Epiphanies

I had the most bizarre dream last night! I was with my sister and my mom and we were at home sorting through possessions of my grandmother's (who is deceased) and several other extended family members were there (who are also deceased). One highlight was that Donnie Wahlberg just happened to be my cousin! Odd, I know! Anyways, at some part during the dream my teeth began to fall out. I vividly remember a hole appeared in one tooth and the center of it popped out. I'm freaking out and my mom is frantically trying to find a dentist on a Saturday morning and I am calling a former staff member who wants to be a dentist asking if she knows anyone that I can go see. This is where either my memory stops or the dream ends. I have no idea if my teeth are ever restored.

I am one of those people that is fascinated by the meaning of dreams, so I roll over in bed, grab my iPhone and immediately begin googling my disturbing dream. I find a pretty lengthy article and dive right in. I'm told that teeth falling out in a dream can symbolize a loss of power, reflect a feeling of rejection or even represent anxieties of being embarrassed. I keep reading and find a spiritual interpretation of my dream, seems that losing teeth can be an illustration of man wandering from God's word and placing too much emphasis on societies perceptions. Bingo!

Lately, I have been dealing with some serious body issues. I have managed to convince myself that a certain guy isn't interested in me because of my size. I have compared myself to other girls he finds attractive and the only conclusion I can come to is that I'm just too big for him. I have no factual information to back this up, just the musings of an over analytical mind. I am trapped in a society where size really does matter and I have let that thought consume my heart and mind. Ugh. I have placed the standards of man over the word of God.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that God has made everything beautiful in its time. Proverbs 31 tells us that charm and beauty are fleeting and that character is where the true value is. Genesis tells me that I am made in His image, how can I not love that? God is telling me that I am placing way to much emphasis on what the world says is attractive and not enough on what He says the type of woman I should be. My value isn't found in worldly standards but in heavenly ones. I am much more than just a pretty face. I am loving, caring, giving, supportive, loyal, dependable, smart, fun, and kinda goofy. I love all these qualities and need to work on loving who I am on the outside too.

I'm thankful that God has opened my eyes to the way I have been thinking. I'm glad that Joseph wasn't the only one He spoke to in dreams! I'm still going to continue working out and attempting to eat better but my motivation as changed; no longer will it be to catch the eye of a boy but to become healthier and feel more confident for myself. My beauty is captured in my soul and my heart, that's what I want to be loved for.

Love and Kindness

It has been a very long day! My alarm went off at 5am so that I could serve as a RUO (Responsible University Official) for a volunteer event. My group went to the International Museum of Culture, where I cleaned all the glass casing for the exhibits. The Director and her staff were very thankful for our time and energy, we accomplished all the tasks that they rarely have time for. We did good!

This evening I decided to finally go and purchase the few remaining pieces I needed to transform my full size bed into a queen size. I needed a bedskirt and wooden slats to reinforce the frame. I arrived at the lumber aisle of Home Depot and I must have looked completely out of place because an older gentlemen asked if I needed help with something. After explaining what I was looking for he told me I was looking at the wrong wood and instructed me on what to purchase and how many stats I would need. I left the store with exactly what I needed. I was saved by the friendliness of a stranger.

I get home and finally get my bed a part and reassembled to the dimensions of a queen...or so I thought. Turns out that I had currently calculated the width of the new bed, but failed to consider the length. Here I was with a brand new box spring, a free mattress and all the bedding for a queen but not the right bed frame. Fail. I quickly jump on the internet to start pricing bed rails and realize that I need a certain kind since I have the headboard and footboard. Fail times 2. I make a made dash to a furniture store that is open until 9 (whew!) in search of the much needed rails. I can get the rails at the store, it will only take 2 weeks for them to get here, I think back to my bedroom that is a huge mess thanks to my new and old mattress sets. Fail times 3. Then the sales associate asks if she can give me some advice, certainly! Although, it meant losing a sale she tells me to go to a mattress store that will undoubtedly have what I need. Score! Thanks to her kindness I will be able to pick up my new bed frame tomorrow!

