Webster's Dictionary defines shame as a painful emotion or a condition of humiliating disgrace. That's pretty heavy and gives you something to think about. I've never really thought much about shame and what it really is. The word is thrown around Christian circles and is often followed closely by the word "guilt". I figured that since I really didn't feel guilty about anything that I didn't shouldn't be shameful.
I'm going through a ministry right now that is forcing me to get to the root problem of my insecurities and body image issues.My group is at the phase where we are trudging through past memories to find out what has caused our current behavior. I was reading a devotional this morning based on shame and realized that this is indeed part of my story and why I focus so much on my clothes and how I look.
I was teased and made fun of from elementary school to college because of my appearance.I had plastic surgery the summer after I graduated with my BA to correct my protruding ears. I lacked the cartilage that naturally creates a fold in the top part of the ear which shapes the ear back towards the head. I was called "dumbo" until high school and people even pointed them out in college. I can vividly remember being at my locker in middle school and having people thump the back of my ears when they walked by. I never wore my hair back and did the best I could to hide them to avoid embarrassment and teasing.
I can remember being made fun of in middle school because my jeans were not the right length and in high school because my skin was too fair. I was regularly called "casper" and that lasted through high school. In seventh grade I had a fake Dooney and Burke and was teased for that as well. I hadn't realized how much I let these incidents haunt me. Today, at the age of 32, I still carry around the hurt and shame that was cultivated so many years ago. I don't feel that I measure up when it comes to my appearance. I don't want to give anyone the opportunity to make fun of me, I had plastic surgery, I use self-tanner, I always make sure my jeans are the appropriate length. I try to stay up-to-date on trends and match what everyone else is wearing. I can't afford brand name labels, so I do my best to make sure I immolate what I can from the stores I shop from.
I'm carrying around this shame and embarrassment because I don't want my past to repeat itself. However, in carrying around these feelings I am creating a gap between me and God. This gap isn't going to get any smaller until I find my identity in Him and it will continue to grow as I focus on who I am on the outside. I need to work through all these painful memories and establish myself in Christ and not jeans and self-tanner. I want to be known and loved for my character and a servants heart and not what I decide to wear. Please pray that I as I move forward I will be able to put these past memories to rest and not be shackled to them anymore. I can and will find freedom in Christ.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Seek HIm First
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all
these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:33)
During the past two days I have helped two of my beautiful friends confront their singleness while I too was struggling with the same issue. One friend was brought to tears over her current state while the other two of us are reeling from hurt and rejection. I believe that God urged these two women to turn to me so that through encouraging them, I could be reminded of His love for me.
I know that everyone (men and women) struggle with the desire to be in an earthly relationship, but the heavenly relationship is paramount to anything we could ever know here. God created us in His image, don't take that as face value and believe that we were simply created to resemble characteristics. The most important fact to focus on is that He created our hearts just like His, to desire love and relationship above all else. He created Adam and Eve to share in the wonders of the garden and be in constant communion with Him. They knew and felt His presence continually and were content with the love that He lavished upon them. Then there was a small incident with an apple, a serpent and a tree. I think we all know what I'm talking about! That one bite created a ripple effect and we still feel the consequences of one bad decision.
A void was created that day in the garden. A void that would forever exists in our hearts. A void that we will try to fill with worldly desires...possessions, addictions, habits and even love. The only one true love that will fill this void is God. I told one friend this morning that we are already living the greatest love story ever (that was straight from the Holy Spirit!). What man (or woman!) today would accept to be nailed to a cross to show how much they loved another person? Bruno Mars thinks he's gonna take a grenade for you, but when it comes down to it, do you think he would? I know that some people how found sacrificial love in their spouses and truly love like Christ loves us, but their hearts aren't full because of their partner, their hearts are full because their first love is Him.
