I have been wrestling with the decision of whether or not to enter the dating game again. I'm not ready to go back to the internet but I'm not closing myself off to opportunities that may present themselves. I guess I am still holding out hope that I will meet someone the old fashioned way and not through profile pictures, guided communication and "winks". I don't want to spend my time scrolling through pictures or reading about the book someone last read when I can spend that time working on becoming the person I am truly meant to be.
I told a friend today that I had an epiphany of sorts, that I have been trying to fill a void by dating someone. I assumed that once I met Mr. Right that my life will magically be complete...that's not how it works. I need to be complete before I can offer myself to someone else. The loneliness that I feel isn't going to disappear with the presence of a guy, that's only going to go away with patience and healing from God.
Right now I kind of feel like I am a puzzle, I've put the edges and corners together but I am still missing the majority of the pieces in the middle. I know that I have what I need to complete the picture, I just have to devote time to getting everything in the right spot. I have to have faith that everything will come into focus as I allow God to guide my hand to the next piece of the puzzle.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Old Habits...
I'm learning that old habits die hard, and I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I had this great new life plan and here I am teetering on the edge of bad decisions. I've actually done really well in not making any downright horrible decisions but there are those few moments when the devil on my shoulder is making perfect sense, and I am tempted to sway in a not so favorable direction, especially when it comes to members of the opposite sex.
I currently have a devil on my shoulder that will not go away! I keep flicking him off but somehow he seems to find his way right back to that cozy little spot where he can whisper in my ear. My resolve is getting weaker and I think that he knows that. I need the strength not to act on the ideas that are circulating in my head. I think The Fray said it best with "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same". It is so easy to make a bad decision, it's the good decisions that take the most work.
I am faced with a situation in where I know what I should do and what I want to do. I want the easy way out. I want to make the bad decision and then pick up the pieces later. However, I know the hurt and the pain that I will feel after the situation is said and done, won't be worth it. I need to stick to my guns and continue on the path that I am on. But, of course, I keep telling myself that this time things could be different, that they could end up in my favor. Realistically, I know they won't. I'll be left watching P.S. I Love You and crying my way through a box of Kleenex.
I'm going to ride this out and hopefully will land safely on the other side. I've been praying about it and have a feeling the worst will be over soon. My mother says that I have matured in the last year (ok, stop laughing!) and I think I have. Maybe you do actually get wiser with age or maybe I realize that my actions have consequences...whatever it is, I'm happy with it. I just need to muster up the strength to kick this old habit and get rid of the devil that is perched on my shoulder.
I currently have a devil on my shoulder that will not go away! I keep flicking him off but somehow he seems to find his way right back to that cozy little spot where he can whisper in my ear. My resolve is getting weaker and I think that he knows that. I need the strength not to act on the ideas that are circulating in my head. I think The Fray said it best with "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same". It is so easy to make a bad decision, it's the good decisions that take the most work.
I am faced with a situation in where I know what I should do and what I want to do. I want the easy way out. I want to make the bad decision and then pick up the pieces later. However, I know the hurt and the pain that I will feel after the situation is said and done, won't be worth it. I need to stick to my guns and continue on the path that I am on. But, of course, I keep telling myself that this time things could be different, that they could end up in my favor. Realistically, I know they won't. I'll be left watching P.S. I Love You and crying my way through a box of Kleenex.
I'm going to ride this out and hopefully will land safely on the other side. I've been praying about it and have a feeling the worst will be over soon. My mother says that I have matured in the last year (ok, stop laughing!) and I think I have. Maybe you do actually get wiser with age or maybe I realize that my actions have consequences...whatever it is, I'm happy with it. I just need to muster up the strength to kick this old habit and get rid of the devil that is perched on my shoulder.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Peace
I'm watching the Royal Wedding (please don't judge me!) and someone important just spoke about being at peace. This is something I have been thinking about alot lately...
As a Christian, I should put all my trust in Him and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs) but is that completely possible? The entire point of my blog and shifting my focus is to let God work in my life without me meddling too much but I still want to control some areas, i.e. my love life. Here I am, watching the Royal Wedding and half of my heart is thrilled that two people get to be part of such an exciting experience and the other half is darkened with the hurt and pain of still being single. I instantly begin to think of what I need to do in order to find Mr. Right and then I stop myself and realize that in order to have what I truly want (a marriage that is everlasting and built on God) that I have to be patient. God works on His time and not mine. I need to be at peace with this decision.