I could not be more thankful for the kindness of two perfect strangers today. One helped me avoid picking out the wrong wood for my bed and the other saved the day by telling me to make a purchase that wasn't from her store. Neither person had anything to gain from offering words of wisdom or taking the time to point me in the right direction but they did anyway. How often do you take the time to for a random act of kindness?

John 13:35, Jesus tells us to love one another as He has loved us; 1 John 4:19 says we love because He first loved us; 1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that love is patient and kind. Love isn't always the weak in the knees, fireworks going off, butterflies in the stomach feeling but it is a glow that surrounds you when you reach out to those around you. We are instructed to show love to everyone that crosses our path, regardless if they have shown it to us or not. This is what makes people stand out, this is what makes people genuine. Our society constantly places personal needs and desires above anything else, when was the last time you put someone's needs above your own...and not for the returned favor or the ceremonially pat on the back, but because you simply felt moved to make a difference? God wants us to embrace each individual that comes into our lives and to show them love and kindness. I think the Beatles may have had a good grasp on this topic...all you need is love! 

Somewhere Out There

Against my better judgment, I am watching "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC. For those of you who aren't familiar with the show, women trek from all over the country to a particular boutique to try on wedding dresses. Sometimes it is an utter train wreck with girls trying on dresses that our outside their budget or family members picking a part the dream dress; other times you get wrapped up in the love story and get so excited when someone says "yes" to the dress!

I usually try to stay away from this show because it tugs at my heart. God made us to be relational, we seek out relationships with others to fulfill certain needs. My heart longs to meet the man I am going to marry. In the past I have sought out relationships to fill a void in my life, I always thought that once I was in a serious relationships that all my problems would magically melt away. I couldn't have been more wrong! My problems will only become more manageable once I am in an intimate relationship with God and am able to turn to Him for help.

During the past six months my attitudes have changed tremendously when it has come to seeking a relationship with a man. I now know that a relationship isn't about filling a void but sharing a life with someone and for the first time I have faith that God has someone in store for me, he is somewhere out there. He could be someone I already know or a complete stranger, but I know he is there.  I used to be hopeless and wonder if a relationship was even possible and now I know it is! I am genuinely excited about what the future holds. My task now is to learn what it means to be in a relationship with someone. I know how to be single but I must learn what it means to be part of something bigger. I've also realized that I don't know how to be courted. I'm so used to playing an active role in pursuing someone that I don't know how to sit back and let it happen to me. God will teach me these lessons over time as He prepares me. I've always said that I want to be with a godly man, and a godly man deserves a godly woman.

I once thought that I had found the man I was going to marry, but then he broke my heart. It took me a very long time to get over him and looking back on that relationship I am embarrassed that I jumped in so quickly. I am very thankful that God ended that story in my life. If He hadn't I wouldn't have meet some of my best friends, become active in church or come to rely on Him more. I believe that I am a far better person today than I was year ago. My faith has grown in leaps and bounds and I can find my significance in Him instead of what I own or what others think about me. I'm in a much better place than I ever could of dreamed of.

I'm excited to see what each new day brings. I know that I am still going to have days when I am sad and lonely but those days will be easier to handle with God beside me. He has great things in store for me and I can't wait to watch everything unfold!

Squirming

Posey does not like having her eyes/faced cleaned. She squirms and tries so hard to release her head from my grip as I clean away her eye boogers and get hair out of her eyes. She doesn't understand what I am doing and fights me the entire time. Eventually I give up and let her run away from me and hide under the bed until she has forgotten what I did to her. This morning I heard myself tell her that I know this may hurt a little but I am doing it for her own good. I wonder if God tells himself that when we are in pain?