Being in a relationship isn't going to take away your loneliness, make you feel more beautiful (or handsome), or take away your problems. You'll have a whole new set of problems revolving around two people instead of one. My advice is simple, don't seek what you are looking for in a relationship on earth. I know that's a hard pill to swallow and sometimes I forget to take my daily dose. We have been given the desire to have a relationship because we are supposed to have one with Him above all else! Stop and really think WHY you want to have an earthly relationship. Are you looking for validation? Acceptance? A cure? While you may temporarily find these things, they are fleeting. There are some very lonely married people out there.
When you start an earthly relationship founded upon a heavenly relationship you have so many more opportunities to be successful. Think about all the lessons God is teaching us as singles: communication (daily prayer and confession), listening (discerning His words), putting others first (seeking to please him), patience (waiting on his timing), love (serving others and loving Him), perseverance (a continual walk with Him during highs and lows)...I could go on but I think you get the picture. Creating and maintaining a relationship with Him is equipping your heart for all that an earthly relationship is. Seek Him first and you may begin to see that your motivation and desires to be in a relationship change into something new and even better. You'll find everything you need in Him and learn to love how He loves us.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Not Enough
I'm not skinny enough. This has indeed been confirmed. Pretty enough, maybe. Skinny enough, not so much. This time I was told this, it wasn't just a personal thought but something verbalized by another person. I wanted to know if any of my behaviors weren't appealing to the opposite sex, it all came down to insecurity and how I look. Once I slim down I will be more approachable and have a better chance of meeting someone. I've been very open about struggling with body image and not being able to see myself as God created me. I tried to convince myself that my inner dialogue was lies from Satan, but now I'm not sure what to think.
I know all the right scripture...beauty is fleeting, fearfully and wonderfully made, beauty should not come from outward adornment, I am made in His image...but I'm stuck in a world that values what you see, not who you are. I very much want to have a family of my own, but that's unlikely to happen until I drop 20 pounds. My heart is breaking because I want to live a life that depends solely on the word of God but I am forced to succumb to the ideals of the world I am in. I know I am not made for this world and my true place is with my King, but for now I am in a world that has me under its thumb.
Romans 12:1-2 calls us to use our bodies as a holy sacrifice and to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. For me, this is easier said than done. I would like nothing more than to get fit for God, to show him obedience and love by becoming a better me and not relying on the standards of the world.However, he knows that in my heart that my real motivation is to be more attractive and hopefully be approached by someone. I know that this is not pleasing to him. I need freedom from these negative thoughts, a freedom that only he can provide. I'm just not sure how to get there.
I know all the right scripture...beauty is fleeting, fearfully and wonderfully made, beauty should not come from outward adornment, I am made in His image...but I'm stuck in a world that values what you see, not who you are. I very much want to have a family of my own, but that's unlikely to happen until I drop 20 pounds. My heart is breaking because I want to live a life that depends solely on the word of God but I am forced to succumb to the ideals of the world I am in. I know I am not made for this world and my true place is with my King, but for now I am in a world that has me under its thumb.
Romans 12:1-2 calls us to use our bodies as a holy sacrifice and to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. For me, this is easier said than done. I would like nothing more than to get fit for God, to show him obedience and love by becoming a better me and not relying on the standards of the world.However, he knows that in my heart that my real motivation is to be more attractive and hopefully be approached by someone. I know that this is not pleasing to him. I need freedom from these negative thoughts, a freedom that only he can provide. I'm just not sure how to get there.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Lesson Learned
I can truly understand why pride is one of the seven deadly sins. I learned a very important lesson this week and am very thankful. While I wish I could erase the incident in question from my track record, I am glad that I serve a God that is full of grace and disciplines his children.
I had a specific goal in mind that I wanted to reach. I was confident that if I took certain actions that I would make a name for myself and achieve my goal. In my mind I knew what I needed to do and was on the path to get there. Enter God. He quickly put the kibosh on my agenda. I was striving to be known, that people would recognize my name and be impressed with what I had done. Fail. I was putting myself first and not wanting to make God's name known. I made it all about me and God put me back in my place.
