Love and Kindness

It has been a very long day! My alarm went off at 5am so that I could serve as a RUO (Responsible University Official) for a volunteer event. My group went to the International Museum of Culture, where I cleaned all the glass casing for the exhibits. The Director and her staff were very thankful for our time and energy, we accomplished all the tasks that they rarely have time for. We did good!

This evening I decided to finally go and purchase the few remaining pieces I needed to transform my full size bed into a queen size. I needed a bedskirt and wooden slats to reinforce the frame. I arrived at the lumber aisle of Home Depot and I must have looked completely out of place because an older gentlemen asked if I needed help with something. After explaining what I was looking for he told me I was looking at the wrong wood and instructed me on what to purchase and how many stats I would need. I left the store with exactly what I needed. I was saved by the friendliness of a stranger.

I get home and finally get my bed a part and reassembled to the dimensions of a queen...or so I thought. Turns out that I had currently calculated the width of the new bed, but failed to consider the length. Here I was with a brand new box spring, a free mattress and all the bedding for a queen but not the right bed frame. Fail. I quickly jump on the internet to start pricing bed rails and realize that I need a certain kind since I have the headboard and footboard. Fail times 2. I make a made dash to a furniture store that is open until 9 (whew!) in search of the much needed rails. I can get the rails at the store, it will only take 2 weeks for them to get here, I think back to my bedroom that is a huge mess thanks to my new and old mattress sets. Fail times 3. Then the sales associate asks if she can give me some advice, certainly! Although, it meant losing a sale she tells me to go to a mattress store that will undoubtedly have what I need. Score! Thanks to her kindness I will be able to pick up my new bed frame tomorrow!

I could not be more thankful for the kindness of two perfect strangers today. One helped me avoid picking out the wrong wood for my bed and the other saved the day by telling me to make a purchase that wasn't from her store. Neither person had anything to gain from offering words of wisdom or taking the time to point me in the right direction but they did anyway. How often do you take the time to for a random act of kindness?

John 13:35, Jesus tells us to love one another as He has loved us; 1 John 4:19 says we love because He first loved us; 1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that love is patient and kind. Love isn't always the weak in the knees, fireworks going off, butterflies in the stomach feeling but it is a glow that surrounds you when you reach out to those around you. We are instructed to show love to everyone that crosses our path, regardless if they have shown it to us or not. This is what makes people stand out, this is what makes people genuine. Our society constantly places personal needs and desires above anything else, when was the last time you put someone's needs above your own...and not for the returned favor or the ceremonially pat on the back, but because you simply felt moved to make a difference? God wants us to embrace each individual that comes into our lives and to show them love and kindness. I think the Beatles may have had a good grasp on this topic...all you need is love! 

Somewhere Out There

Against my better judgment, I am watching "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC. For those of you who aren't familiar with the show, women trek from all over the country to a particular boutique to try on wedding dresses. Sometimes it is an utter train wreck with girls trying on dresses that our outside their budget or family members picking a part the dream dress; other times you get wrapped up in the love story and get so excited when someone says "yes" to the dress!

I usually try to stay away from this show because it tugs at my heart. God made us to be relational, we seek out relationships with others to fulfill certain needs. My heart longs to meet the man I am going to marry. In the past I have sought out relationships to fill a void in my life, I always thought that once I was in a serious relationships that all my problems would magically melt away. I couldn't have been more wrong! My problems will only become more manageable once I am in an intimate relationship with God and am able to turn to Him for help.

During the past six months my attitudes have changed tremendously when it has come to seeking a relationship with a man. I now know that a relationship isn't about filling a void but sharing a life with someone and for the first time I have faith that God has someone in store for me, he is somewhere out there. He could be someone I already know or a complete stranger, but I know he is there.  I used to be hopeless and wonder if a relationship was even possible and now I know it is! I am genuinely excited about what the future holds. My task now is to learn what it means to be in a relationship with someone. I know how to be single but I must learn what it means to be part of something bigger. I've also realized that I don't know how to be courted. I'm so used to playing an active role in pursuing someone that I don't know how to sit back and let it happen to me. God will teach me these lessons over time as He prepares me. I've always said that I want to be with a godly man, and a godly man deserves a godly woman.

