What I really, really want...

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it" (Mark 8:34-35)

Hello, my name is Ashley and I struggle with self-discipline.  Well, maybe "struggle" is an understatement, I have no self-discipline. I do what I want when I want. I am much like Paul, I do what I shouldn't when I know what I should do (Romans 7:15). My alarm is set for 6:00 am to get up, work-out, have my quiet time and get ready for work. I'm never up before 7:45. I've tried setting my alarm to my favorite song, I've tried setting my alarm to my favorite worship song, I've tried using the alarm clock on my bookshelf. Nothing seems to help. 

I'm a diabetic and have the biggest sweet tooth (I know, right!), especially when it come to breakfast foods. On the weekends I splurge and eat a sugary treat for breakfast. I've tried memorizing Romans 12:1 as a reminder to use my body as a living sacrifice and not eat such bad for me foods...hasn't really worked out for me. I'm saving for school but have been justifying shopping so that I can stock up on clothes now because I won't be able to afford anything new once my income declines. What I want, when I want it. 

Mark 8:34-35 really spoke to me this morning, the phrase that caught my attention was "...he must deny himself...". This is one thing that I certainly do not do! I want a new dress, I buy it. I want pancakes, I eat them. There is a common theme among all of this...want, want, want. What do I really need? I need to deny myself and not give in to the temptation of these desires. Yes, these things may seem small and trivial, but if this behavior is keeping me from growing in my relationship with Christ then I need to stop buying dresses and eating pancakes.Shopping and eating may not be sins in and of themselves, but if these tasks are fulfilling emotional needs, it is worth finding the root of where this desires come from. I don't want to be like the rich man in Matthew 19 that didn't want to sell his belongs to follow Jesus. I want to forgo my desires and live for Him. 

Self-discipline is about holding your self accountable and making decisions about a healthy lifestyle. I need these skills, not just for me but as a way to follow Christ and grow in Him. I must deny myself in order to be like Him. He must become more and I must become less (John 3:30). This world is not about me and what I want, it's about serving Him and furthering the kingdom. Here's to incorporating more self-discipline in my life! Where do you stand?

A Sea of Pretty Faces

There are hundreds of pretty girls that go to The Porch* on Tuesday nights. I wish the "hundreds" was an exaggeration but it's not. An estimated 2,500 people go into the worship center at Watermark to hang on JP's every word on a weekly basis. I'm a big fan of The Porch, I love the music (that's my jam!), the messages and I am currently going through the class to be able to serve. It's a pretty great way to spend your Tuesday night.

Back to my first statement, pretty girls abound there. Everywhere you turn there is another girl with perfectly styled hair, the latest trends and expertly done make-up. You really can't escape it. I try my hardest to fit in, but I always seem to miss the mark; either humidity has made some of my hair awkwardly curly, or my make-up has worn off during the day or I'm not sporting the latest trends (skinny jeans are not made for girls with hips!). To be completely honest, when I go shopping I often find myself asking..."would I wear this to The Porch?". If the answer is no, it goes back on the rack. Now, you don't have to tell me that I am totally missing the point of going to church on Tuesday night if this is where my mind is. I'm right there with you.

I have made no secret of my body image issues. I live in the land of comparison and berate myself for the pounds I've put on over three years. I'm consumed with thoughts on how I don't measure up simply because my measurements aren't the ideal 36-24-36 (and yes, for those who know me well, I am now singing Baby Got Back in my head!). I am shameful in who I am and try to hide in my clothes. The good news is, is that God is transforming my heart and mind (Romans 12:2). It is a slow process but I feel that I am making some strides.

I don't think that the perfect hair, latest trends and expert make-up come easily to most girls at The Porch. My personal opinion is that most of them strive to reach this society made expectation and it ultimately hurts God's heart. I strive just to stay in the race. The pack is up ahead and I just want to reach them. It's not going to happen, because that's just not who I am. The underside of my hair will always have a curl to it, I still can't figure out how to wear eyeliner on the bottom of my eyes and I'd rather be in an Audrey Hepburn inspired dress than a super trendy outfit from a pricy boutique. However, none of these things are important. Beauty comes to those who have a heart at rest that is full of faith, hope and love.