Coming to peace with a decision is a great undertaking. I must be able to turn all of my concerns and anxiety over to God for Him to be able to fulfill His plan for me. As a human, is that possible? Is peace truly attainable? Do these questions mean that I am lacking Faith? In my head, being at peace means that I will never feel this hurt or pain or want to take control over this area of my life. Is my idea of peace unrealistic?
I don't do well with uncertainty. I hate not knowing what is going on or how something is going to work out. If God could simply send me an angel in my dreams to tell me that I will get married in X number of years, I would greatly appreciate it! I don't think that's asking for too much. If only He worked that way...I will continue to pray for peace and patience, with the faith that one day I will receive it.
As a Christian, I should put all my trust in Him and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs) but is that completely possible? The entire point of my blog and shifting my focus is to let God work in my life without me meddling too much but I still want to control some areas, i.e. my love life. Here I am, watching the Royal Wedding and half of my heart is thrilled that two people get to be part of such an exciting experience and the other half is darkened with the hurt and pain of still being single. I instantly begin to think of what I need to do in order to find Mr. Right and then I stop myself and realize that in order to have what I truly want (a marriage that is everlasting and built on God) that I have to be patient. God works on His time and not mine. I need to be at peace with this decision.
Coming to peace with a decision is a great undertaking. I must be able to turn all of my concerns and anxiety over to God for Him to be able to fulfill His plan for me. As a human, is that possible? Is peace truly attainable? Do these questions mean that I am lacking Faith? In my head, being at peace means that I will never feel this hurt or pain or want to take control over this area of my life. Is my idea of peace unrealistic?
I don't do well with uncertainty. I hate not knowing what is going on or how something is going to work out. If God could simply send me an angel in my dreams to tell me that I will get married in X number of years, I would greatly appreciate it! I don't think that's asking for too much. If only He worked that way...I will continue to pray for peace and patience, with the faith that one day I will receive it.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Perspective
One of my favorite quotes is from Thoreau, "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." How profound is that!?!?! Perspective is everything! It's kind of one of those glass half full or empty, life gives you lemons kind of a thing. How are you going to see your world? And that's the best part...you get to decide the lens through which you view your life circumstances. Is there a better gift than that? You have the power and the ability to make lemonade or complain that your glass isn't as full as your neighbors.
Today one of my PAs made the comment that his plate is overflowing with school work, med school applications, PA responsibilities and many other things, but he has decided to tackle everything with a positive attitude. To him, there was no point in grumbling about all the tasks he has to complete, but realizing that it will be much easier to conquer the mountainous "to do" list with a positive attitude. Why is it so difficult for the rest of us to follow suit and live life with the same attitude?
My singleness is probably the issue that I struggle with the most. I often times view it as a prison sentence instead of a time to explore and learn about myself. My perception of my current circumstance is totally off! A dear friend advised me that instead of praying to find Mr. Right, that I should focus on being thankful for the life stage that I am in. I am in a phase of my life where I can pick up and do whatever I want to! I can move across the country, take a vacation anywhere I want, splurge on a manicure or have cereal for dinner, all because I want to! I was so focused on the negative aspects of being single that I never stopped to realize that my cup was overflowing with opportunity. I was looking at my life and seeing disappointment but when I shifted my focus all I saw were possibilities. Once I changed my perspective I was able to move ahead and become much more joyful in my approach to life.
My wish for you is that you will take a deeper look into your circumstances and identify areas that you can "see"differently. Thoreau was right, its not what you look at but what you see! A potter doesn't see a mound of clay but a beautiful bowl or a stately statue. How can you change your perspective and find more joy in your life?
Today one of my PAs made the comment that his plate is overflowing with school work, med school applications, PA responsibilities and many other things, but he has decided to tackle everything with a positive attitude. To him, there was no point in grumbling about all the tasks he has to complete, but realizing that it will be much easier to conquer the mountainous "to do" list with a positive attitude. Why is it so difficult for the rest of us to follow suit and live life with the same attitude?
My singleness is probably the issue that I struggle with the most. I often times view it as a prison sentence instead of a time to explore and learn about myself. My perception of my current circumstance is totally off! A dear friend advised me that instead of praying to find Mr. Right, that I should focus on being thankful for the life stage that I am in. I am in a phase of my life where I can pick up and do whatever I want to! I can move across the country, take a vacation anywhere I want, splurge on a manicure or have cereal for dinner, all because I want to! I was so focused on the negative aspects of being single that I never stopped to realize that my cup was overflowing with opportunity. I was looking at my life and seeing disappointment but when I shifted my focus all I saw were possibilities. Once I changed my perspective I was able to move ahead and become much more joyful in my approach to life.
