It is no surprise to anyone that I have tried on-line dating a time or two. I've put profiles on match, chemistry and eharmony, I have yet to find Mr. Right or have any kind of considerable luck. Each time I look at my profile and wonder what am I doing wrong. Do I need more pictures? Do I talk about my faith and relationship with God too much? Does my profile paint the right picture of who I truly am? That is the hardest part of on-line dating, describing who you are by answering questions in 200 words or less! How can I define who I really am in 200 words? Better yet, do I know who I really am?
People say that college is the time to find yourself and discover who you really are. Does that mean the day you graduate you all of a sudden have the answers to life's most difficult questions? If so, that is one test that I managed to fail. I'm 30 years old and I am still not sure of who I really am. I know what my morals, ethics and values are but I find it difficult to describe who I am. If you ask me to describe my best friend, I can describe her with much detail, but ask me about myself and I"m not exactly sure what to say.
There are so many factors that define who we are; the roles that we play, our chosen profession/careers, our friends, our actions, our words, and the list goes on and on. The question that I want to pose is...how intentional are we when we assume our roles, carry out our job descriptions or choose our actions? These decisions are what make us who we are! My eharmony profile says that I love to go two stepping, listen to live music and travel. That's all fine and dandy but those interest do not even begin to define me as a person. Someone once told me that everything I do in a day matters, and that is very true. How I decide to react to an angry parent in the office reveals my character. The words I choose to describe my day or attitude reveals my character. My character is who I am!
Finding yourself and discovering who you are is a life long journey. As I move through my life and learn different lessons, assume new roles, and encounter new challenges I will continue to learn who I am. I urge you to do the same. God will present you with obstacles to overcome and joyous occasions to celebrate that will contribute to your character. My wish for you is that you live each day with intention, don't let a moment slip through your fingers, reveal your character to the world. Acknowledge that this is a never ending process and that the journey is what matters the most!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Spirit of Want
Hello, my name is Ashley and I am a shopaholic! To some of you this is not a surprise at all, you know of my love for cute clothes, trendy accessories and Coach bags. It is truly an addiction that I am trying to shake. The reason I'm trying to set aside my materialistic ways it that I use shopping as a coping mechanism. I take retail therapy to a whole new level. I purchase things to make me feel better. How could a new pink Coach not brighten anyone's day? Shopping is also how I know that I am emotionally in a bad place, the worse I feel the more I shop. I shouldn't turn to Ann Taylor or Tiffany's to make me feel better, I should turn to God.
The first time I read Matthew 6:19-21, my parent's home in Killeen had recently been burglarized. It was shortly after my grandmother had passed away, and it had been a hectic day of moving some of her belongings. My mom didn't even tell me about the burglary until I asked where all my jewelery had gone. I had kept all the pieces that my grandmother had given me over the years in the top drawer of the dresser in my room. She broke down and told me that some kids had gotten in and stolen quite a bit from the house. I was so incredibly mad and frustrated. Someone had taken the only precious things that I had left from my grandmother and most like likely hocked them at a pawn shop. Shortly after this incident I managed to stumble across the verses in Matthew: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart will be also.". My true treasure is my grandmother, and her love for me consumes my heart. No one will ever be able to take that away from me.
My community group is currently reading a book entitled "Calm My Anxious Heart" and the chapter for this week centers on possessions and recognizing that everything is God's. She uses the verse from Matthew to illustrate God's love and what the desires of are hearts should be. She also challenges her readers to stop and ask themselves "Where is my treasure? Where is my heart?" when faced with the decision to purchase something. I am challenging you to do the exact same thing. Learn where you place your focus and desires.
Over the years I have developed a Spirit of Want and not a Spirit of Contentment or Peace and I believe that is the root for many of my personal trials. My "want" now is God, and His love for me is totally free! I need to stop worrying about if my clothes make me look frumpy or if anyone will notice that I wore the same pants twice in one week, I need to worry about showing others love and being a woman of character. I want people to like me for the person I am, not the labels or styles that I wear. I know that I will continue to shop and purchase an occasional Coach (on sale...at the outlet mall), but this is not where I will seek joy from. I will find joy in my relationship with God and being a reflection of Him.
This will be a topic that I blog about a lot because I am trying to become more content with who I am and what I have, which links itself very well with my budgetary issues. I wasn't kidding when I said I was a big mess! I truly do hope that my words are encouraging some of you to dig deeper into your own lives. I'm trying to tear down my walls and be vulnerable and honest with each post. I want you to share in this journey with me and I love reading the comments that you all post as well. It makes me feel like I'm not out here all alone. Thank you for your support!
The first time I read Matthew 6:19-21, my parent's home in Killeen had recently been burglarized. It was shortly after my grandmother had passed away, and it had been a hectic day of moving some of her belongings. My mom didn't even tell me about the burglary until I asked where all my jewelery had gone. I had kept all the pieces that my grandmother had given me over the years in the top drawer of the dresser in my room. She broke down and told me that some kids had gotten in and stolen quite a bit from the house. I was so incredibly mad and frustrated. Someone had taken the only precious things that I had left from my grandmother and most like likely hocked them at a pawn shop. Shortly after this incident I managed to stumble across the verses in Matthew: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart will be also.". My true treasure is my grandmother, and her love for me consumes my heart. No one will ever be able to take that away from me.