I not only hurt myself when I tear myself down, but I hurt my Creator. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in his image. First Peter 3:3-4 tells me that my beauty is not in outward adornment but in a gentle and quiet spirit. Beauty comes from who I am and how I love and serve God. I must quit striving and seek him, for his love will quiet my soul (Zeph 3:17). Popping pills, drinking smoothies that taste like grass and counting calories aren't going to bring me any relief from my negative image, only God can do that. There is a clear difference in living a healthy lifestyle and giving in to the latest fad. I don't want to be a slave to food labels or trends, I want to be a slave to him. Is my priority maintaining weight, burning calories, meeting the requirements of the food pyramid or using my body as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1)?

My goal isn't to be just another pretty girl at The Porch. My goal is to be at rest, to reveal a beauty that is found in my soul and not based on my size or my fashion choice. Outward beauty is fleeting (Proverbs 31:30) and happiness can not be based on that, happiness is fleeting. Only eternal joy that is found in Christ can sustain a person's heart and soul. Are you chasing happiness or seeking eternal joy?

*The Porch is the Young Adults service at Watermark Community Church on Tuesday from 7-8:30. It is amazing! If you are interested in attending, let me know!!

Hurry up and wait...

I love it when God speaks to me!! I sat down with my bible for quiet time and before I opened His word I asked him to reveal to me what he wanted me to know. I have been a hot mess lately all because I have been working off of my own timeline and in the vain of being completely authentic...I've been mad at God. I've been desperately trying to figure out the answers to several questions and trying to understand the current predicament that I am in, knowing full well that I am not going to get those answers or gain that understanding (Proverbs 3:5).

I opened my bible to where I had left off, I was following along with The Journey and was reading about Noah. I was in the part where the rain had stopped but Noah was unsure if the ground was there. He kept sending out birds to figure out if it was time to leave the ark. He sent out a raven, and waited...sent out a dove and waited...sent out another dove and waited...that's when I had my "aha moment", there is a whole lotta waiting in the bible! This is a consistent theme through His word! I know I have mentioned in several posts that I am the worst waiter in the world. I hate to wait. Why can't things just happen? I mean, I'm on a timeline, here people, I don't have all day. However, it is helpful to know that I am not the only person who has ever been plagued by the disease of waiting.  

"Poor, poor, Joseph, whatcha gonna do?". What would be worse than your own flesh and blood selling you off into slavery? I know Allison (my big sister) tried to convince me that I was adopted when I was younger but at least she never tried to sell me (or I hope not!). Joseph in deed had it rough. He had all these amazing dreams, so he knew something was in store for him, but had to bide time in jail because of pesky Potiphar's wife. He had a lot of time on his hands to wait...

Sarah wanted nothing more than to have children. God even promised her she would! Today it is still an emotional roller-coaster for women who are trying to conceive, and even worse for those who are unable to. Sarah wanted nothing more than to bless Abraham with a family of his own. She even went far enough to send in her servant to lay with Abraham, clearly that was not one of her best decisions, but her dreams and wants outweighed her faith in God's timing.

For those of you that know me really well, you know that I have this silly giggle that I do when I am super excited about something. It is not like my normal laugh but indeed a giggle! Well, I know without a doubt that when I get to heaven, that giggle is going to ensue like crazy!! I know I will be humbled before Jesus and our heavenly father, but when I get to meet Paul, there is no holding back!! I kinda see him as a celebrity. His love for Jesus was so consuming that the persecution he endured was nothing to him. He used his time wisely while he was waiting on his freedom, he sent others out to spread the good word and wrote letters encouraging other followers to maintain their love and devotion to Christ.