I am simply trying to take care of Posey by cleaning her face. I know that she cannot do it on her own and needs me there to clip her hair and wipe away the gunk that has collected in the corner of her eyes, she also hates baths but that is a whole other story! If I can get her to sit still long enough for me to finish the process I know she appreciates the clear vision, although she will withhold giving me attention until she forgets about the incident. Later she will crawl back into my lap and want me to love on her, all is forgiven. I wish she knew that it was for her own good.

I can't help but wonder if God is thinking something similar when He is trying to clean away all the bad things from our eyes. We don't always understand how things turn out in life, like why we didn't get that job, why someone close to us was diagnosed with an illness, why we are having relationship problems...we just don't get it. However, when it comes down to it we don't need to understand if we trust God. There is pain in our lives so that we will turn to God and so that we will develop perseverance and patience. It may hurt for a little while but God has a plan for us and we will be successful in His time and not ours; that totally makes sense when you read it but reconciling it in your heart can sometimes be the difficult part.

To be completely honest, I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. The life that I dreamed of isn't the one that I am living. I am ready to put roots down somewhere but I feel like I am still in a state of transition. I don't know where I will be in the next year and I do not like that feeling. I need to trust God more and to realize that what He is doing is for my own good. I may squirm and fight to get out of His grasp but He knows that what He is doing is best for me and He is not going to let go. I need to stop fighting God and trying to control my life in order to live the life that He has planned for me. Just like Posey needs to trust me that I am taking care of her, I need to trust God because he is taking care of me.

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3

All my friends know that I love Coach purses! It is the one brand that I am absolutely devoted to. My current collection hangs on a wall in my spare bedroom like artwork! Although I do love this brand, I refuse to pay retail. All of my purchases have been made at an outlet...with a coupon! My favorite deal was on a large (ok, very large) bag that I paid a fraction of the cost for. I use it for weekend travel, group outings or anytime that I need to tote around a bunch of stuff. One staff member even claimed that he could live in the bag and put it over his head (thanks, Andrew!).

I went to the outlet mall yesterday to find a bag that I had seen a couple of weeks ago. It was a little too pricey at the time, so I thought I'd go back and see if it had been discounted any further. I ended up finding two bags that I desperately wanted. One was the style that I had returned for and the other was a bag that would have been perfect for work. It had plenty of room for my planner, bottle of H-E-B water, notebooks and other work accessories. It was gray and black with the Coach signature C's. I loved it! However, in order to purchase both bags I would have had to put them on my credit card...the credit card that I am trying to pay off. The purchase would have been exactly the amount of one months payment on the card, guilt flooded my body. It wasn't until I made it all the way through the line for the cashier that I decided not to get the bag for work.

Walking around the store, struggling with my decision I had convinced myself that the confidence I got from carrying the bag was worth the additional months payment.I love the confidence that I get from carrying my Coach bags, I hold my head a little higher and I walk with a bit more swagger. It is great! However, by the time it was my turn to pay I realized that I should not get my confidence from a bag with a bunch of little c's on it, but from the big C that has my heart...Christ. Confidence should come from the love that I receive from God and not from something that society has deemed valuable. I should hold my head higher because I know that I get to spend eternity with a King and not from something that can be easy destroyed or taken from me (Matthew 6:19-21).

As I was in line, I was also reflecting on a message that I heard in church a few months ago. JP spoke on James (which is my favorite book) and even used Coach in his example. He was illustrating sin, desire and temptation. His example was about walking by a store (Coach) seeing something that you wanted, knowing you can't afford it but rationalizing the cost anyway. That is exactly what I was doing. The scripture goes on to state that God does not tempt (James 1:13) and that desire gives birth to sin and death (1:14-15). Although God does not tempt, he does test His children. He wants us to grow and mature so that our behavior will change. I have been trying to achieve more control over my financial situation and charging this purchase would have been my old behavior. I realized that this would not please God and I walked away. The reward and confidence that I get from God is far better that the feeling I get from a man made bag. Charging both bags would have been falling to temptation and desire. God's will is that I submit to Him and not to temptation (again, thanks to JP and his message last Sunday).

