Going into Battle

I was opening up my Equipped Disciple 1 book to begin my weekly homework and noticed a sentence that I had written down on the back page...I am asking you Lord to come into my life and take over. I myself, wrote these words, but have yet to make that actual request. These last few days are a perfect example of that.

I have tried to take a situation in to my own hands and have failed miserably. Last night I tossed and turned until I finally pulled out my journal to make sense of the scattered thoughts that were causing my restlessness. I poured my heart out to God, telling Him that I was weak, that my head had become a war zone, that the devil was firing off his arsenal of weapons to tear me down. I couldn't take it anymore. I was at the point of completely abandoning my desire in an effort to rid myself of the pain I was inflicting. I knew that this was the devil at play and picked up my bible to find some relief and encouragement. I randomly let the pages fall away and found myself in Ephesians, my eyes were instantly drawn to a heading that read "The Armor of God". Paul was telling the people of Ephesus to wear the armor of God to protect against the devil's schemes, to stand strong against spiritual darkness. This wasn't a coincidence that I was reading this passage, God had specifically directed me to His words. 

If only I could sum up the courage to hand God my life and obediently wear the armor that he has created for me, I wouldn't second guess decisions and suffocate under doubt.. He calls me to relinquish myself on a daily basis, yet I fight with Him and convince myself that if I don't take some kind of action then I won't get what I want. The only action that I truly need to take is to give myself completely to God. I want to do it, and it makes perfect sense to me, yet I am still grasping tightly to the idea that I need to be in control and that is when I am most vulnerable to the arsenal of the enemy. My head becomes filled with ideas and thoughts that break me down and I lose faith. I automatically retreat to that place where I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not special enough and I know in my heart those are all lies but the enemy has found the weak place in my armor.

I have decided when I am faced with these thoughts I will remind myself that I am surrounded by the armor of God. If He truly is my everything then He will supply me with the love I need to win my battle. If He is with me, then who can be against me?

Door A or Door B?

Recently, I had a very big decision to make. I have a feeling that I might be opening up a huge can of worms but I have always tried to be very open and honest with my blog posts. A couple weeks ago I had an on-campus interview with another school. The job was everything that I wanted and the people were amazing but I didn't feel drawn to the position. I didn't think it was the right job for me to pick up and move to another state. I had done such a great job of convincing myself that they weren't going to offer that I was actually very surprised when they called and did. I had twenty-four hours to make a decision that was going to affect my life in a huge way.

Everyone I approached for advice told me to make a pro/con list to figure out what I should do. Ultimately, I didn't do that, I tried to listen to God and figure out where he needed me to be. If I choose the position, it would have been for purely professional reasons; if I choose to stay it would have been for personal reasons. I had a courageous choice to make. Do I uproot my life and travel into the unknown or do I stay in Dallas where I now have a life of my own?

I was torn during the interview process, after my initial phone interview they were already making exceptions for me (they don't allow animals, but Posey and I are a packaged deal) and the timeline for the on-campus interview fit my schedule perfectly. I thought God was practically pushing me through this open door, however, He then began giving me more opportunities to grow as a person and a Christian here in Dallas. Yes, I could find more friends and a new church in my new town, but it wouldn't be the same. I believe The Clash said it the best, "should I stay or should I go now?".

This weekend helped me solidify the choice I made. I had the most amazing time at Cowboys dancing with new and old friends and then participated in a crazy 5k that I will be talking about for weeks. I also learned that God does not make choices easy. I had to carefully weigh the options in front of me and make a decision where my life would go, but most importantly I had to stop thinking and simply listen to Him. I am here to serve Him, not to make money or build my resume but to reach out and impact others with the skills and talents He has blessed me with. I have no idea what He has planned for me, but I know it is going to be pretty great. He has placed certain desires in my heart and is guiding my feet where He needs me to be. I am His child and He has the best in mind for me, I just have to trust Him and His timing.