Webster's Dictionary defines shame as a painful emotion or a condition of humiliating disgrace. That's pretty heavy and gives you something to think about. I've never really thought much about shame and what it really is. The word is thrown around Christian circles and is often followed closely by the word "guilt". I figured that since I really didn't feel guilty about anything that I didn't shouldn't be shameful.
I'm going through a ministry right now that is forcing me to get to the root problem of my insecurities and body image issues.My group is at the phase where we are trudging through past memories to find out what has caused our current behavior. I was reading a devotional this morning based on shame and realized that this is indeed part of my story and why I focus so much on my clothes and how I look.
I was teased and made fun of from elementary school to college because of my appearance.I had plastic surgery the summer after I graduated with my BA to correct my protruding ears. I lacked the cartilage that naturally creates a fold in the top part of the ear which shapes the ear back towards the head. I was called "dumbo" until high school and people even pointed them out in college. I can vividly remember being at my locker in middle school and having people thump the back of my ears when they walked by. I never wore my hair back and did the best I could to hide them to avoid embarrassment and teasing.
I can remember being made fun of in middle school because my jeans were not the right length and in high school because my skin was too fair. I was regularly called "casper" and that lasted through high school. In seventh grade I had a fake Dooney and Burke and was teased for that as well. I hadn't realized how much I let these incidents haunt me. Today, at the age of 32, I still carry around the hurt and shame that was cultivated so many years ago. I don't feel that I measure up when it comes to my appearance. I don't want to give anyone the opportunity to make fun of me, I had plastic surgery, I use self-tanner, I always make sure my jeans are the appropriate length. I try to stay up-to-date on trends and match what everyone else is wearing. I can't afford brand name labels, so I do my best to make sure I immolate what I can from the stores I shop from.
I'm carrying around this shame and embarrassment because I don't want my past to repeat itself. However, in carrying around these feelings I am creating a gap between me and God. This gap isn't going to get any smaller until I find my identity in Him and it will continue to grow as I focus on who I am on the outside. I need to work through all these painful memories and establish myself in Christ and not jeans and self-tanner. I want to be known and loved for my character and a servants heart and not what I decide to wear. Please pray that I as I move forward I will be able to put these past memories to rest and not be shackled to them anymore. I can and will find freedom in Christ.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Seek HIm First
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all
these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:33)
During the past two days I have helped two of my beautiful friends confront their singleness while I too was struggling with the same issue. One friend was brought to tears over her current state while the other two of us are reeling from hurt and rejection. I believe that God urged these two women to turn to me so that through encouraging them, I could be reminded of His love for me.
I know that everyone (men and women) struggle with the desire to be in an earthly relationship, but the heavenly relationship is paramount to anything we could ever know here. God created us in His image, don't take that as face value and believe that we were simply created to resemble characteristics. The most important fact to focus on is that He created our hearts just like His, to desire love and relationship above all else. He created Adam and Eve to share in the wonders of the garden and be in constant communion with Him. They knew and felt His presence continually and were content with the love that He lavished upon them. Then there was a small incident with an apple, a serpent and a tree. I think we all know what I'm talking about! That one bite created a ripple effect and we still feel the consequences of one bad decision.
A void was created that day in the garden. A void that would forever exists in our hearts. A void that we will try to fill with worldly desires...possessions, addictions, habits and even love. The only one true love that will fill this void is God. I told one friend this morning that we are already living the greatest love story ever (that was straight from the Holy Spirit!). What man (or woman!) today would accept to be nailed to a cross to show how much they loved another person? Bruno Mars thinks he's gonna take a grenade for you, but when it comes down to it, do you think he would? I know that some people how found sacrificial love in their spouses and truly love like Christ loves us, but their hearts aren't full because of their partner, their hearts are full because their first love is Him.
Being in a relationship isn't going to take away your loneliness, make you feel more beautiful (or handsome), or take away your problems. You'll have a whole new set of problems revolving around two people instead of one. My advice is simple, don't seek what you are looking for in a relationship on earth. I know that's a hard pill to swallow and sometimes I forget to take my daily dose. We have been given the desire to have a relationship because we are supposed to have one with Him above all else! Stop and really think WHY you want to have an earthly relationship. Are you looking for validation? Acceptance? A cure? While you may temporarily find these things, they are fleeting. There are some very lonely married people out there.
When you start an earthly relationship founded upon a heavenly relationship you have so many more opportunities to be successful. Think about all the lessons God is teaching us as singles: communication (daily prayer and confession), listening (discerning His words), putting others first (seeking to please him), patience (waiting on his timing), love (serving others and loving Him), perseverance (a continual walk with Him during highs and lows)...I could go on but I think you get the picture. Creating and maintaining a relationship with Him is equipping your heart for all that an earthly relationship is. Seek Him first and you may begin to see that your motivation and desires to be in a relationship change into something new and even better. You'll find everything you need in Him and learn to love how He loves us.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Not Enough
I'm not skinny enough. This has indeed been confirmed. Pretty enough, maybe. Skinny enough, not so much. This time I was told this, it wasn't just a personal thought but something verbalized by another person. I wanted to know if any of my behaviors weren't appealing to the opposite sex, it all came down to insecurity and how I look. Once I slim down I will be more approachable and have a better chance of meeting someone. I've been very open about struggling with body image and not being able to see myself as God created me. I tried to convince myself that my inner dialogue was lies from Satan, but now I'm not sure what to think.