I realize that I still have a long way to go in my desire to be more like Christ and ridding myself of all the "wants" in my life. However, this was a small victory for me. I overcame my past behavior in order to find fulfillment in God. Jesus paid the greatest price for me already, I don't need a coupon to have a life infused with the kind of confidence that I get from Him. I will walk with a little more swagger because I know I already have everything I need in Him.

Inspiration

This blog was actually inspired by a piece of news that I heard about Taylor Swift on the radio. It seems that she "skin doodles" lyrics on her arms during concerts, a recent one was from a Selena Gomez song, and it read "You've got every right to a beautiful life". I really like that lyric! Who doesn't have a right to a beautiful life?  We have each been given this fabulous opportunity to have a tomorrow, why not make it beautiful? Now, there is some inspiration for you!

Taylor garners much of her inspiration from her real life experiences and the art of the world surrounding her. Where do you find your inspiration?

My inspiration is often collected in the form of quotes and scripture. I have a blank journal where I keep tabs of all the gems that I find, or that people say. I've quoted tv shows, songs, witty remarks from friends, and the Bible. Its weird how a random assortment of words can have an impact on me and how I live my life. I'm sure that Thoreau had no idea that he was going to have an impact on someone's life almost 150 years after his death. I will also be the first to admit that I have turned to Taylor Swift songs in an effort to banish a broken heart.

I also find inspiration in the people around me. I have been blessed to cultivate a career in a helping/serving profession. I come in contact with a wide variety of college students on a daily basis that teach me a great deal about who I am and who I can be. I am inspired by their struggles, their epiphanies, and their energy for life. They make me want to read more, ask myself the hard questions and to simply have fun.  Each of these kids make me want to do my job a little bit better and become a better person so that I can help them (and myself) navigate the road ahead.

Merriam-Webster defines inspiration as a power that can move the intellect or emotions. Have you been moved lately? My hope is that everyone finds inspiration somewhere. I know that on some days it is harder to come by than others. It is not unusual to see post-it notes or pieces of paper spouting quotes in mine or my co-workers office, we like to have daily reminders of why we do what we do and have become who we are. Take a minute and think about what brings you inspiration and surround yourself with it, you might be surprised with what it motivates you to do! 

Stage 5

During a recent conversation with friends I was labeled as "clingy" when it comes to relationships. I never thought I was until this fact hit me square in the face and I began to think of my behavior in past relationships. I will be the first to admit that I have made some questionable decisions when it comes to guys and been in some unhealthy "relationships" (if that's what you want to call them) and I can see where my behavior stemmed from. I'm not proud of the decisions that I made but now that I see the error in my ways, all I can do is move on from there.

I realize that my clingyness comes from a lack of trust. I put myself in several situations where I was the backup plan for the guy, essentially I was the other woman. I often spent my time wondering if the man of the moment was spending time with the person he truly cared about and what they were doing together. I knew that if I hadn't heard from him that he was with her. I didn't trust these guys and because of this I constantly wanted to know about their whereabouts and what they were doing. I was becoming more and more clingy in my efforts to establish a real relationship.

I've also realized that I am guilty of creating instant relationships with guys that I am interested in; by date number two, I already have us married and with two kids. Whoa, Nellie! I need to put the brakes on this situation fast! I am quickly approaching stage 5 clinger territory. I have got to slow down and learn to appreciate the process. I'm sure I have just scared off any potential single guy that may be reading this! I know that in order to fix this, I have to let go of the hurt and the pain I am carrying around from all my bad relationship decisions. I have to have faith and patience that God is going to bring me through this and bless me with someone that I will be able to trust.

All that I can do now is learn from the past and break the cycle. There is no need to dwell on all the things I did wrong, but to take what I can from each experience and move on. I know that I have the strength to do this, because God has given it to me. He is my strength and everyday I am becoming more of the person He intended me to be.