Hebrews 12:6 tells us that God disciplines those that he loves. Well, I can sure testify to that! I have been humbled by the current situation that I am in. If God wants me to reach this goal it will happen, and it will be from him (James 1:17). It will not be based on what I did or didn't do. If I reach my goal it will be to bring him glory, not myself. I got so caught up in what I wanted, I forgot to consider what God wanted or what would bring him the greatest glory.
I am eternally grateful for his discipline and forgiveness. I am also thankful that all this went down with people who seek to serve him and practice forgiveness and grace. All I can do now is move on and consider this a lesson learned. I have to remember that he must become greater, and I must become less (John 3:30).
I had a specific goal in mind that I wanted to reach. I was confident that if I took certain actions that I would make a name for myself and achieve my goal. In my mind I knew what I needed to do and was on the path to get there. Enter God. He quickly put the kibosh on my agenda. I was striving to be known, that people would recognize my name and be impressed with what I had done. Fail. I was putting myself first and not wanting to make God's name known. I made it all about me and God put me back in my place.
Hebrews 12:6 tells us that God disciplines those that he loves. Well, I can sure testify to that! I have been humbled by the current situation that I am in. If God wants me to reach this goal it will happen, and it will be from him (James 1:17). It will not be based on what I did or didn't do. If I reach my goal it will be to bring him glory, not myself. I got so caught up in what I wanted, I forgot to consider what God wanted or what would bring him the greatest glory.
I am eternally grateful for his discipline and forgiveness. I am also thankful that all this went down with people who seek to serve him and practice forgiveness and grace. All I can do now is move on and consider this a lesson learned. I have to remember that he must become greater, and I must become less (John 3:30).
Friday, March 15, 2013
What I really, really want...
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny
himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save
his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the
gospel will save it" (Mark 8:34-35)
Hello, my name is Ashley and I struggle with self-discipline. Well, maybe "struggle" is an understatement, I have no self-discipline. I do what I want when I want. I am much like Paul, I do what I shouldn't when I know what I should do (Romans 7:15). My alarm is set for 6:00 am to get up, work-out, have my quiet time and get ready for work. I'm never up before 7:45. I've tried setting my alarm to my favorite song, I've tried setting my alarm to my favorite worship song, I've tried using the alarm clock on my bookshelf. Nothing seems to help.
I'm a diabetic and have the biggest sweet tooth (I know, right!), especially when it come to breakfast foods. On the weekends I splurge and eat a sugary treat for breakfast. I've tried memorizing Romans 12:1 as a reminder to use my body as a living sacrifice and not eat such bad for me foods...hasn't really worked out for me. I'm saving for school but have been justifying shopping so that I can stock up on clothes now because I won't be able to afford anything new once my income declines. What I want, when I want it.
Mark 8:34-35 really spoke to me this morning, the phrase that caught my attention was "...he must deny himself...". This is one thing that I certainly do not do! I want a new dress, I buy it. I want pancakes, I eat them. There is a common theme among all of this...want, want, want. What do I really need? I need to deny myself and not give in to the temptation of these desires. Yes, these things may seem small and trivial, but if this behavior is keeping me from growing in my relationship with Christ then I need to stop buying dresses and eating pancakes.Shopping and eating may not be sins in and of themselves, but if these tasks are fulfilling emotional needs, it is worth finding the root of where this desires come from. I don't want to be like the rich man in Matthew 19 that didn't want to sell his belongs to follow Jesus. I want to forgo my desires and live for Him.
Self-discipline is about holding your self accountable and making decisions about a healthy lifestyle. I need these skills, not just for me but as a way to follow Christ and grow in Him. I must deny myself in order to be like Him. He must become more and I must become less (John 3:30). This world is not about me and what I want, it's about serving Him and furthering the kingdom. Here's to incorporating more self-discipline in my life! Where do you stand?