My wish for you is that you will take a deeper look into your circumstances and identify areas that you can "see"differently. Thoreau was right, its not what you look at but what you see! A potter doesn't see a mound of clay but a beautiful bowl or a stately statue. How can you change your perspective and find more joy in your life?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Finding Gold!
The other day I read a quote on Twitter that has really made me stop and think. The quote was, "all that glitters is not gold." That has stuck with me over the couple of days as I have thought about what I want in my life. How many times have you seen someone with something that you want and become green with envy? My life story!! I even did it today in church, there was a couple sitting a row in front of me and he had his arm around her shoulder. I thought to myself..."I want that, he must really care for her"; but in reality I have no idea what goes on in their relationship. This could have been his way of being territorial and she could have been cringing by the touch of his hand. I saw something that glittered, but had no idea if it was made of gold.
Jealousy and envy run rampant in our world. We are constantly comparing what we have and how we look against others who we have no idea what their struggles or identities are. I once told a friend that when I see couples at restaurants I get a little envious because they have what I want. She confided in me that if I would have seen her and her ex-boyfriend together I would have seen a perfect couple on the outside but would never have known the torment that she felt being in a relationship. I saw glitter and perfection but would not have known it wasn't really made of gold. I also do this when I see a girl in a cute outfit or see someone that I think is skinner or prettier than me, but I have no idea what the story is behind the outfit or if the person is dealing with an eating disorder or other body image issue. It is so much easier to assume that everything has come very easily for that other person while we beat ourselves up for our own lack of perfection.
Everyone has their own internal struggles that we will never know about. I may have a wall full of Coach purses (yes, I said wall...I hang them up like artwork, don't judge) but I will be first to tell you that they have all come from the outlet mall and I had a coupon; but when someone sees me carrying one they probably think that I am financially stable and can afford to buy an expensive purse. This is far from the truth, I am horrible at managing money and some months I am strapped for cash and live off of oatmeal for a week People may see the glitter and make assumptions but have no idea that money management is one of my biggest stressors.
The book of James is probably my favorite book of the Bible. There is a particular verse that I am drawn to when I think about gold, glittering and "wanting". James talks about desire giving birth to sin, and that "everything good and perfect gift is from above". This is the Truth! We all have desires and wants and we all see what we perceive to be gold in other people's lives and our jealousy or envy can drive us to make choices that aren't acceptable. For instance, maxing out credit cards, remaining in unstable relationships or coveting what our neighbor has. We must turn to God and ask with unwavering faith (James 1:6) for wisdom and when we do He will bless us! God is the gold that we should be striving for, He is the only perfection we will ever know. Next time you see someone with something you want, stop and say a prayer and be thankful for want you have and where you are in your life and you will start to see all your blessings sparkle and glitter a little more. .
Jealousy and envy run rampant in our world. We are constantly comparing what we have and how we look against others who we have no idea what their struggles or identities are. I once told a friend that when I see couples at restaurants I get a little envious because they have what I want. She confided in me that if I would have seen her and her ex-boyfriend together I would have seen a perfect couple on the outside but would never have known the torment that she felt being in a relationship. I saw glitter and perfection but would not have known it wasn't really made of gold. I also do this when I see a girl in a cute outfit or see someone that I think is skinner or prettier than me, but I have no idea what the story is behind the outfit or if the person is dealing with an eating disorder or other body image issue. It is so much easier to assume that everything has come very easily for that other person while we beat ourselves up for our own lack of perfection.
Everyone has their own internal struggles that we will never know about. I may have a wall full of Coach purses (yes, I said wall...I hang them up like artwork, don't judge) but I will be first to tell you that they have all come from the outlet mall and I had a coupon; but when someone sees me carrying one they probably think that I am financially stable and can afford to buy an expensive purse. This is far from the truth, I am horrible at managing money and some months I am strapped for cash and live off of oatmeal for a week People may see the glitter and make assumptions but have no idea that money management is one of my biggest stressors.