I know all the right scripture...beauty is fleeting, fearfully and wonderfully made, beauty should not come from outward adornment, I am made in His image...but I'm stuck in a world that values what you see, not who you are. I very much want to have a family of my own, but that's unlikely to happen until I drop 20 pounds. My heart is breaking because I want to live a life that depends solely on the word of God but I am forced to succumb to the ideals of the world I am in. I know I am not made for this world and my true place is with my King, but for now I am in a world that has me under its thumb.
Romans 12:1-2 calls us to use our bodies as a holy sacrifice and to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. For me, this is easier said than done. I would like nothing more than to get fit for God, to show him obedience and love by becoming a better me and not relying on the standards of the world.However, he knows that in my heart that my real motivation is to be more attractive and hopefully be approached by someone. I know that this is not pleasing to him. I need freedom from these negative thoughts, a freedom that only he can provide. I'm just not sure how to get there.
I know all the right scripture...beauty is fleeting, fearfully and wonderfully made, beauty should not come from outward adornment, I am made in His image...but I'm stuck in a world that values what you see, not who you are. I very much want to have a family of my own, but that's unlikely to happen until I drop 20 pounds. My heart is breaking because I want to live a life that depends solely on the word of God but I am forced to succumb to the ideals of the world I am in. I know I am not made for this world and my true place is with my King, but for now I am in a world that has me under its thumb.
Romans 12:1-2 calls us to use our bodies as a holy sacrifice and to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. For me, this is easier said than done. I would like nothing more than to get fit for God, to show him obedience and love by becoming a better me and not relying on the standards of the world.However, he knows that in my heart that my real motivation is to be more attractive and hopefully be approached by someone. I know that this is not pleasing to him. I need freedom from these negative thoughts, a freedom that only he can provide. I'm just not sure how to get there.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Lesson Learned
I can truly understand why pride is one of the seven deadly sins. I learned a very important lesson this week and am very thankful. While I wish I could erase the incident in question from my track record, I am glad that I serve a God that is full of grace and disciplines his children.
I had a specific goal in mind that I wanted to reach. I was confident that if I took certain actions that I would make a name for myself and achieve my goal. In my mind I knew what I needed to do and was on the path to get there. Enter God. He quickly put the kibosh on my agenda. I was striving to be known, that people would recognize my name and be impressed with what I had done. Fail. I was putting myself first and not wanting to make God's name known. I made it all about me and God put me back in my place.
Hebrews 12:6 tells us that God disciplines those that he loves. Well, I can sure testify to that! I have been humbled by the current situation that I am in. If God wants me to reach this goal it will happen, and it will be from him (James 1:17). It will not be based on what I did or didn't do. If I reach my goal it will be to bring him glory, not myself. I got so caught up in what I wanted, I forgot to consider what God wanted or what would bring him the greatest glory.
I am eternally grateful for his discipline and forgiveness. I am also thankful that all this went down with people who seek to serve him and practice forgiveness and grace. All I can do now is move on and consider this a lesson learned. I have to remember that he must become greater, and I must become less (John 3:30).
I had a specific goal in mind that I wanted to reach. I was confident that if I took certain actions that I would make a name for myself and achieve my goal. In my mind I knew what I needed to do and was on the path to get there. Enter God. He quickly put the kibosh on my agenda. I was striving to be known, that people would recognize my name and be impressed with what I had done. Fail. I was putting myself first and not wanting to make God's name known. I made it all about me and God put me back in my place.
Hebrews 12:6 tells us that God disciplines those that he loves. Well, I can sure testify to that! I have been humbled by the current situation that I am in. If God wants me to reach this goal it will happen, and it will be from him (James 1:17). It will not be based on what I did or didn't do. If I reach my goal it will be to bring him glory, not myself. I got so caught up in what I wanted, I forgot to consider what God wanted or what would bring him the greatest glory.
I am eternally grateful for his discipline and forgiveness. I am also thankful that all this went down with people who seek to serve him and practice forgiveness and grace. All I can do now is move on and consider this a lesson learned. I have to remember that he must become greater, and I must become less (John 3:30).
Friday, March 15, 2013
What I really, really want...
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny
himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save
his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the
gospel will save it" (Mark 8:34-35)
Hello, my name is Ashley and I struggle with self-discipline. Well, maybe "struggle" is an understatement, I have no self-discipline. I do what I want when I want. I am much like Paul, I do what I shouldn't when I know what I should do (Romans 7:15). My alarm is set for 6:00 am to get up, work-out, have my quiet time and get ready for work. I'm never up before 7:45. I've tried setting my alarm to my favorite song, I've tried setting my alarm to my favorite worship song, I've tried using the alarm clock on my bookshelf. Nothing seems to help.
I'm a diabetic and have the biggest sweet tooth (I know, right!), especially when it come to breakfast foods. On the weekends I splurge and eat a sugary treat for breakfast. I've tried memorizing Romans 12:1 as a reminder to use my body as a living sacrifice and not eat such bad for me foods...hasn't really worked out for me. I'm saving for school but have been justifying shopping so that I can stock up on clothes now because I won't be able to afford anything new once my income declines. What I want, when I want it.