I once thought that I had found the man I was going to marry, but then he broke my heart. It took me a very long time to get over him and looking back on that relationship I am embarrassed that I jumped in so quickly. I am very thankful that God ended that story in my life. If He hadn't I wouldn't have meet some of my best friends, become active in church or come to rely on Him more. I believe that I am a far better person today than I was year ago. My faith has grown in leaps and bounds and I can find my significance in Him instead of what I own or what others think about me. I'm in a much better place than I ever could of dreamed of.

I'm excited to see what each new day brings. I know that I am still going to have days when I am sad and lonely but those days will be easier to handle with God beside me. He has great things in store for me and I can't wait to watch everything unfold!

Squirming

Posey does not like having her eyes/faced cleaned. She squirms and tries so hard to release her head from my grip as I clean away her eye boogers and get hair out of her eyes. She doesn't understand what I am doing and fights me the entire time. Eventually I give up and let her run away from me and hide under the bed until she has forgotten what I did to her. This morning I heard myself tell her that I know this may hurt a little but I am doing it for her own good. I wonder if God tells himself that when we are in pain?

I am simply trying to take care of Posey by cleaning her face. I know that she cannot do it on her own and needs me there to clip her hair and wipe away the gunk that has collected in the corner of her eyes, she also hates baths but that is a whole other story! If I can get her to sit still long enough for me to finish the process I know she appreciates the clear vision, although she will withhold giving me attention until she forgets about the incident. Later she will crawl back into my lap and want me to love on her, all is forgiven. I wish she knew that it was for her own good.

I can't help but wonder if God is thinking something similar when He is trying to clean away all the bad things from our eyes. We don't always understand how things turn out in life, like why we didn't get that job, why someone close to us was diagnosed with an illness, why we are having relationship problems...we just don't get it. However, when it comes down to it we don't need to understand if we trust God. There is pain in our lives so that we will turn to God and so that we will develop perseverance and patience. It may hurt for a little while but God has a plan for us and we will be successful in His time and not ours; that totally makes sense when you read it but reconciling it in your heart can sometimes be the difficult part.

To be completely honest, I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. The life that I dreamed of isn't the one that I am living. I am ready to put roots down somewhere but I feel like I am still in a state of transition. I don't know where I will be in the next year and I do not like that feeling. I need to trust God more and to realize that what He is doing is for my own good. I may squirm and fight to get out of His grasp but He knows that what He is doing is best for me and He is not going to let go. I need to stop fighting God and trying to control my life in order to live the life that He has planned for me. Just like Posey needs to trust me that I am taking care of her, I need to trust God because he is taking care of me.

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3

All my friends know that I love Coach purses! It is the one brand that I am absolutely devoted to. My current collection hangs on a wall in my spare bedroom like artwork! Although I do love this brand, I refuse to pay retail. All of my purchases have been made at an outlet...with a coupon! My favorite deal was on a large (ok, very large) bag that I paid a fraction of the cost for. I use it for weekend travel, group outings or anytime that I need to tote around a bunch of stuff. One staff member even claimed that he could live in the bag and put it over his head (thanks, Andrew!).

I went to the outlet mall yesterday to find a bag that I had seen a couple of weeks ago. It was a little too pricey at the time, so I thought I'd go back and see if it had been discounted any further. I ended up finding two bags that I desperately wanted. One was the style that I had returned for and the other was a bag that would have been perfect for work. It had plenty of room for my planner, bottle of H-E-B water, notebooks and other work accessories. It was gray and black with the Coach signature C's. I loved it! However, in order to purchase both bags I would have had to put them on my credit card...the credit card that I am trying to pay off. The purchase would have been exactly the amount of one months payment on the card, guilt flooded my body. It wasn't until I made it all the way through the line for the cashier that I decided not to get the bag for work.

Walking around the store, struggling with my decision I had convinced myself that the confidence I got from carrying the bag was worth the additional months payment.I love the confidence that I get from carrying my Coach bags, I hold my head a little higher and I walk with a bit more swagger. It is great! However, by the time it was my turn to pay I realized that I should not get my confidence from a bag with a bunch of little c's on it, but from the big C that has my heart...Christ. Confidence should come from the love that I receive from God and not from something that society has deemed valuable. I should hold my head higher because I know that I get to spend eternity with a King and not from something that can be easy destroyed or taken from me (Matthew 6:19-21).