The book of James is probably my favorite book of the Bible. There is a particular verse that I am drawn to when I think about gold, glittering and "wanting". James talks about desire giving birth to sin, and that "everything good and perfect gift is from above". This is the Truth! We all have desires and wants and we all see what we perceive to be gold in other people's lives and our jealousy or envy can drive us to make choices that aren't acceptable. For instance, maxing out credit cards, remaining in unstable relationships or coveting what our neighbor has. We must turn to God and ask with unwavering faith (James 1:6) for wisdom and when we do He will bless us! God is the gold that we should be striving for, He is the only perfection we will ever know. Next time you see someone with something you want, stop and say a prayer and be thankful for want you have and where you are in your life and you will start to see all your blessings sparkle and glitter a little more. .
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Character
It is no surprise to anyone that I have tried on-line dating a time or two. I've put profiles on match, chemistry and eharmony, I have yet to find Mr. Right or have any kind of considerable luck. Each time I look at my profile and wonder what am I doing wrong. Do I need more pictures? Do I talk about my faith and relationship with God too much? Does my profile paint the right picture of who I truly am? That is the hardest part of on-line dating, describing who you are by answering questions in 200 words or less! How can I define who I really am in 200 words? Better yet, do I know who I really am?
People say that college is the time to find yourself and discover who you really are. Does that mean the day you graduate you all of a sudden have the answers to life's most difficult questions? If so, that is one test that I managed to fail. I'm 30 years old and I am still not sure of who I really am. I know what my morals, ethics and values are but I find it difficult to describe who I am. If you ask me to describe my best friend, I can describe her with much detail, but ask me about myself and I"m not exactly sure what to say.
There are so many factors that define who we are; the roles that we play, our chosen profession/careers, our friends, our actions, our words, and the list goes on and on. The question that I want to pose is...how intentional are we when we assume our roles, carry out our job descriptions or choose our actions? These decisions are what make us who we are! My eharmony profile says that I love to go two stepping, listen to live music and travel. That's all fine and dandy but those interest do not even begin to define me as a person. Someone once told me that everything I do in a day matters, and that is very true. How I decide to react to an angry parent in the office reveals my character. The words I choose to describe my day or attitude reveals my character. My character is who I am!
Finding yourself and discovering who you are is a life long journey. As I move through my life and learn different lessons, assume new roles, and encounter new challenges I will continue to learn who I am. I urge you to do the same. God will present you with obstacles to overcome and joyous occasions to celebrate that will contribute to your character. My wish for you is that you live each day with intention, don't let a moment slip through your fingers, reveal your character to the world. Acknowledge that this is a never ending process and that the journey is what matters the most!
People say that college is the time to find yourself and discover who you really are. Does that mean the day you graduate you all of a sudden have the answers to life's most difficult questions? If so, that is one test that I managed to fail. I'm 30 years old and I am still not sure of who I really am. I know what my morals, ethics and values are but I find it difficult to describe who I am. If you ask me to describe my best friend, I can describe her with much detail, but ask me about myself and I"m not exactly sure what to say.
There are so many factors that define who we are; the roles that we play, our chosen profession/careers, our friends, our actions, our words, and the list goes on and on. The question that I want to pose is...how intentional are we when we assume our roles, carry out our job descriptions or choose our actions? These decisions are what make us who we are! My eharmony profile says that I love to go two stepping, listen to live music and travel. That's all fine and dandy but those interest do not even begin to define me as a person. Someone once told me that everything I do in a day matters, and that is very true. How I decide to react to an angry parent in the office reveals my character. The words I choose to describe my day or attitude reveals my character. My character is who I am!
Finding yourself and discovering who you are is a life long journey. As I move through my life and learn different lessons, assume new roles, and encounter new challenges I will continue to learn who I am. I urge you to do the same. God will present you with obstacles to overcome and joyous occasions to celebrate that will contribute to your character. My wish for you is that you live each day with intention, don't let a moment slip through your fingers, reveal your character to the world. Acknowledge that this is a never ending process and that the journey is what matters the most!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Spirit of Want
Hello, my name is Ashley and I am a shopaholic! To some of you this is not a surprise at all, you know of my love for cute clothes, trendy accessories and Coach bags. It is truly an addiction that I am trying to shake. The reason I'm trying to set aside my materialistic ways it that I use shopping as a coping mechanism. I take retail therapy to a whole new level. I purchase things to make me feel better. How could a new pink Coach not brighten anyone's day? Shopping is also how I know that I am emotionally in a bad place, the worse I feel the more I shop. I shouldn't turn to Ann Taylor or Tiffany's to make me feel better, I should turn to God.