Mark 8:34-35 really spoke to me this morning, the phrase that caught my attention was "...he must deny himself...". This is one thing that I certainly do not do! I want a new dress, I buy it. I want pancakes, I eat them. There is a common theme among all of this...want, want, want. What do I really need? I need to deny myself and not give in to the temptation of these desires. Yes, these things may seem small and trivial, but if this behavior is keeping me from growing in my relationship with Christ then I need to stop buying dresses and eating pancakes.Shopping and eating may not be sins in and of themselves, but if these tasks are fulfilling emotional needs, it is worth finding the root of where this desires come from. I don't want to be like the rich man in Matthew 19 that didn't want to sell his belongs to follow Jesus. I want to forgo my desires and live for Him.
Self-discipline is about holding your self accountable and making decisions about a healthy lifestyle. I need these skills, not just for me but as a way to follow Christ and grow in Him. I must deny myself in order to be like Him. He must become more and I must become less (John 3:30). This world is not about me and what I want, it's about serving Him and furthering the kingdom. Here's to incorporating more self-discipline in my life! Where do you stand?
Sunday, February 24, 2013
A Sea of Pretty Faces
There are hundreds of pretty girls that go to The Porch* on Tuesday nights. I wish the "hundreds" was an exaggeration but it's not. An estimated 2,500 people go into the worship center at Watermark to hang on JP's every word on a weekly basis. I'm a big fan of The Porch, I love the music (that's my jam!), the messages and I am currently going through the class to be able to serve. It's a pretty great way to spend your Tuesday night.
Back to my first statement, pretty girls abound there. Everywhere you turn there is another girl with perfectly styled hair, the latest trends and expertly done make-up. You really can't escape it. I try my hardest to fit in, but I always seem to miss the mark; either humidity has made some of my hair awkwardly curly, or my make-up has worn off during the day or I'm not sporting the latest trends (skinny jeans are not made for girls with hips!). To be completely honest, when I go shopping I often find myself asking..."would I wear this to The Porch?". If the answer is no, it goes back on the rack. Now, you don't have to tell me that I am totally missing the point of going to church on Tuesday night if this is where my mind is. I'm right there with you.
I have made no secret of my body image issues. I live in the land of comparison and berate myself for the pounds I've put on over three years. I'm consumed with thoughts on how I don't measure up simply because my measurements aren't the ideal 36-24-36 (and yes, for those who know me well, I am now singing Baby Got Back in my head!). I am shameful in who I am and try to hide in my clothes. The good news is, is that God is transforming my heart and mind (Romans 12:2). It is a slow process but I feel that I am making some strides.
I don't think that the perfect hair, latest trends and expert make-up come easily to most girls at The Porch. My personal opinion is that most of them strive to reach this society made expectation and it ultimately hurts God's heart. I strive just to stay in the race. The pack is up ahead and I just want to reach them. It's not going to happen, because that's just not who I am. The underside of my hair will always have a curl to it, I still can't figure out how to wear eyeliner on the bottom of my eyes and I'd rather be in an Audrey Hepburn inspired dress than a super trendy outfit from a pricy boutique. However, none of these things are important. Beauty comes to those who have a heart at rest that is full of faith, hope and love.
I not only hurt myself when I tear myself down, but I hurt my Creator. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in his image. First Peter 3:3-4 tells me that my beauty is not in outward adornment but in a gentle and quiet spirit. Beauty comes from who I am and how I love and serve God. I must quit striving and seek him, for his love will quiet my soul (Zeph 3:17). Popping pills, drinking smoothies that taste like grass and counting calories aren't going to bring me any relief from my negative image, only God can do that. There is a clear difference in living a healthy lifestyle and giving in to the latest fad. I don't want to be a slave to food labels or trends, I want to be a slave to him. Is my priority maintaining weight, burning calories, meeting the requirements of the food pyramid or using my body as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1)?
My goal isn't to be just another pretty girl at The Porch. My goal is to be at rest, to reveal a beauty that is found in my soul and not based on my size or my fashion choice. Outward beauty is fleeting (Proverbs 31:30) and happiness can not be based on that, happiness is fleeting. Only eternal joy that is found in Christ can sustain a person's heart and soul. Are you chasing happiness or seeking eternal joy?
*The Porch is the Young Adults service at Watermark Community Church on Tuesday from 7-8:30. It is amazing! If you are interested in attending, let me know!!
Back to my first statement, pretty girls abound there. Everywhere you turn there is another girl with perfectly styled hair, the latest trends and expertly done make-up. You really can't escape it. I try my hardest to fit in, but I always seem to miss the mark; either humidity has made some of my hair awkwardly curly, or my make-up has worn off during the day or I'm not sporting the latest trends (skinny jeans are not made for girls with hips!). To be completely honest, when I go shopping I often find myself asking..."would I wear this to The Porch?". If the answer is no, it goes back on the rack. Now, you don't have to tell me that I am totally missing the point of going to church on Tuesday night if this is where my mind is. I'm right there with you.
I have made no secret of my body image issues. I live in the land of comparison and berate myself for the pounds I've put on over three years. I'm consumed with thoughts on how I don't measure up simply because my measurements aren't the ideal 36-24-36 (and yes, for those who know me well, I am now singing Baby Got Back in my head!). I am shameful in who I am and try to hide in my clothes. The good news is, is that God is transforming my heart and mind (Romans 12:2). It is a slow process but I feel that I am making some strides.
