I couldn't take it anymore. I was at the point of completely abandoning my desire in an effort to rid myself of the pain I was inflicting. I knew that this was the devil at play and picked up my bible to find some relief and encouragement. I randomly let the pages fall away and found myself in Ephesians, my eyes were instantly drawn to a heading that read "The Armor of God". Paul was telling the people of Ephesus to wear the armor of God to protect against the devil's schemes, to stand strong against spiritual darkness. This wasn't a coincidence that I was reading this passage, God had specifically directed me to His words. 

If only I could sum up the courage to hand God my life and obediently wear the armor that he has created for me, I wouldn't second guess decisions and suffocate under doubt.. He calls me to relinquish myself on a daily basis, yet I fight with Him and convince myself that if I don't take some kind of action then I won't get what I want. The only action that I truly need to take is to give myself completely to God. I want to do it, and it makes perfect sense to me, yet I am still grasping tightly to the idea that I need to be in control and that is when I am most vulnerable to the arsenal of the enemy. My head becomes filled with ideas and thoughts that break me down and I lose faith. I automatically retreat to that place where I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not special enough and I know in my heart those are all lies but the enemy has found the weak place in my armor.

I have decided when I am faced with these thoughts I will remind myself that I am surrounded by the armor of God. If He truly is my everything then He will supply me with the love I need to win my battle. If He is with me, then who can be against me?

Door A or Door B?

Recently, I had a very big decision to make. I have a feeling that I might be opening up a huge can of worms but I have always tried to be very open and honest with my blog posts. A couple weeks ago I had an on-campus interview with another school. The job was everything that I wanted and the people were amazing but I didn't feel drawn to the position. I didn't think it was the right job for me to pick up and move to another state. I had done such a great job of convincing myself that they weren't going to offer that I was actually very surprised when they called and did. I had twenty-four hours to make a decision that was going to affect my life in a huge way.

Everyone I approached for advice told me to make a pro/con list to figure out what I should do. Ultimately, I didn't do that, I tried to listen to God and figure out where he needed me to be. If I choose the position, it would have been for purely professional reasons; if I choose to stay it would have been for personal reasons. I had a courageous choice to make. Do I uproot my life and travel into the unknown or do I stay in Dallas where I now have a life of my own?

I was torn during the interview process, after my initial phone interview they were already making exceptions for me (they don't allow animals, but Posey and I are a packaged deal) and the timeline for the on-campus interview fit my schedule perfectly. I thought God was practically pushing me through this open door, however, He then began giving me more opportunities to grow as a person and a Christian here in Dallas. Yes, I could find more friends and a new church in my new town, but it wouldn't be the same. I believe The Clash said it the best, "should I stay or should I go now?".

This weekend helped me solidify the choice I made. I had the most amazing time at Cowboys dancing with new and old friends and then participated in a crazy 5k that I will be talking about for weeks. I also learned that God does not make choices easy. I had to carefully weigh the options in front of me and make a decision where my life would go, but most importantly I had to stop thinking and simply listen to Him. I am here to serve Him, not to make money or build my resume but to reach out and impact others with the skills and talents He has blessed me with. I have no idea what He has planned for me, but I know it is going to be pretty great. He has placed certain desires in my heart and is guiding my feet where He needs me to be. I am His child and He has the best in mind for me, I just have to trust Him and His timing.

Epiphanies

I had the most bizarre dream last night! I was with my sister and my mom and we were at home sorting through possessions of my grandmother's (who is deceased) and several other extended family members were there (who are also deceased). One highlight was that Donnie Wahlberg just happened to be my cousin! Odd, I know! Anyways, at some part during the dream my teeth began to fall out. I vividly remember a hole appeared in one tooth and the center of it popped out. I'm freaking out and my mom is frantically trying to find a dentist on a Saturday morning and I am calling a former staff member who wants to be a dentist asking if she knows anyone that I can go see. This is where either my memory stops or the dream ends. I have no idea if my teeth are ever restored.

I am one of those people that is fascinated by the meaning of dreams, so I roll over in bed, grab my iPhone and immediately begin googling my disturbing dream. I find a pretty lengthy article and dive right in. I'm told that teeth falling out in a dream can symbolize a loss of power, reflect a feeling of rejection or even represent anxieties of being embarrassed. I keep reading and find a spiritual interpretation of my dream, seems that losing teeth can be an illustration of man wandering from God's word and placing too much emphasis on societies perceptions. Bingo!

Lately, I have been dealing with some serious body issues. I have managed to convince myself that a certain guy isn't interested in me because of my size. I have compared myself to other girls he finds attractive and the only conclusion I can come to is that I'm just too big for him. I have no factual information to back this up, just the musings of an over analytical mind. I am trapped in a society where size really does matter and I have let that thought consume my heart and mind. Ugh. I have placed the standards of man over the word of God.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that God has made everything beautiful in its time. Proverbs 31 tells us that charm and beauty are fleeting and that character is where the true value is. Genesis tells me that I am made in His image, how can I not love that? God is telling me that I am placing way to much emphasis on what the world says is attractive and not enough on what He says the type of woman I should be. My value isn't found in worldly standards but in heavenly ones. I am much more than just a pretty face. I am loving, caring, giving, supportive, loyal, dependable, smart, fun, and kinda goofy. I love all these qualities and need to work on loving who I am on the outside too.

I'm thankful that God has opened my eyes to the way I have been thinking. I'm glad that Joseph wasn't the only one He spoke to in dreams! I'm still going to continue working out and attempting to eat better but my motivation as changed; no longer will it be to catch the eye of a boy but to become healthier and feel more confident for myself. My beauty is captured in my soul and my heart, that's what I want to be loved for.