My community group is currently reading a book entitled "Calm My Anxious Heart" and the chapter for this week centers on possessions and recognizing that everything is God's. She uses the verse from Matthew to illustrate God's love and what the desires of are hearts should be. She also challenges her readers to stop and ask themselves "Where is my treasure? Where is my heart?" when faced with the decision to purchase something. I am challenging you to do the exact same thing. Learn where you place your focus and desires.
Over the years I have developed a Spirit of Want and not a Spirit of Contentment or Peace and I believe that is the root for many of my personal trials. My "want" now is God, and His love for me is totally free! I need to stop worrying about if my clothes make me look frumpy or if anyone will notice that I wore the same pants twice in one week, I need to worry about showing others love and being a woman of character. I want people to like me for the person I am, not the labels or styles that I wear. I know that I will continue to shop and purchase an occasional Coach (on sale...at the outlet mall), but this is not where I will seek joy from. I will find joy in my relationship with God and being a reflection of Him.
This will be a topic that I blog about a lot because I am trying to become more content with who I am and what I have, which links itself very well with my budgetary issues. I wasn't kidding when I said I was a big mess! I truly do hope that my words are encouraging some of you to dig deeper into your own lives. I'm trying to tear down my walls and be vulnerable and honest with each post. I want you to share in this journey with me and I love reading the comments that you all post as well. It makes me feel like I'm not out here all alone. Thank you for your support!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Dream a Little Dream
Last night I had a fairly extensive dream with my ex-boyfriend in it and it is continuing to haunt me. I really did think that I had found "The One" when we started dating. We jumped into the deep end very quickly and he was even talking about how we would move in together one day, just a month into our relationship. He broke up with me after four months, but we continued to hang out for awhile until I told him that I couldn't be just his friend anymore. It was too hard to go out as friends and not want more. I knew that I would continue to make him a priority when he would not make me one. When he ended things he simply told me that he had some issues that he needed to figure out on his own and he never let me know what those issues were.
In the dream, I randomly saw him at a party and had the opportunity to talk to him about why he left me. Of course, now that I am awake I have no recollection of the conversation, my heart just aches with the memory of him. I've also been dreaming about someone else that I was involved with and I miss him too. I know that nothing will ever come of these past relationships but I can't seem to let them go. The weird part of all of this is, is that I never felt like a priority to either person. I wanted to give my life to both of them but they didn't let me. I tried to do everything in my power to please one of them but always seemed to miss the mark. God desperately wants me to give my life to him but I can't seem to give him control. This is a win-win situation but yet I am still hesitant. I am a priority to God and He would give me everything I dreamed of if I could just trust Him. It seems like I trust Him in all areas of my life except those issues concerning love...and that is the most important area.
I've come along way in moving past these relationships and I know with God's help I will continue to be successful. I also hope that I can use my experience to help a dear friend who is struggling with a similar issue. She is beautiful, loving, and caring but has been so deeply hurt that she can't see this anymore. I want God to use me in her life so that we can both learn to trust in Him more.
In the dream, I randomly saw him at a party and had the opportunity to talk to him about why he left me. Of course, now that I am awake I have no recollection of the conversation, my heart just aches with the memory of him. I've also been dreaming about someone else that I was involved with and I miss him too. I know that nothing will ever come of these past relationships but I can't seem to let them go. The weird part of all of this is, is that I never felt like a priority to either person. I wanted to give my life to both of them but they didn't let me. I tried to do everything in my power to please one of them but always seemed to miss the mark. God desperately wants me to give my life to him but I can't seem to give him control. This is a win-win situation but yet I am still hesitant. I am a priority to God and He would give me everything I dreamed of if I could just trust Him. It seems like I trust Him in all areas of my life except those issues concerning love...and that is the most important area.
I've come along way in moving past these relationships and I know with God's help I will continue to be successful. I also hope that I can use my experience to help a dear friend who is struggling with a similar issue. She is beautiful, loving, and caring but has been so deeply hurt that she can't see this anymore. I want God to use me in her life so that we can both learn to trust in Him more.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
No Pain, No Gain?!?!?!?
In my attempt to lead a more healthy lifestyle I borrowed Kaytie's copy of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and it just kicked my butt! That woman is intense, but if I can get abs like her's I will muster through the pain. I also didn't realize that people still did jumping jacks for cardio, that wasn't the hard part, the hard part was trying not to kick Posey as she tried to bite my bouncing shoelaces!
Part of my desire to be healthier is of course to be thinner! Thank you society for giving me an unrealistic idea of what true beauty is. I know in my heart that being thinner will not ultimately make me beautiful. One of my favorite scriptures is Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in its time". I don't think that means that we are all walking around as ugly ducklings waiting for the magic wand to turn us into a swan, but it is through maturity and growth that we all recognize our own beauty. It is almost like a paint by number, we fill in one color at a time watching the entire picture come into view; through time and the challenges God has blessed us with, we add color to our lives and see our own picture come into focus.