I don't think that the perfect hair, latest trends and expert make-up come easily to most girls at The Porch. My personal opinion is that most of them strive to reach this society made expectation and it ultimately hurts God's heart. I strive just to stay in the race. The pack is up ahead and I just want to reach them. It's not going to happen, because that's just not who I am. The underside of my hair will always have a curl to it, I still can't figure out how to wear eyeliner on the bottom of my eyes and I'd rather be in an Audrey Hepburn inspired dress than a super trendy outfit from a pricy boutique. However, none of these things are important. Beauty comes to those who have a heart at rest that is full of faith, hope and love.
I not only hurt myself when I tear myself down, but I hurt my Creator. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in his image. First Peter 3:3-4 tells me that my beauty is not in outward adornment but in a gentle and quiet spirit. Beauty comes from who I am and how I love and serve God. I must quit striving and seek him, for his love will quiet my soul (Zeph 3:17). Popping pills, drinking smoothies that taste like grass and counting calories aren't going to bring me any relief from my negative image, only God can do that. There is a clear difference in living a healthy lifestyle and giving in to the latest fad. I don't want to be a slave to food labels or trends, I want to be a slave to him. Is my priority maintaining weight, burning calories, meeting the requirements of the food pyramid or using my body as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1)?
My goal isn't to be just another pretty girl at The Porch. My goal is to be at rest, to reveal a beauty that is found in my soul and not based on my size or my fashion choice. Outward beauty is fleeting (Proverbs 31:30) and happiness can not be based on that, happiness is fleeting. Only eternal joy that is found in Christ can sustain a person's heart and soul. Are you chasing happiness or seeking eternal joy?
*The Porch is the Young Adults service at Watermark Community Church on Tuesday from 7-8:30. It is amazing! If you are interested in attending, let me know!!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Hurry up and wait...
I love it when God speaks to me!! I sat down with my bible for quiet time and before I opened His word I asked him to reveal to me what he wanted me to know. I have been a hot mess lately all because I have been working off of my
own timeline and in the vain of being completely authentic...I've been
mad at God. I've been desperately trying to figure out the answers to
several questions and trying to understand the current predicament that I
am in, knowing full well that I am not going to get those answers or
gain that understanding (Proverbs 3:5).
I opened my bible to where I had left off, I was following along with The Journey and was reading about Noah. I was in the part where the rain had stopped but Noah was unsure if the ground was there. He kept sending out birds to figure out if it was time to leave the ark. He sent out a raven, and waited...sent out a dove and waited...sent out another dove and waited...that's when I had my "aha moment", there is a whole lotta waiting in the bible! This is a consistent theme through His word! I know I have mentioned in several posts that I am the worst waiter in the world. I hate to wait. Why can't things just happen? I mean, I'm on a timeline, here people, I don't have all day. However, it is helpful to know that I am not the only person who has ever been plagued by the disease of waiting.
"Poor, poor, Joseph, whatcha gonna do?". What would be worse than your own flesh and blood selling you off into slavery? I know Allison (my big sister) tried to convince me that I was adopted when I was younger but at least she never tried to sell me (or I hope not!). Joseph in deed had it rough. He had all these amazing dreams, so he knew something was in store for him, but had to bide time in jail because of pesky Potiphar's wife. He had a lot of time on his hands to wait...
Sarah wanted nothing more than to have children. God even promised her she would! Today it is still an emotional roller-coaster for women who are trying to conceive, and even worse for those who are unable to. Sarah wanted nothing more than to bless Abraham with a family of his own. She even went far enough to send in her servant to lay with Abraham, clearly that was not one of her best decisions, but her dreams and wants outweighed her faith in God's timing.
For those of you that know me really well, you know that I have this silly giggle that I do when I am super excited about something. It is not like my normal laugh but indeed a giggle! Well, I know without a doubt that when I get to heaven, that giggle is going to ensue like crazy!! I know I will be humbled before Jesus and our heavenly father, but when I get to meet Paul, there is no holding back!! I kinda see him as a celebrity. His love for Jesus was so consuming that the persecution he endured was nothing to him. He used his time wisely while he was waiting on his freedom, he sent others out to spread the good word and wrote letters encouraging other followers to maintain their love and devotion to Christ.
This blog has the potential to be the longest I've ever written. I could continue to detail the stories of the chosen people who had to wait (David, Moses, Mary and Martha, etc.) but I won't. The moral of the story is once again...its not about me. Jesus didn't heal Lazarus when he was sick, but raised him from the dead because that action glorified God the most. I realize now that I have been dwelling on all the wrong questions these past few days. Questions that centered on me and not on Him. I know that He has His best in store for me and I will have to wait until He is ready to present it to me. It is for His glory and happiness, not mine.
P.S. Please remind me to re-read this when things don't work out my way!
I opened my bible to where I had left off, I was following along with The Journey and was reading about Noah. I was in the part where the rain had stopped but Noah was unsure if the ground was there. He kept sending out birds to figure out if it was time to leave the ark. He sent out a raven, and waited...sent out a dove and waited...sent out another dove and waited...that's when I had my "aha moment", there is a whole lotta waiting in the bible! This is a consistent theme through His word! I know I have mentioned in several posts that I am the worst waiter in the world. I hate to wait. Why can't things just happen? I mean, I'm on a timeline, here people, I don't have all day. However, it is helpful to know that I am not the only person who has ever been plagued by the disease of waiting.