As I was in line, I was also reflecting on a message that I heard in church a few months ago. JP spoke on James (which is my favorite book) and even used Coach in his example. He was illustrating sin, desire and temptation. His example was about walking by a store (Coach) seeing something that you wanted, knowing you can't afford it but rationalizing the cost anyway. That is exactly what I was doing. The scripture goes on to state that God does not tempt (James 1:13) and that desire gives birth to sin and death (1:14-15). Although God does not tempt, he does test His children. He wants us to grow and mature so that our behavior will change. I have been trying to achieve more control over my financial situation and charging this purchase would have been my old behavior. I realized that this would not please God and I walked away. The reward and confidence that I get from God is far better that the feeling I get from a man made bag. Charging both bags would have been falling to temptation and desire. God's will is that I submit to Him and not to temptation (again, thanks to JP and his message last Sunday).

I realize that I still have a long way to go in my desire to be more like Christ and ridding myself of all the "wants" in my life. However, this was a small victory for me. I overcame my past behavior in order to find fulfillment in God. Jesus paid the greatest price for me already, I don't need a coupon to have a life infused with the kind of confidence that I get from Him. I will walk with a little more swagger because I know I already have everything I need in Him.

Inspiration

This blog was actually inspired by a piece of news that I heard about Taylor Swift on the radio. It seems that she "skin doodles" lyrics on her arms during concerts, a recent one was from a Selena Gomez song, and it read "You've got every right to a beautiful life". I really like that lyric! Who doesn't have a right to a beautiful life?  We have each been given this fabulous opportunity to have a tomorrow, why not make it beautiful? Now, there is some inspiration for you!

Taylor garners much of her inspiration from her real life experiences and the art of the world surrounding her. Where do you find your inspiration?

My inspiration is often collected in the form of quotes and scripture. I have a blank journal where I keep tabs of all the gems that I find, or that people say. I've quoted tv shows, songs, witty remarks from friends, and the Bible. Its weird how a random assortment of words can have an impact on me and how I live my life. I'm sure that Thoreau had no idea that he was going to have an impact on someone's life almost 150 years after his death. I will also be the first to admit that I have turned to Taylor Swift songs in an effort to banish a broken heart.

I also find inspiration in the people around me. I have been blessed to cultivate a career in a helping/serving profession. I come in contact with a wide variety of college students on a daily basis that teach me a great deal about who I am and who I can be. I am inspired by their struggles, their epiphanies, and their energy for life. They make me want to read more, ask myself the hard questions and to simply have fun.  Each of these kids make me want to do my job a little bit better and become a better person so that I can help them (and myself) navigate the road ahead.

Merriam-Webster defines inspiration as a power that can move the intellect or emotions. Have you been moved lately? My hope is that everyone finds inspiration somewhere. I know that on some days it is harder to come by than others. It is not unusual to see post-it notes or pieces of paper spouting quotes in mine or my co-workers office, we like to have daily reminders of why we do what we do and have become who we are. Take a minute and think about what brings you inspiration and surround yourself with it, you might be surprised with what it motivates you to do! 

Stage 5

During a recent conversation with friends I was labeled as "clingy" when it comes to relationships. I never thought I was until this fact hit me square in the face and I began to think of my behavior in past relationships. I will be the first to admit that I have made some questionable decisions when it comes to guys and been in some unhealthy "relationships" (if that's what you want to call them) and I can see where my behavior stemmed from. I'm not proud of the decisions that I made but now that I see the error in my ways, all I can do is move on from there.

I realize that my clingyness comes from a lack of trust. I put myself in several situations where I was the backup plan for the guy, essentially I was the other woman. I often spent my time wondering if the man of the moment was spending time with the person he truly cared about and what they were doing together. I knew that if I hadn't heard from him that he was with her. I didn't trust these guys and because of this I constantly wanted to know about their whereabouts and what they were doing. I was becoming more and more clingy in my efforts to establish a real relationship.

I've also realized that I am guilty of creating instant relationships with guys that I am interested in; by date number two, I already have us married and with two kids. Whoa, Nellie! I need to put the brakes on this situation fast! I am quickly approaching stage 5 clinger territory. I have got to slow down and learn to appreciate the process. I'm sure I have just scared off any potential single guy that may be reading this! I know that in order to fix this, I have to let go of the hurt and the pain I am carrying around from all my bad relationship decisions. I have to have faith and patience that God is going to bring me through this and bless me with someone that I will be able to trust.

All that I can do now is learn from the past and break the cycle. There is no need to dwell on all the things I did wrong, but to take what I can from each experience and move on. I know that I have the strength to do this, because God has given it to me. He is my strength and everyday I am becoming more of the person He intended me to be.

