I was opening up my Equipped Disciple 1 book to begin my weekly homework and noticed a sentence that I had written down on the back page...I am asking you Lord to come into my life and take over. I myself, wrote these words, but have yet to make that actual request. These last few days are a perfect example of that.
I have tried to take a situation in to my own hands and have failed miserably. Last night I tossed and turned until I finally pulled out my journal to make sense of the scattered thoughts that were causing my restlessness. I poured my heart out to God, telling Him that I was weak, that my head had become a war zone, that the devil was firing off his arsenal of weapons to tear me down. I couldn't take it anymore. I was at the point of completely abandoning my desire in an effort to rid myself of the pain I was inflicting. I knew that this was the devil at play and picked up my bible to find some relief and encouragement. I randomly let the pages fall away and found myself in Ephesians, my eyes were instantly drawn to a heading that read "The Armor of God". Paul was telling the people of Ephesus to wear the armor of God to protect against the devil's schemes, to stand strong against spiritual darkness. This wasn't a coincidence that I was reading this passage, God had specifically directed me to His words.
If only I could sum up the courage to hand God my life and obediently wear the armor that he has created for me, I wouldn't second guess decisions and suffocate under doubt.. He calls me to relinquish myself on a daily basis, yet I fight with Him and convince myself that if I don't take some kind of action then I won't get what I want. The only action that I truly need to take is to give myself completely to God. I want to do it, and it makes perfect sense to me, yet I am still grasping tightly to the idea that I need to be in control and that is when I am most vulnerable to the arsenal of the enemy. My head becomes filled with ideas and thoughts that break me down and I lose faith. I automatically retreat to that place where I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not special enough and I know in my heart those are all lies but the enemy has found the weak place in my armor.
I have decided when I am faced with these thoughts I will remind myself that I am surrounded by the armor of God. If He truly is my everything then He will supply me with the love I need to win my battle. If He is with me, then who can be against me?
I wonder if you set yourself goals that are too large. "If only I could sum up the courage to hand..." Ashley, that is a tall order that MANY people struggle with. Maybe like with any goal setting, break it down into more manageable parts with some action steps.
ReplyDelete- When you think of yourself not pretty enough, you will remind yourself that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. And then practice that for a few weeks until it becomes an easier habit. Then tackle another area, rather than trying to accomplish everything all at once.
Eat the elephant with small bites. Just a thought from someone who is also easily overwhelmed. I also think that even those who seem like they have it all together with the Lord struggle with doubt and second guessing. Perfection, dear Enneagram One, cannot be achieved on this side of heaven. :) I'm rooting for you, though.
listen to your gut, throw on the armor and go for it! Sounds like you are almost there Ashley!
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