"Poor, poor, Joseph, whatcha gonna do?". What would be worse than your own flesh and blood selling you off into slavery? I know Allison (my big sister) tried to convince me that I was adopted when I was younger but at least she never tried to sell me (or I hope not!). Joseph in deed had it rough. He had all these amazing dreams, so he knew something was in store for him, but had to bide time in jail because of pesky Potiphar's wife. He had a lot of time on his hands to wait...
Sarah wanted nothing more than to have children. God even promised her she would! Today it is still an emotional roller-coaster for women who are trying to conceive, and even worse for those who are unable to. Sarah wanted nothing more than to bless Abraham with a family of his own. She even went far enough to send in her servant to lay with Abraham, clearly that was not one of her best decisions, but her dreams and wants outweighed her faith in God's timing.
For those of you that know me really well, you know that I have this silly giggle that I do when I am super excited about something. It is not like my normal laugh but indeed a giggle! Well, I know without a doubt that when I get to heaven, that giggle is going to ensue like crazy!! I know I will be humbled before Jesus and our heavenly father, but when I get to meet Paul, there is no holding back!! I kinda see him as a celebrity. His love for Jesus was so consuming that the persecution he endured was nothing to him. He used his time wisely while he was waiting on his freedom, he sent others out to spread the good word and wrote letters encouraging other followers to maintain their love and devotion to Christ.
This blog has the potential to be the longest I've ever written. I could continue to detail the stories of the chosen people who had to wait (David, Moses, Mary and Martha, etc.) but I won't. The moral of the story is once again...its not about me. Jesus didn't heal Lazarus when he was sick, but raised him from the dead because that action glorified God the most. I realize now that I have been dwelling on all the wrong questions these past few days. Questions that centered on me and not on Him. I know that He has His best in store for me and I will have to wait until He is ready to present it to me. It is for His glory and happiness, not mine.
P.S. Please remind me to re-read this when things don't work out my way!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Song of Songs
Sometimes when I am having a bad day or need some extra encouragement I will sit down with my Bible and ask God to show me words that will encourage my heart. Then I randomly open my Bible and read a few pages, trying to figure out what God is trying to tell me. Tonight was no different...
I've been struggling with some of my insecurities lately. My heart has been hurt and today I was just a little down. Satan was definitely wagging war on me and I was filled with self-doubt and anxiety. All day I felt like I was asking God "why?" and not getting an answer. My head was full of the typical lies women buy in to regarding their looks, weight, style and beauty. This was all because I didn't feel wanted or worthy.
How easily I forget that I am the object of God's affection!! I grabbed by Bible and sat down on the couch and bowed my head in prayer, asking God to reveal something in His word that would encourage me and strengthen my heart. He led me to Song of Songs. My first reminder was that I am His beloved. He loves me like no one else does or ever will. Yes, I want an earthly husband to love and cherish me but I know that won't provide fulfillment. The only love that can do that is from my heavenly father. He has brought joy and reassurance to my heart tonight.
The verse that stood out to me was Song of Songs 3:8 "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires". Another reminder for me to be patient and wait on God's timing when it comes to my love life. I certainly want to be the excellent wife described in Proverbs 31:10-31 and I know developing that type of character and those characteristics takes time. I am a work in progress and so is my future husband. My waiting is only drawing me closer to God and making me more Christ-like. I need to make more of an effort to remember that and not let the lies that loneliness brings suffocate my heart.
I've been struggling with some of my insecurities lately. My heart has been hurt and today I was just a little down. Satan was definitely wagging war on me and I was filled with self-doubt and anxiety. All day I felt like I was asking God "why?" and not getting an answer. My head was full of the typical lies women buy in to regarding their looks, weight, style and beauty. This was all because I didn't feel wanted or worthy.
How easily I forget that I am the object of God's affection!! I grabbed by Bible and sat down on the couch and bowed my head in prayer, asking God to reveal something in His word that would encourage me and strengthen my heart. He led me to Song of Songs. My first reminder was that I am His beloved. He loves me like no one else does or ever will. Yes, I want an earthly husband to love and cherish me but I know that won't provide fulfillment. The only love that can do that is from my heavenly father. He has brought joy and reassurance to my heart tonight.
The verse that stood out to me was Song of Songs 3:8 "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires". Another reminder for me to be patient and wait on God's timing when it comes to my love life. I certainly want to be the excellent wife described in Proverbs 31:10-31 and I know developing that type of character and those characteristics takes time. I am a work in progress and so is my future husband. My waiting is only drawing me closer to God and making me more Christ-like. I need to make more of an effort to remember that and not let the lies that loneliness brings suffocate my heart.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Corrupt
My mind has been corrupted by romantic comedies. I mean, what woman doesn't want to be swept away on a horse or yacht or limo? What woman doesn't want a man to scale a fire escape to rescue her? What woman doesn't want to dance with her man in the rain? What woman doesn't want to be awakened by a kiss from her prince? What women doesn't want a man to plot to meet her in a park and reveal his identify and love for her? Well, just because you want it, doesn't mean its gonna happen.