The first time I read Matthew 6:19-21, my parent's home in Killeen had recently been burglarized. It was shortly after my grandmother had passed away, and it had been a hectic day of moving some of her belongings. My mom didn't even tell me about the burglary until I asked where all my jewelery had gone. I had kept all the pieces that my grandmother had given me over the years in the top drawer of the dresser in my room. She broke down and told me that some kids had gotten in and stolen quite a bit from the house. I was so incredibly mad and frustrated. Someone had taken the only precious things that I had left from my grandmother and most like likely hocked them at a pawn shop. Shortly after this incident I managed to stumble across the verses in Matthew: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart will be also.". My true treasure is my grandmother, and her love for me consumes my heart. No one will ever be able to take that away from me.
My community group is currently reading a book entitled "Calm My Anxious Heart" and the chapter for this week centers on possessions and recognizing that everything is God's. She uses the verse from Matthew to illustrate God's love and what the desires of are hearts should be. She also challenges her readers to stop and ask themselves "Where is my treasure? Where is my heart?" when faced with the decision to purchase something. I am challenging you to do the exact same thing. Learn where you place your focus and desires.
Over the years I have developed a Spirit of Want and not a Spirit of Contentment or Peace and I believe that is the root for many of my personal trials. My "want" now is God, and His love for me is totally free! I need to stop worrying about if my clothes make me look frumpy or if anyone will notice that I wore the same pants twice in one week, I need to worry about showing others love and being a woman of character. I want people to like me for the person I am, not the labels or styles that I wear. I know that I will continue to shop and purchase an occasional Coach (on sale...at the outlet mall), but this is not where I will seek joy from. I will find joy in my relationship with God and being a reflection of Him.
This will be a topic that I blog about a lot because I am trying to become more content with who I am and what I have, which links itself very well with my budgetary issues. I wasn't kidding when I said I was a big mess! I truly do hope that my words are encouraging some of you to dig deeper into your own lives. I'm trying to tear down my walls and be vulnerable and honest with each post. I want you to share in this journey with me and I love reading the comments that you all post as well. It makes me feel like I'm not out here all alone. Thank you for your support!
The first time I read Matthew 6:19-21, my parent's home in Killeen had recently been burglarized. It was shortly after my grandmother had passed away, and it had been a hectic day of moving some of her belongings. My mom didn't even tell me about the burglary until I asked where all my jewelery had gone. I had kept all the pieces that my grandmother had given me over the years in the top drawer of the dresser in my room. She broke down and told me that some kids had gotten in and stolen quite a bit from the house. I was so incredibly mad and frustrated. Someone had taken the only precious things that I had left from my grandmother and most like likely hocked them at a pawn shop. Shortly after this incident I managed to stumble across the verses in Matthew: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart will be also.". My true treasure is my grandmother, and her love for me consumes my heart. No one will ever be able to take that away from me.
My community group is currently reading a book entitled "Calm My Anxious Heart" and the chapter for this week centers on possessions and recognizing that everything is God's. She uses the verse from Matthew to illustrate God's love and what the desires of are hearts should be. She also challenges her readers to stop and ask themselves "Where is my treasure? Where is my heart?" when faced with the decision to purchase something. I am challenging you to do the exact same thing. Learn where you place your focus and desires.
Over the years I have developed a Spirit of Want and not a Spirit of Contentment or Peace and I believe that is the root for many of my personal trials. My "want" now is God, and His love for me is totally free! I need to stop worrying about if my clothes make me look frumpy or if anyone will notice that I wore the same pants twice in one week, I need to worry about showing others love and being a woman of character. I want people to like me for the person I am, not the labels or styles that I wear. I know that I will continue to shop and purchase an occasional Coach (on sale...at the outlet mall), but this is not where I will seek joy from. I will find joy in my relationship with God and being a reflection of Him.
This will be a topic that I blog about a lot because I am trying to become more content with who I am and what I have, which links itself very well with my budgetary issues. I wasn't kidding when I said I was a big mess! I truly do hope that my words are encouraging some of you to dig deeper into your own lives. I'm trying to tear down my walls and be vulnerable and honest with each post. I want you to share in this journey with me and I love reading the comments that you all post as well. It makes me feel like I'm not out here all alone. Thank you for your support!
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