The Dating Game

I have been wrestling with the decision of whether or not to enter the dating game again. I'm not ready to go back to the internet but I'm not closing myself off to opportunities that may present themselves. I guess I am still holding out hope that I will meet someone the old fashioned way and not through profile pictures, guided communication and "winks". I don't want to spend my time scrolling through pictures or reading about the book someone last read when I can spend that time working on becoming the person I am truly meant to be.

 I told a friend today that I had an epiphany of sorts, that I have been trying to fill a void by dating someone. I assumed that once I met Mr. Right that my life will magically be complete...that's not how it works. I need to be complete before I can offer myself to someone else. The loneliness that I feel isn't going to disappear with the presence of a guy, that's only going to go away with patience and healing from God.

Right now I kind of feel like I am a puzzle, I've put the edges and corners together but I am still missing the majority of the pieces in the middle. I know that I have what I need to complete the picture, I just have to devote time to getting everything in the right spot. I have to have faith that everything will come into focus as I allow God to guide my hand to the next piece of the puzzle.

 

Old Habits...

I'm learning that old habits die hard, and I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I had this great new life plan and here I am teetering on the edge of bad decisions. I've actually done really well in not making any downright horrible decisions but there are those few moments when the devil on my shoulder is making perfect sense, and I am tempted to sway in a not so favorable direction, especially when it comes to members of the opposite sex. 

I currently have a devil on my shoulder that will not go away! I keep flicking him off but somehow he seems to find his way right back to that cozy little spot where he can whisper in my ear. My resolve is getting weaker and I think that he knows that. I need the strength not to act on the ideas that are circulating in my head. I think The Fray said it best with "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same". It is so easy to make a bad decision, it's the good decisions that take the most work.

I am faced with a situation in where I know what I should do and what I want to do. I want the easy way out. I want to make the bad decision and then pick up the pieces later. However, I know the hurt and the pain that I will feel after the situation is said and done, won't be worth it. I need to stick to my guns and continue on the path that I am on. But, of course, I keep telling myself that this time things could be different, that they could end up in my favor. Realistically, I know they won't. I'll be left watching P.S. I Love You and crying my way through a box of Kleenex.

I'm going to ride this out and hopefully will land safely on the other side. I've been praying about it and have a feeling the worst will be over soon. My mother says that I have matured in the last year (ok, stop laughing!) and I think I have. Maybe you do actually get wiser with age or maybe I realize that my actions have consequences...whatever it is, I'm happy with it. I just need to muster up the strength to kick this old habit and get rid of the devil that is perched on my shoulder.

Peace

I'm watching the Royal Wedding (please don't judge me!) and someone important just spoke about being at peace. This is something I have been thinking about alot lately...

As a Christian, I should put all my trust in Him and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs) but is that completely possible? The entire point of my blog and shifting my focus is to let God work in my life without me meddling too much but I still want to control some areas, i.e. my love life. Here I am, watching the Royal Wedding and half of my heart is thrilled that two people get to be part of such an exciting experience and the other half is darkened with the hurt and pain of still being single. I instantly begin to think of what I need to do in order to find Mr. Right and then I stop myself and realize that in order to have what I truly want (a marriage that is everlasting and built on God) that I have to be patient. God works on His time and not mine. I need to be at peace with this decision.

Coming to peace with a decision is a great undertaking. I must be able to turn all of my concerns and anxiety over to God for Him to be able to fulfill His plan for me. As a human, is that possible? Is peace truly attainable? Do these questions mean that I am lacking Faith? In my head, being at peace means that I will never feel this hurt or pain or want to take control over this area of my life. Is my idea of peace unrealistic?

I don't do well with uncertainty. I hate not knowing what is going on or how something is going to work out. If God could simply send me an angel in my dreams to tell me that I will get married in X number of years, I would greatly appreciate it! I don't think that's asking for too much. If only He worked that way...I will continue to pray for peace and patience, with the faith that one day I will receive it.

Perspective

One of my favorite quotes is from Thoreau, "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." How profound is that!?!?! Perspective is everything! It's kind of one of those glass half full or empty, life gives you lemons kind of a thing. How are you going to see your world? And that's the best part...you get to decide the lens through which you view your life circumstances. Is there a better gift than that? You have the power and the ability to make lemonade or complain that your glass isn't as full as your neighbors.