This blog has the potential to be the longest I've ever written. I could continue to detail the stories of the chosen people who had to wait (David, Moses, Mary and Martha, etc.) but I won't. The moral of the story is once again...its not about me. Jesus didn't heal Lazarus when he was sick, but raised him from the dead because that action glorified God the most. I realize now that I have been dwelling on all the wrong questions these past few days. Questions that centered on me and not on Him. I know that He has His best in store for me and I will have to wait until He is ready to present it to me. It is for His glory and happiness, not mine.

P.S. Please remind me to re-read this when things don't work out my way!

Song of Songs

Sometimes when I am having a bad day or need some extra encouragement I will sit down with my Bible and ask God to show me words that will encourage my heart. Then I randomly open my Bible and read a few pages, trying to figure out what God is trying to tell me. Tonight was no different...

I've been struggling with some of my insecurities lately. My heart has been hurt and today I was just a little down. Satan was definitely wagging war on me and I was filled with self-doubt and anxiety. All day I felt like I was asking God "why?" and not getting an answer. My head was full of the typical lies women buy in to regarding their looks, weight, style and beauty. This was all because I didn't feel wanted or worthy.

How easily I forget that I am the object of God's affection!! I grabbed by Bible and sat down on the couch and bowed my head in prayer, asking God to reveal something in His word that would encourage me and strengthen my heart. He led me to Song of Songs. My first reminder was that I am His beloved. He loves me like no one else does or ever will. Yes, I want an earthly husband to love and cherish me but I know that won't provide fulfillment. The only love that can do that is from my heavenly father. He has brought joy and reassurance to my heart tonight.

The verse that stood out to me was Song of Songs 3:8 "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires". Another reminder for me to  be patient and wait on God's timing when it comes to my love life. I certainly want to be the excellent wife described in Proverbs 31:10-31 and I know developing that type of character and those characteristics takes time. I am a work in progress and so is my future husband. My waiting is only drawing me closer to God and making me more Christ-like. I need to make more of an effort to remember that and not let the lies that loneliness brings suffocate my heart.

 

Corrupt

My mind has been corrupted by romantic comedies. I mean, what woman doesn't want to be swept away on a horse or yacht or limo? What woman doesn't want a man to scale a fire escape to rescue her? What woman doesn't want to dance with her man in the rain? What woman doesn't want to be awakened by a kiss from her prince? What women doesn't want a man to plot to meet her in a park and reveal his identify and love for her? Well, just because you want it, doesn't mean its gonna happen.

I am going out on a huge limb here...there is a guy that I am interested in. I would definitely like to spend more time with him and get to know him better. I am fairly certain that he knows I'm interested and I think he might be too, but I'm just not sure. I really can't tell if he is or isn't interested. In the secular world, I would be texting like crazy, totally relying on my emotions and progressing way too fast. Now that I want to date biblically, I have to sit back and wait. Wait for him to ask me out, wait for him to let me know he is interested, wait for him to initiate. Have I mentioned that I'm  not really good at waiting? Meanwhile, my mind is playing tricks on me. Not hearing from him has me wondering if he is interested, maybe he just isn't that into me (thank you, romantic comedy #6,789). My friends tell me he will ask me out when he is ready, meanwhile...yap, you guessed it...I get to wait. I'm really, really bad at that.

I had an epiphany regarding why I might be so bad at waiting...I have expectations that I want this boy to meet. I want him to think about me, I want him to text me, I want him to ask me out, I want him to hold my hand. This is totally unfair to him. How is he supposed to know all of this? Until he decides (hopefully!) to intentional pursue me, I can't have any expectations. Having expectations will only lead to frustration and disappointment. There is no reason for me to believe that he knows any of my "wants" or expectations. I want the fantasy of a romantic comedy and that just doesn't happen in real life. I may not get the romantic comedy that I want, but I know I will get the love story I deserve from God. His authorship is better than high paid writers crafting a box office hit. He has also already given me the most romantic story ever through His word.

So, I'm going to wait and see what happens. I'm going to leave my expectations at the door and just have fun. There is no point in me dwelling on what isn't happening, I am going to focus on what is! God is going to give me nothing but His best and I am pretty pumped about that!