I am going out on a huge limb here...there is a guy that I am interested in. I would definitely like to spend more time with him and get to know him better. I am fairly certain that he knows I'm interested and I think he might be too, but I'm just not sure. I really can't tell if he is or isn't interested. In the secular world, I would be texting like crazy, totally relying on my emotions and progressing way too fast. Now that I want to date biblically, I have to sit back and wait. Wait for him to ask me out, wait for him to let me know he is interested, wait for him to initiate. Have I mentioned that I'm not really good at waiting? Meanwhile, my mind is playing tricks on me. Not hearing from him has me wondering if he is interested, maybe he just isn't that into me (thank you, romantic comedy #6,789). My friends tell me he will ask me out when he is ready, meanwhile...yap, you guessed it...I get to wait. I'm really, really bad at that.
I had an epiphany regarding why I might be so bad at waiting...I have expectations that I want this boy to meet. I want him to think about me, I want him to text me, I want him to ask me out, I want him to hold my hand. This is totally unfair to him. How is he supposed to know all of this? Until he decides (hopefully!) to intentional pursue me, I can't have any expectations. Having expectations will only lead to frustration and disappointment. There is no reason for me to believe that he knows any of my "wants" or expectations. I want the fantasy of a romantic comedy and that just doesn't happen in real life. I may not get the romantic comedy that I want, but I know I will get the love story I deserve from God. His authorship is better than high paid writers crafting a box office hit. He has also already given me the most romantic story ever through His word.
So, I'm going to wait and see what happens. I'm going to leave my expectations at the door and just have fun. There is no point in me dwelling on what isn't happening, I am going to focus on what is! God is going to give me nothing but His best and I am pretty pumped about that!
I am going out on a huge limb here...there is a guy that I am interested in. I would definitely like to spend more time with him and get to know him better. I am fairly certain that he knows I'm interested and I think he might be too, but I'm just not sure. I really can't tell if he is or isn't interested. In the secular world, I would be texting like crazy, totally relying on my emotions and progressing way too fast. Now that I want to date biblically, I have to sit back and wait. Wait for him to ask me out, wait for him to let me know he is interested, wait for him to initiate. Have I mentioned that I'm not really good at waiting? Meanwhile, my mind is playing tricks on me. Not hearing from him has me wondering if he is interested, maybe he just isn't that into me (thank you, romantic comedy #6,789). My friends tell me he will ask me out when he is ready, meanwhile...yap, you guessed it...I get to wait. I'm really, really bad at that.
I had an epiphany regarding why I might be so bad at waiting...I have expectations that I want this boy to meet. I want him to think about me, I want him to text me, I want him to ask me out, I want him to hold my hand. This is totally unfair to him. How is he supposed to know all of this? Until he decides (hopefully!) to intentional pursue me, I can't have any expectations. Having expectations will only lead to frustration and disappointment. There is no reason for me to believe that he knows any of my "wants" or expectations. I want the fantasy of a romantic comedy and that just doesn't happen in real life. I may not get the romantic comedy that I want, but I know I will get the love story I deserve from God. His authorship is better than high paid writers crafting a box office hit. He has also already given me the most romantic story ever through His word.
So, I'm going to wait and see what happens. I'm going to leave my expectations at the door and just have fun. There is no point in me dwelling on what isn't happening, I am going to focus on what is! God is going to give me nothing but His best and I am pretty pumped about that!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
My Non-resolution Resolution
A few years ago a friend introduced me to The One Word Project, the goal is to not make a resolution for the new year, but to choose one word and make it your theme. My first word was "intentional" and I've actually hung onto it for the last two years, this year I am changing it to "challenge". I want to challenge myself in several different areas of my life. I feel like I have just been getting by lately and I want to go above and beyond and make myself a better person.
The first area that I am going to concentrate on is developing spirituality. This past Sunday, Blake Holmes spoke at Watermark about developing as a Christian and the need for continual growth. He told a story about his daughter learning to ski on the bunny slope and how eventually she will make her way to green and blue trails. The same is true with spiritual maturity, you don't want to stay on the bunny slope forever, you want to be closer to God, learn more about the word and continue to become more like Christ, essentially you want to move past the bunny slope. You have to set goals for yourself in order to grow and mature to achieve life transformation. Blake notes that growth and maturity are not achieved by checking items off a list (memorizing scripture, reading books, etc.) but is achieved through a change in your heart. My goal is to be more diligent with my quiet times, focus on prayer and mediation and continue to serve within the Singles Watermark Community ministry (as a CG leader as well as an existing-leader coach). I will use these as tools to continue to grow in my relationship with Christ. Here is the link if you want to listen to Blake's message: http://www.watermark.org/media/.
The second area that I am going to focus on is my health. I don't want to drop a bomb on anyone, but...I'm diabetic! I know, right!! :) To be completely honest, sometimes I forget. I have gotten so used to it, that it has become second nature for me. I eat what I want when I want and workout only when I can pry myself out of bed. This needs to change. Two years ago, I spent a week in ICU because my insulin pump malfunctioned. It was then that I realized that I am not like everyone else, I have a chronic illness that makes my life different. I need to be more aware of what I am putting into my body and how certain foods effect me. I also get regular migraines and my beautiful friend Meera, sent me a blurb from an article stating that gluten can have an effect on the sensitivity and duration of migraines. Bye, bye gluten! I probably won't go 100% gluten-free but am definitely going to try to avoid it when I can. This is going to be a huge challenge, but it will have a profound impact on my life if I can make it work. oh, yeah and I guess I can exercise more. :)
I am also going to challenge myself to stick to my budget and continue to save for seminary, to be intentional with the relationships I build with others, and to look for opportunities to serve and encourage where I can.