Sunday, February 24, 2013
A Sea of Pretty Faces
There are hundreds of pretty girls that go to The Porch* on Tuesday nights. I wish the "hundreds" was an exaggeration but it's not. An estimated 2,500 people go into the worship center at Watermark to hang on JP's every word on a weekly basis. I'm a big fan of The Porch, I love the music (that's my jam!), the messages and I am currently going through the class to be able to serve. It's a pretty great way to spend your Tuesday night.
Back to my first statement, pretty girls abound there. Everywhere you turn there is another girl with perfectly styled hair, the latest trends and expertly done make-up. You really can't escape it. I try my hardest to fit in, but I always seem to miss the mark; either humidity has made some of my hair awkwardly curly, or my make-up has worn off during the day or I'm not sporting the latest trends (skinny jeans are not made for girls with hips!). To be completely honest, when I go shopping I often find myself asking..."would I wear this to The Porch?". If the answer is no, it goes back on the rack. Now, you don't have to tell me that I am totally missing the point of going to church on Tuesday night if this is where my mind is. I'm right there with you.
I have made no secret of my body image issues. I live in the land of comparison and berate myself for the pounds I've put on over three years. I'm consumed with thoughts on how I don't measure up simply because my measurements aren't the ideal 36-24-36 (and yes, for those who know me well, I am now singing Baby Got Back in my head!). I am shameful in who I am and try to hide in my clothes. The good news is, is that God is transforming my heart and mind (Romans 12:2). It is a slow process but I feel that I am making some strides.
I don't think that the perfect hair, latest trends and expert make-up come easily to most girls at The Porch. My personal opinion is that most of them strive to reach this society made expectation and it ultimately hurts God's heart. I strive just to stay in the race. The pack is up ahead and I just want to reach them. It's not going to happen, because that's just not who I am. The underside of my hair will always have a curl to it, I still can't figure out how to wear eyeliner on the bottom of my eyes and I'd rather be in an Audrey Hepburn inspired dress than a super trendy outfit from a pricy boutique. However, none of these things are important. Beauty comes to those who have a heart at rest that is full of faith, hope and love.
I not only hurt myself when I tear myself down, but I hurt my Creator. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in his image. First Peter 3:3-4 tells me that my beauty is not in outward adornment but in a gentle and quiet spirit. Beauty comes from who I am and how I love and serve God. I must quit striving and seek him, for his love will quiet my soul (Zeph 3:17). Popping pills, drinking smoothies that taste like grass and counting calories aren't going to bring me any relief from my negative image, only God can do that. There is a clear difference in living a healthy lifestyle and giving in to the latest fad. I don't want to be a slave to food labels or trends, I want to be a slave to him. Is my priority maintaining weight, burning calories, meeting the requirements of the food pyramid or using my body as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1)?
My goal isn't to be just another pretty girl at The Porch. My goal is to be at rest, to reveal a beauty that is found in my soul and not based on my size or my fashion choice. Outward beauty is fleeting (Proverbs 31:30) and happiness can not be based on that, happiness is fleeting. Only eternal joy that is found in Christ can sustain a person's heart and soul. Are you chasing happiness or seeking eternal joy?
*The Porch is the Young Adults service at Watermark Community Church on Tuesday from 7-8:30. It is amazing! If you are interested in attending, let me know!!
Back to my first statement, pretty girls abound there. Everywhere you turn there is another girl with perfectly styled hair, the latest trends and expertly done make-up. You really can't escape it. I try my hardest to fit in, but I always seem to miss the mark; either humidity has made some of my hair awkwardly curly, or my make-up has worn off during the day or I'm not sporting the latest trends (skinny jeans are not made for girls with hips!). To be completely honest, when I go shopping I often find myself asking..."would I wear this to The Porch?". If the answer is no, it goes back on the rack. Now, you don't have to tell me that I am totally missing the point of going to church on Tuesday night if this is where my mind is. I'm right there with you.