Today one of my PAs made the comment that his plate is overflowing with school work, med school applications, PA responsibilities and many other things, but he has decided to tackle everything with a positive attitude. To him, there was no point in grumbling about all the tasks he has to complete, but realizing that it will be much easier to conquer the mountainous "to do" list with a positive attitude. Why is it so difficult for the rest of us to follow suit and live life with the same attitude?

My singleness is probably the issue that I struggle with the most. I often times view it as a prison sentence instead of a time to explore and learn about myself. My perception of my current circumstance is totally off! A dear friend advised me that instead of praying to find Mr. Right, that I should focus on being thankful for the life stage that I am in. I am in a phase of my life where I can pick up and do whatever I want to! I can move across the country, take a vacation anywhere I want, splurge on a manicure or have cereal for dinner, all because I want to! I was so focused on the negative aspects of being single that I never stopped to realize that my cup was overflowing with opportunity. I was looking at my life and seeing disappointment but when I shifted my focus all I saw were possibilities. Once I changed my perspective I was able to move ahead and become much more joyful in my approach to life.

My wish for you is that you will take a deeper look into your circumstances and identify areas that you can "see"differently. Thoreau was right, its not what you look at but what you see! A potter doesn't see a mound of clay but a beautiful bowl or a stately statue. How can you change your perspective and find more joy in your life?

Finding Gold!

The other day I read a quote on Twitter that has really made me stop and think. The quote was, "all that glitters is not gold." That has stuck with me over the couple of days as I have thought about what I want in my life. How many times have you seen someone with something that you want and become green with envy? My life story!! I even did it today in church, there was a couple sitting a row in front of me and he had his arm around her shoulder. I thought to myself..."I want that, he must really care for her"; but in reality I have no idea what goes on in their relationship. This could have been his way of being territorial and she could have been cringing by the touch of his hand. I saw something that glittered, but had no idea if it was made of gold. 

Jealousy and envy run rampant in our world. We are constantly comparing what we have and how we look against others who we have no idea what their struggles or identities are. I once told a friend that when I see couples at restaurants I get a little envious because they have what I want. She confided in me that if I would have seen her and her ex-boyfriend together I would have seen a perfect couple on the outside but would never have known the torment that she felt being in a relationship. I saw glitter and perfection but would not have known it wasn't really made of gold. I also do this when I see a girl in a cute outfit or see someone that I think is skinner or prettier than me, but I have no idea what the story is behind the outfit or if the person is dealing with an eating disorder or other body image issue. It is so much easier to assume that everything has come very easily for that other person while we beat ourselves up for our own lack of perfection.

Everyone has their own internal struggles that we will never know about. I may have a wall full of Coach purses (yes, I said wall...I hang them up like artwork, don't judge) but I will be first to tell you that they have all come from the outlet mall and I had a coupon; but when someone sees me carrying one they probably think that I am financially stable and can afford to buy an expensive purse. This is far from the truth, I am horrible at managing money and some months I am strapped for cash and live off of oatmeal for a week People may see the glitter and make assumptions but have no idea that money management is one of my biggest stressors.

The book of James is probably my favorite book of the Bible. There is a particular verse that I am drawn to when I think about gold, glittering and "wanting". James talks about desire giving birth to sin, and that "everything good and perfect gift is from above". This is the Truth! We all have desires and wants and we all see what we perceive to be gold in other people's lives and our jealousy or envy can drive us to make choices that aren't acceptable. For instance, maxing out credit cards, remaining in unstable relationships or coveting what our neighbor has. We must turn to God and ask with unwavering faith (James 1:6) for wisdom and when we do He will bless us! God is the gold that we should be striving for, He is the only perfection we will ever know. Next time you see someone with something you want, stop and say a prayer and be thankful for want you have and where you are in your life and you will start to see all your blessings sparkle and glitter a little more. .

Character

It is no surprise to anyone that I have tried on-line dating a time or two. I've put profiles on match, chemistry and eharmony, I have yet to find Mr. Right or have any kind of considerable luck. Each time I look at my profile and wonder what am I doing wrong. Do I need more pictures? Do I talk about my faith and relationship with God too much? Does my profile paint the right picture of who I truly am? That is the hardest part of on-line dating, describing who you are by answering questions in 200 words or less! How can I define who I really am in 200 words? Better yet, do I know who I really am?

