Last night I had a fairly extensive dream with my ex-boyfriend in it and it is continuing to haunt me. I really did think that I had found "The One" when we started dating. We jumped into the deep end very quickly and he was even talking about how we would move in together one day, just a month into our relationship. He broke up with me after four months, but we continued to hang out for awhile until I told him that I couldn't be just his friend anymore. It was too hard to go out as friends and not want more. I knew that I would continue to make him a priority when he would not make me one. When he ended things he simply told me that he had some issues that he needed to figure out on his own and he never let me know what those issues were.
In the dream, I randomly saw him at a party and had the opportunity to talk to him about why he left me. Of course, now that I am awake I have no recollection of the conversation, my heart just aches with the memory of him. I've also been dreaming about someone else that I was involved with and I miss him too. I know that nothing will ever come of these past relationships but I can't seem to let them go. The weird part of all of this is, is that I never felt like a priority to either person. I wanted to give my life to both of them but they didn't let me. I tried to do everything in my power to please one of them but always seemed to miss the mark. God desperately wants me to give my life to him but I can't seem to give him control. This is a win-win situation but yet I am still hesitant. I am a priority to God and He would give me everything I dreamed of if I could just trust Him. It seems like I trust Him in all areas of my life except those issues concerning love...and that is the most important area.
I've come along way in moving past these relationships and I know with God's help I will continue to be successful. I also hope that I can use my experience to help a dear friend who is struggling with a similar issue. She is beautiful, loving, and caring but has been so deeply hurt that she can't see this anymore. I want God to use me in her life so that we can both learn to trust in Him more.
It has been 5 yrs since I ended my very emotionally draining unhealthy relationship. I only occasionally think about him now but things like the Garth Brooks song Unanswered Prayers are a constant reminder that God is in complete control of everything in our lives and even when we think we want something so badly it hurts when we don't get it, we have to remember He knew all along it wasn't going to happen.
ReplyDeleteI'm excited to see that you are understanding the importance of truly surrendering yourself to God in all areas of life and I hope the love department starts to become a little easier to let go of. Love you!!