My Non-resolution Resolution

A few years ago a friend introduced me to The One Word Project, the goal is to not make a resolution for the new year, but to choose one word and make it your theme. My first word was "intentional" and I've actually hung onto it for the last two years, this year I am changing it to "challenge". I want to challenge myself in several different areas of my life. I feel like I have just been getting by lately and I want to go above and beyond and make myself a better person.

The first area that I am going to concentrate on is developing spirituality. This past Sunday, Blake Holmes spoke at Watermark about developing as a Christian and the need for continual growth. He told a story about his daughter learning to ski on the bunny slope and how eventually she will make her way to green and blue trails. The same is true with spiritual maturity, you don't want to stay on the bunny slope forever, you want to be closer to God, learn more about the word and continue to become more like Christ, essentially you want to move past the bunny slope. You have to set goals for yourself in order to grow and mature to achieve life transformation. Blake notes that growth and maturity are not achieved by checking items off a list (memorizing scripture, reading books, etc.) but is achieved through a change in your heart. My goal is to be more diligent with my quiet times, focus on prayer and mediation and continue to serve within the Singles Watermark Community ministry (as a CG leader as well as an existing-leader coach). I will use these as tools to continue to grow in my relationship with Christ. Here is the link if you want to listen to Blake's message: http://www.watermark.org/media/.

The second area that I am going to focus on is my health. I don't want to drop a bomb on anyone, but...I'm diabetic! I know, right!! :) To be completely honest, sometimes I forget. I have gotten so used to it, that it has become second nature for me. I eat what I want when I want and workout only when I can pry myself out of bed. This needs to change. Two years ago, I spent a week in ICU because my insulin pump malfunctioned. It was then that I realized that I am not like everyone else, I have a chronic illness that makes my life different. I need to be more aware of what I am putting into my body and how certain foods effect me. I also get regular migraines and my beautiful friend Meera, sent me a blurb from an article stating that gluten can have an effect on the sensitivity and duration of migraines. Bye, bye gluten! I probably won't go 100% gluten-free but am definitely going to try to avoid it when I can. This is going to be a huge challenge, but it will have a profound impact on my life if I can make it work. oh, yeah and I guess I can exercise more. :)

I am also going to challenge myself to stick to my budget and continue to save for seminary, to be intentional with the relationships I build with others, and to look for opportunities to serve and encourage where I can.

I have a feeling that something big is going to happen this year. My life will ultimately change for the better. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me!

We got to pray just to make it today!

Yesterday was quite possibly the worst day ever. For those of you who have never had a migraine, I hope you never do. For those of you who have had a migraine, I know that you feel my pain...literally. All I could do yesterday was lay down with my eyes closed. I went back and forth between my bed and couch, desperately trying to get comfortable. I couldn't watch tv, read or listen to music, all were to much of a sensory overload.I was utterly miserable.

I spent 16 hours alternating between sleep and tossing and turning. I would lay with my eyes closed and would wait for sleep to wash over me. During the periods when I was awake, I would pray. My eyes were closed and I was in His presence and at some point would drift back off to sleep. I'm pretty sure I spent more time with God yesterday than probably all week. I prayed for my friends and the hope of blossoming relationships, I prayed for the welfare of my family, I thanked and praised God for all that He is, and I prayed for the families touched by the recent shooting tragedy. In my physical pain I found myself retreating to Him. If at some point you crossed my mind yesterday, you were prayed for. I prayed for my staff and their finals, I prayed for friends that are far away, I prayed for those that I see frequently...

I also prayed for myself.. I prayed for a closer relationship with Him, a place to live and a job come May, patience...lots of patience, that I would serve as a light to those around me, and that I would feel better in the morning! My prayers were like a conversation with a friend. There were no formalities, just a simple conversation. At times I was quiet and listened for His response and He would direct my thoughts or remind me of scripture. I realized I need to spend more time like this, more time in conversation with Him. Not time simply presenting requests or rattling off a laundry list of wants or needs, but time letting my heart speak and taking time to listen to His response.

P.S. For everyone who got the McHammer reference, you rock!!