I have made no secret of my body image issues. I live in the land of comparison and berate myself for the pounds I've put on over three years. I'm consumed with thoughts on how I don't measure up simply because my measurements aren't the ideal 36-24-36 (and yes, for those who know me well, I am now singing Baby Got Back in my head!). I am shameful in who I am and try to hide in my clothes. The good news is, is that God is transforming my heart and mind (Romans 12:2). It is a slow process but I feel that I am making some strides.
I don't think that the perfect hair, latest trends and expert make-up come easily to most girls at The Porch. My personal opinion is that most of them strive to reach this society made expectation and it ultimately hurts God's heart. I strive just to stay in the race. The pack is up ahead and I just want to reach them. It's not going to happen, because that's just not who I am. The underside of my hair will always have a curl to it, I still can't figure out how to wear eyeliner on the bottom of my eyes and I'd rather be in an Audrey Hepburn inspired dress than a super trendy outfit from a pricy boutique. However, none of these things are important. Beauty comes to those who have a heart at rest that is full of faith, hope and love.
I not only hurt myself when I tear myself down, but I hurt my Creator. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in his image. First Peter 3:3-4 tells me that my beauty is not in outward adornment but in a gentle and quiet spirit. Beauty comes from who I am and how I love and serve God. I must quit striving and seek him, for his love will quiet my soul (Zeph 3:17). Popping pills, drinking smoothies that taste like grass and counting calories aren't going to bring me any relief from my negative image, only God can do that. There is a clear difference in living a healthy lifestyle and giving in to the latest fad. I don't want to be a slave to food labels or trends, I want to be a slave to him. Is my priority maintaining weight, burning calories, meeting the requirements of the food pyramid or using my body as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1)?
My goal isn't to be just another pretty girl at The Porch. My goal is to be at rest, to reveal a beauty that is found in my soul and not based on my size or my fashion choice. Outward beauty is fleeting (Proverbs 31:30) and happiness can not be based on that, happiness is fleeting. Only eternal joy that is found in Christ can sustain a person's heart and soul. Are you chasing happiness or seeking eternal joy?
*The Porch is the Young Adults service at Watermark Community Church on Tuesday from 7-8:30. It is amazing! If you are interested in attending, let me know!!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Hurry up and wait...
I love it when God speaks to me!! I sat down with my bible for quiet time and before I opened His word I asked him to reveal to me what he wanted me to know. I have been a hot mess lately all because I have been working off of my
own timeline and in the vain of being completely authentic...I've been
mad at God. I've been desperately trying to figure out the answers to
several questions and trying to understand the current predicament that I
am in, knowing full well that I am not going to get those answers or
gain that understanding (Proverbs 3:5).
I opened my bible to where I had left off, I was following along with The Journey and was reading about Noah. I was in the part where the rain had stopped but Noah was unsure if the ground was there. He kept sending out birds to figure out if it was time to leave the ark. He sent out a raven, and waited...sent out a dove and waited...sent out another dove and waited...that's when I had my "aha moment", there is a whole lotta waiting in the bible! This is a consistent theme through His word! I know I have mentioned in several posts that I am the worst waiter in the world. I hate to wait. Why can't things just happen? I mean, I'm on a timeline, here people, I don't have all day. However, it is helpful to know that I am not the only person who has ever been plagued by the disease of waiting.
"Poor, poor, Joseph, whatcha gonna do?". What would be worse than your own flesh and blood selling you off into slavery? I know Allison (my big sister) tried to convince me that I was adopted when I was younger but at least she never tried to sell me (or I hope not!). Joseph in deed had it rough. He had all these amazing dreams, so he knew something was in store for him, but had to bide time in jail because of pesky Potiphar's wife. He had a lot of time on his hands to wait...