People say that college is the time to find yourself and discover who you really are. Does that mean the day you graduate you all of a sudden have the answers to life's most difficult questions? If so, that is one test that I managed to fail. I'm 30 years old and I am still not sure of who I really am. I know what my morals, ethics and values are but I find it difficult to describe who I am. If you ask me to describe my best friend, I can describe her with much detail, but ask me about myself and I"m not exactly sure what to say. 

There are so many factors that define who we are; the roles that we play, our chosen profession/careers, our friends, our actions, our words, and the list goes on and on. The question that I want to pose is...how intentional are we when we assume our roles, carry out our job descriptions or choose our actions? These decisions are what make us who we are! My eharmony profile says that I love to go two stepping, listen to live music and travel. That's all fine and dandy but those interest do not even begin to define me as a person. Someone once told me that everything I do in a day matters, and that is very true. How I decide to react to an angry parent in the office reveals my character. The words I choose to describe my day or attitude reveals my character. My character is who I am!

Finding yourself and discovering who you are is a life long journey. As I move through my life and learn different lessons, assume new roles, and encounter new challenges I will continue to learn who I am. I urge you to do the same. God will present you with obstacles to overcome and joyous occasions to celebrate that will contribute to your character. My wish for you is that you live each day with intention, don't let a moment slip through your fingers, reveal your character to the world. Acknowledge that this is a never ending process and that the journey is what matters the most!

Spirit of Want

Hello, my name is Ashley and I am a shopaholic! To some of you this is not a surprise at all, you know of my love for cute clothes, trendy accessories and Coach bags. It is truly an addiction that I am trying to shake. The reason I'm trying to set aside my materialistic ways it that I use shopping as a coping mechanism. I take retail therapy to a whole new level. I purchase things to make me feel better. How could a new pink Coach not brighten anyone's day? Shopping is also how I know that I am emotionally in a bad place, the worse I feel the more I shop. I shouldn't turn to Ann Taylor or Tiffany's to make me feel better, I should turn to God.

The first time I read Matthew 6:19-21, my parent's home in Killeen had recently been burglarized. It was shortly after my grandmother had passed away, and it had been a hectic day of moving some of her belongings. My mom didn't even tell me about the burglary until I asked where all my jewelery had gone. I had kept all the pieces that my grandmother had given me over the years in the top drawer of the dresser in my room. She broke down and told me that some kids had gotten in and stolen quite a bit from the house. I was so incredibly mad and frustrated. Someone had taken the only precious things that I had left from my grandmother and most like likely hocked them at a pawn shop. Shortly after this incident I managed to stumble across the verses in Matthew: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart will be also.". My true treasure is my grandmother, and her love for me consumes my heart. No one will ever be able to take that away from me.

My community group is currently reading a book entitled "Calm My Anxious Heart" and the chapter for this week centers on possessions and recognizing that everything is God's. She uses the verse from Matthew to illustrate God's love and what the desires of are hearts should be. She also challenges her readers to stop and ask themselves "Where is my treasure? Where is my heart?" when faced with the decision to purchase something. I am challenging you to do the exact same thing. Learn where you place your focus and desires.

Over the years I have developed a Spirit of Want and not a Spirit of Contentment or Peace and I believe that is the root for many of my personal trials. My "want" now is God, and His love for me is totally free! I need to stop worrying about if my clothes make me look frumpy or if anyone will notice that I wore the same pants twice in one week, I need to worry about showing others love and being a woman of character. I want people to like me for the person I am, not the labels or styles that I wear. I know that I will continue to shop and purchase an occasional Coach (on sale...at the outlet mall), but this is not where I will seek joy from. I will find joy in my relationship with God and being a reflection of Him.  

This will be a topic that I blog about a lot because I am trying to become more content with who I am and what I have, which links itself very well with my budgetary issues. I wasn't kidding when I said I was a big mess! I truly do hope that my words are encouraging some of you to dig deeper into your own lives. I'm trying to tear down my walls and be vulnerable and honest with each post. I want you to share in this journey with me and I love reading the comments that you all post as well. It makes me feel like I'm not out here all alone. Thank you for your support!

Dream a Little Dream

Last night I had a fairly extensive dream with my ex-boyfriend in it and it is continuing to haunt me. I really did think that I had found "The One" when we started dating. We jumped into the deep end very quickly and he was even talking about how we would move in together one day, just a month into our relationship. He broke up with me after four months, but we continued to hang out for awhile until I told  him that I couldn't be just his friend anymore. It was too hard to go out as friends and not want more. I knew that I would continue to make him a priority when he would not make me one. When he ended things he simply told me that he had some issues that he needed to figure out on his own and he never let me know what those issues were.