Often times we simply miss the picture and see only blobs of color, with God's help we can begin to realize how the colors come together to make a masterpiece. I say all of this but right now I feel like a toddler has been working on my paint by number and its a big ol' mess! More important than my appearance I need to work on seeing the beauty in the person that I am. He created me in His image and I should strive not to weigh less but to love others and model the truth in His word.
I am going to continue to exercise and strive to lose a few pounds, but not because I want to be supermodel thin but because I want to take care of the body that God has given me. I have to start taking better care of myself in order to feel better and have less "bad diabetic days". Jillian Michaels and I will be spending a lot of quality time together! :)
Part of my desire to be healthier is of course to be thinner! Thank you society for giving me an unrealistic idea of what true beauty is. I know in my heart that being thinner will not ultimately make me beautiful. One of my favorite scriptures is Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in its time". I don't think that means that we are all walking around as ugly ducklings waiting for the magic wand to turn us into a swan, but it is through maturity and growth that we all recognize our own beauty. It is almost like a paint by number, we fill in one color at a time watching the entire picture come into view; through time and the challenges God has blessed us with, we add color to our lives and see our own picture come into focus.
Often times we simply miss the picture and see only blobs of color, with God's help we can begin to realize how the colors come together to make a masterpiece. I say all of this but right now I feel like a toddler has been working on my paint by number and its a big ol' mess! More important than my appearance I need to work on seeing the beauty in the person that I am. He created me in His image and I should strive not to weigh less but to love others and model the truth in His word.
I am going to continue to exercise and strive to lose a few pounds, but not because I want to be supermodel thin but because I want to take care of the body that God has given me. I have to start taking better care of myself in order to feel better and have less "bad diabetic days". Jillian Michaels and I will be spending a lot of quality time together! :)
Monday, March 21, 2011
Accountability
This is my first blog ever, and I am hoping that this series will hold me accountable to the new decisions that I plan on making. The girls in my small group bible study have encouraged me to blog, but they don't know that they have! This is probably the one hundredth time in my life that I have decided to make better life choices and I'm hoping that this time it actually works!
Sometimes I feel like the Queen of Bad Decisions and these decisions usually center around the guys that I date or find myself involved with. I've experienced a string of heartbreak and I announced to a friend on Saturday night (after being stood up) that I was done playing the dating game. I sincerely think that God is grabbing by my shoulders and trying to tell me to STOP! focusing on finding Mr. Right and start focusing on Him. Makes sense, huh? I've gone from one breakup to the next and I do think it is God's way of telling me to shift my focus from strengthening my relationship with men to strengthening my relationship with the one who truly loves me unconditionally.
I've come up with a plan on how to do this. There are three areas of my life that I am going to focus on...my relationship with God, budgeting and my health. I want to spend more time with God and living the type of life that He has intended for me. I desperately need to learn how to budget, I'm 30 years ago and need to worry less about the clothes that I wear and more about the amount in my savings account. Finally, after my last hospitalization due to my diabetes, I realized that I do have limitations and I have to start taking way better care of myself.
My goal is to blog about my experience in these three areas. I hope by doing this I will be able to hold myself accountable to these new life changing decisions. I want people to read my blog and ask me how I am doing, and inquire about what steps have I taken to budget or exercise, or even send words of encouragement. This isn't going to be easy and I realize that these aren't just goals to reach, but lifestyle changes. I realize that I am still going to have bad or "ugly" days but I will have to remember to trust in Him and He will help me shift my focus.
Sometimes I feel like the Queen of Bad Decisions and these decisions usually center around the guys that I date or find myself involved with. I've experienced a string of heartbreak and I announced to a friend on Saturday night (after being stood up) that I was done playing the dating game. I sincerely think that God is grabbing by my shoulders and trying to tell me to STOP! focusing on finding Mr. Right and start focusing on Him. Makes sense, huh? I've gone from one breakup to the next and I do think it is God's way of telling me to shift my focus from strengthening my relationship with men to strengthening my relationship with the one who truly loves me unconditionally.
I've come up with a plan on how to do this. There are three areas of my life that I am going to focus on...my relationship with God, budgeting and my health. I want to spend more time with God and living the type of life that He has intended for me. I desperately need to learn how to budget, I'm 30 years ago and need to worry less about the clothes that I wear and more about the amount in my savings account. Finally, after my last hospitalization due to my diabetes, I realized that I do have limitations and I have to start taking way better care of myself.
My goal is to blog about my experience in these three areas. I hope by doing this I will be able to hold myself accountable to these new life changing decisions. I want people to read my blog and ask me how I am doing, and inquire about what steps have I taken to budget or exercise, or even send words of encouragement. This isn't going to be easy and I realize that these aren't just goals to reach, but lifestyle changes. I realize that I am still going to have bad or "ugly" days but I will have to remember to trust in Him and He will help me shift my focus.
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