Sarah wanted nothing more than to have children. God even promised her she would! Today it is still an emotional roller-coaster for women who are trying to conceive, and even worse for those who are unable to. Sarah wanted nothing more than to bless Abraham with a family of his own. She even went far enough to send in her servant to lay with Abraham, clearly that was not one of her best decisions, but her dreams and wants outweighed her faith in God's timing.
For those of you that know me really well, you know that I have this silly giggle that I do when I am super excited about something. It is not like my normal laugh but indeed a giggle! Well, I know without a doubt that when I get to heaven, that giggle is going to ensue like crazy!! I know I will be humbled before Jesus and our heavenly father, but when I get to meet Paul, there is no holding back!! I kinda see him as a celebrity. His love for Jesus was so consuming that the persecution he endured was nothing to him. He used his time wisely while he was waiting on his freedom, he sent others out to spread the good word and wrote letters encouraging other followers to maintain their love and devotion to Christ.
This blog has the potential to be the longest I've ever written. I could continue to detail the stories of the chosen people who had to wait (David, Moses, Mary and Martha, etc.) but I won't. The moral of the story is once again...its not about me. Jesus didn't heal Lazarus when he was sick, but raised him from the dead because that action glorified God the most. I realize now that I have been dwelling on all the wrong questions these past few days. Questions that centered on me and not on Him. I know that He has His best in store for me and I will have to wait until He is ready to present it to me. It is for His glory and happiness, not mine.
P.S. Please remind me to re-read this when things don't work out my way!
I opened my bible to where I had left off, I was following along with The Journey and was reading about Noah. I was in the part where the rain had stopped but Noah was unsure if the ground was there. He kept sending out birds to figure out if it was time to leave the ark. He sent out a raven, and waited...sent out a dove and waited...sent out another dove and waited...that's when I had my "aha moment", there is a whole lotta waiting in the bible! This is a consistent theme through His word! I know I have mentioned in several posts that I am the worst waiter in the world. I hate to wait. Why can't things just happen? I mean, I'm on a timeline, here people, I don't have all day. However, it is helpful to know that I am not the only person who has ever been plagued by the disease of waiting.
"Poor, poor, Joseph, whatcha gonna do?". What would be worse than your own flesh and blood selling you off into slavery? I know Allison (my big sister) tried to convince me that I was adopted when I was younger but at least she never tried to sell me (or I hope not!). Joseph in deed had it rough. He had all these amazing dreams, so he knew something was in store for him, but had to bide time in jail because of pesky Potiphar's wife. He had a lot of time on his hands to wait...
Sarah wanted nothing more than to have children. God even promised her she would! Today it is still an emotional roller-coaster for women who are trying to conceive, and even worse for those who are unable to. Sarah wanted nothing more than to bless Abraham with a family of his own. She even went far enough to send in her servant to lay with Abraham, clearly that was not one of her best decisions, but her dreams and wants outweighed her faith in God's timing.
For those of you that know me really well, you know that I have this silly giggle that I do when I am super excited about something. It is not like my normal laugh but indeed a giggle! Well, I know without a doubt that when I get to heaven, that giggle is going to ensue like crazy!! I know I will be humbled before Jesus and our heavenly father, but when I get to meet Paul, there is no holding back!! I kinda see him as a celebrity. His love for Jesus was so consuming that the persecution he endured was nothing to him. He used his time wisely while he was waiting on his freedom, he sent others out to spread the good word and wrote letters encouraging other followers to maintain their love and devotion to Christ.
This blog has the potential to be the longest I've ever written. I could continue to detail the stories of the chosen people who had to wait (David, Moses, Mary and Martha, etc.) but I won't. The moral of the story is once again...its not about me. Jesus didn't heal Lazarus when he was sick, but raised him from the dead because that action glorified God the most. I realize now that I have been dwelling on all the wrong questions these past few days. Questions that centered on me and not on Him. I know that He has His best in store for me and I will have to wait until He is ready to present it to me. It is for His glory and happiness, not mine.
P.S. Please remind me to re-read this when things don't work out my way!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)