I have a feeling that something big is going to happen this year. My life will ultimately change for the better. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me!
The first area that I am going to concentrate on is developing spirituality. This past Sunday, Blake Holmes spoke at Watermark about developing as a Christian and the need for continual growth. He told a story about his daughter learning to ski on the bunny slope and how eventually she will make her way to green and blue trails. The same is true with spiritual maturity, you don't want to stay on the bunny slope forever, you want to be closer to God, learn more about the word and continue to become more like Christ, essentially you want to move past the bunny slope. You have to set goals for yourself in order to grow and mature to achieve life transformation. Blake notes that growth and maturity are not achieved by checking items off a list (memorizing scripture, reading books, etc.) but is achieved through a change in your heart. My goal is to be more diligent with my quiet times, focus on prayer and mediation and continue to serve within the Singles Watermark Community ministry (as a CG leader as well as an existing-leader coach). I will use these as tools to continue to grow in my relationship with Christ. Here is the link if you want to listen to Blake's message: http://www.watermark.org/media/.
The second area that I am going to focus on is my health. I don't want to drop a bomb on anyone, but...I'm diabetic! I know, right!! :) To be completely honest, sometimes I forget. I have gotten so used to it, that it has become second nature for me. I eat what I want when I want and workout only when I can pry myself out of bed. This needs to change. Two years ago, I spent a week in ICU because my insulin pump malfunctioned. It was then that I realized that I am not like everyone else, I have a chronic illness that makes my life different. I need to be more aware of what I am putting into my body and how certain foods effect me. I also get regular migraines and my beautiful friend Meera, sent me a blurb from an article stating that gluten can have an effect on the sensitivity and duration of migraines. Bye, bye gluten! I probably won't go 100% gluten-free but am definitely going to try to avoid it when I can. This is going to be a huge challenge, but it will have a profound impact on my life if I can make it work. oh, yeah and I guess I can exercise more. :)
I am also going to challenge myself to stick to my budget and continue to save for seminary, to be intentional with the relationships I build with others, and to look for opportunities to serve and encourage where I can.
I have a feeling that something big is going to happen this year. My life will ultimately change for the better. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me!
Sunday, December 16, 2012
We got to pray just to make it today!
Yesterday was quite possibly the worst day ever. For those of you who have never had a migraine, I hope you never do. For those of you who have had a migraine, I know that you feel my pain...literally. All I could do yesterday was lay down with my eyes closed. I went back and forth between my bed and couch, desperately trying to get comfortable. I couldn't watch tv, read or listen to music, all were to much of a sensory overload.I was utterly miserable.
I spent 16 hours alternating between sleep and tossing and turning. I would lay with my eyes closed and would wait for sleep to wash over me. During the periods when I was awake, I would pray. My eyes were closed and I was in His presence and at some point would drift back off to sleep. I'm pretty sure I spent more time with God yesterday than probably all week. I prayed for my friends and the hope of blossoming relationships, I prayed for the welfare of my family, I thanked and praised God for all that He is, and I prayed for the families touched by the recent shooting tragedy. In my physical pain I found myself retreating to Him. If at some point you crossed my mind yesterday, you were prayed for. I prayed for my staff and their finals, I prayed for friends that are far away, I prayed for those that I see frequently...
I also prayed for myself.. I prayed for a closer relationship with Him, a place to live and a job come May, patience...lots of patience, that I would serve as a light to those around me, and that I would feel better in the morning! My prayers were like a conversation with a friend. There were no formalities, just a simple conversation. At times I was quiet and listened for His response and He would direct my thoughts or remind me of scripture. I realized I need to spend more time like this, more time in conversation with Him. Not time simply presenting requests or rattling off a laundry list of wants or needs, but time letting my heart speak and taking time to listen to His response.
P.S. For everyone who got the McHammer reference, you rock!!
I spent 16 hours alternating between sleep and tossing and turning. I would lay with my eyes closed and would wait for sleep to wash over me. During the periods when I was awake, I would pray. My eyes were closed and I was in His presence and at some point would drift back off to sleep. I'm pretty sure I spent more time with God yesterday than probably all week. I prayed for my friends and the hope of blossoming relationships, I prayed for the welfare of my family, I thanked and praised God for all that He is, and I prayed for the families touched by the recent shooting tragedy. In my physical pain I found myself retreating to Him. If at some point you crossed my mind yesterday, you were prayed for. I prayed for my staff and their finals, I prayed for friends that are far away, I prayed for those that I see frequently...
I also prayed for myself.. I prayed for a closer relationship with Him, a place to live and a job come May, patience...lots of patience, that I would serve as a light to those around me, and that I would feel better in the morning! My prayers were like a conversation with a friend. There were no formalities, just a simple conversation. At times I was quiet and listened for His response and He would direct my thoughts or remind me of scripture. I realized I need to spend more time like this, more time in conversation with Him. Not time simply presenting requests or rattling off a laundry list of wants or needs, but time letting my heart speak and taking time to listen to His response.