In the dream, I randomly saw him at a party and had the opportunity to talk to him about why he left me. Of course, now that I am awake I have no recollection of the conversation, my heart just aches with the memory of him. I've also been dreaming about someone else that I was involved with and I miss him too. I know that nothing will ever come of these past relationships but I can't seem to let them go. The weird part of all of this is, is that I never felt like a priority to either person. I wanted to give my life to both of them but they didn't let me. I tried to do everything in my power to please one of them but always seemed to miss the mark. God desperately wants me to give my life to him but I can't seem to give him control. This is a win-win situation but yet I am still hesitant. I am a priority to God and He would give me everything I dreamed of if I could just trust Him. It seems like I trust Him in all areas of my life except those issues concerning love...and that is the most important area.

I've come along way in moving past these relationships and I know with God's help I will continue to be successful. I also hope that I can use my experience to help a dear friend who is struggling with a similar issue. She is beautiful, loving, and caring but has been so deeply hurt that she can't see this anymore. I want God to use me in her life so that we can both learn to trust in Him more.

No Pain, No Gain?!?!?!?

In my attempt to lead a more healthy lifestyle I borrowed Kaytie's copy of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and it just kicked my butt! That woman is intense, but if I can get abs like her's I will muster through the pain. I also didn't realize that people still did jumping jacks for cardio, that wasn't the hard part, the hard part was trying not to kick Posey as she tried to bite my bouncing shoelaces!

Part of my desire to be healthier is of course to be thinner! Thank you society for giving me an unrealistic idea of what true beauty is. I know in my heart that being thinner will not ultimately make me beautiful. One of my favorite scriptures is Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in its time". I don't think that means that we are all walking around as ugly ducklings waiting for the magic wand to turn us into a swan, but it is through maturity and growth that we all recognize our own beauty. It is almost like a paint by number, we fill in one color at a time watching the entire picture come into view; through time and the challenges God has blessed us with, we add color to our lives and see our own picture come into focus.

Often times we simply miss the picture and see only blobs of color, with God's help we can begin to realize how the colors come together to make a masterpiece. I say all of this but right now I feel like a toddler has been working on my paint by number and its a big ol' mess! More important than my appearance I need to work on seeing the beauty in the person that I am. He created me in His image and I should strive not to weigh less but to love others and model the truth in His word. 

I am going to continue to exercise and strive to lose a few pounds, but not because I want to be supermodel thin but because I want to take care of the body that God has given me. I have to start taking better care of myself in order to feel better and have less "bad diabetic days". Jillian Michaels and I will be spending a lot of quality time together! :)

Accountability

This is my first blog ever, and I am hoping that this series will hold me accountable to the new decisions that I plan on making. The girls in my small group bible study have encouraged me to blog, but they don't know that they have! This is probably the one hundredth time in my life that I have decided to make better life choices and I'm hoping that this time it actually works!

Sometimes I feel like the Queen of Bad Decisions and these decisions usually center around the guys that I date or find myself involved with. I've experienced a string of heartbreak and I announced to a friend on Saturday night (after being stood up) that I was done playing the dating game. I sincerely think that God is grabbing by my shoulders and trying to tell me to STOP! focusing on finding Mr. Right and start focusing on Him. Makes sense, huh? I've gone from one breakup to the next and I do think it is God's way of telling me to shift my focus from strengthening my relationship with men to strengthening my relationship with the one who truly loves me unconditionally.

I've come up with a plan on how to do this. There are three areas of my life that I am going to focus on...my relationship with God, budgeting and my health. I want to spend more time with God and living the type of life that He has intended for me. I desperately need to learn how to budget, I'm 30 years ago and need to worry less about the clothes that I wear and more about the amount in my savings account. Finally, after my last hospitalization due to my diabetes, I realized that I do have limitations and I have to start taking way better care of myself.

My goal is to blog about my experience in these three areas. I hope by doing this I will be able to hold myself accountable to these new life changing decisions. I want people to read my blog and ask me how I am doing, and inquire about what steps have I taken to budget or exercise, or even send words of encouragement. This isn't going to be easy and I realize that these aren't just goals to reach, but lifestyle changes. I realize that I am still going to have bad or "ugly" days but I will have to remember to trust in Him and He will help me shift my focus.