P.S. For everyone who got the McHammer reference, you rock!!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
King David
I wish I was more like King David...well, apart from the concubines, multiple wives, and big time sin. Ever since God gave me the idea to go to seminary, I wanted to get to know David a little better. Why? His journey was not easy and I knew that mine was not going to be either. David was called to be king at a young age and had to wait out the reign of Saul to take his position. Just because David was hand-picked by God didn't mean that he life was going to be like a day at the beach. I know that even though God has called me to return to school full time, it will be a difficult road. I will have to readjust to being in school and the comfortable lifestyle I have come accustom to, will be a thing of the past.
Well, back to me wanting to be more like David...a friend posted a psalm recently and it spoke to my heart. I added it to my journal of scripture and made a mental note to memorize it. I was going through my journal and reading all the other entries from the book of Psalms and was deeply touched by David's love and willingness to trust in God. Over and over again, you read how David is pouring out his heart to his heavenly father. His words show how much he loves God and honors Him.You can see, without a doubt, that David is consumed with God, that He truly is his strength, shield, stronghold, protector, redeemer...the list goes on. I have to admit that sometimes I struggle with this. I know in my mind that God loves me unconditionally and that I am chosen but sometimes that doesn't always translate to my heart. David never wavered, well, there was that incident with Bathsheba but even in his sin he knew God was still there. I think one reason why he didn't repent until Nathan approached him was because David knew that God was still there watching AND loving him.
Our God is a living god, He is with us now. He is watching over us now, He longs for us now! We were created to be in relationship with Him, He wants our undivided attention and love. I wish I could pour out my heart like David did. I know God isn't expecting me to be the author of 150 psalms to show my love and devotion. I can show my love for Him by living my life for Him. David has inspired me to make loving God a priority. In Titus 2, I learned that the more I get to know God and understand Him, the more I will feel His love.Over the past three years, God has become more and more a priority in my life. I continue to seek Him through my quiet times, community group, enrolling in bible studies and prayer. I want to be able to show my love for Him like David did. I'm going to dive into the Psalms and I'm looking forward to learning more about God and seeing Him through the eyes of David. My prayer is that I will strengthen my relationship with God and become more of a woman after God's heart.
Well, back to me wanting to be more like David...a friend posted a psalm recently and it spoke to my heart. I added it to my journal of scripture and made a mental note to memorize it. I was going through my journal and reading all the other entries from the book of Psalms and was deeply touched by David's love and willingness to trust in God. Over and over again, you read how David is pouring out his heart to his heavenly father. His words show how much he loves God and honors Him.You can see, without a doubt, that David is consumed with God, that He truly is his strength, shield, stronghold, protector, redeemer...the list goes on. I have to admit that sometimes I struggle with this. I know in my mind that God loves me unconditionally and that I am chosen but sometimes that doesn't always translate to my heart. David never wavered, well, there was that incident with Bathsheba but even in his sin he knew God was still there. I think one reason why he didn't repent until Nathan approached him was because David knew that God was still there watching AND loving him.
Our God is a living god, He is with us now. He is watching over us now, He longs for us now! We were created to be in relationship with Him, He wants our undivided attention and love. I wish I could pour out my heart like David did. I know God isn't expecting me to be the author of 150 psalms to show my love and devotion. I can show my love for Him by living my life for Him. David has inspired me to make loving God a priority. In Titus 2, I learned that the more I get to know God and understand Him, the more I will feel His love.Over the past three years, God has become more and more a priority in my life. I continue to seek Him through my quiet times, community group, enrolling in bible studies and prayer. I want to be able to show my love for Him like David did. I'm going to dive into the Psalms and I'm looking forward to learning more about God and seeing Him through the eyes of David. My prayer is that I will strengthen my relationship with God and become more of a woman after God's heart.
Friday, November 9, 2012
I have a confession...
I have a confession...I want to get married and have a family of my own!
Whew! I'm glad the cat is out of the bag. I'm terrible at keeping secrets, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Ok...ok...I realize that this isn't a huge confession for a single girl to make, however, I felt the need to make it known. In my admission I realize that I may have shot myself in the foot and scared away any non-marriage minded suitors, but I'm kinda ok with that. Serious suitors need only apply!
I'm currently participating in a Titus 2 group and absolutely love it!! For all of you single or married girls out there who haven't taken this class...get on it! The class is devoted to teaching us girls how to be godly women and how to live well as a daughter of God; several of the chapters are based on relationships, especially those of a godly husband and wife. Oh, and boys if you are reading this...there is a companion study for you too! But back to us girls...the last chapter we read was about obedience and centered around the female being the "helper" in the relationship. God created man to the be the leader and the woman is his helper. The study reveals that the word "helper" is only used in the Bible to describe God and Eve. Hmmm...there's something to think about.
This may sound corny and very circa 1952, but I can't wait to fulfill this role. The exciting part about all of this is that it is the role that I am called to be in! I want to be with a godly man that will lead our family and our relationship and that will encourage me in my walk with Christ. I will also encourage him and help him be the best leader that he can be. This may seem very daunting to the men reading this but don't let it. Remember, I am your helper!! I am not expecting to enter into a relationship with a man who has everything figured out, if that were the case, he wouldn't need me. I do want to be in a relationship with someone who fervently seeks the Lord; someone who spends time in the word and in prayer, who serves and seeks wise counsel and accountability from others.
These last couple of days I've read about a million articles on singleness...how to be single...how not to be single...how to pursue a relationship...how to not pursue a relationship...I think you get the picture. All the articles I have read have all had a common foundation, they have all been rooted in scripture or found on a Christian website. For the most part, each article has offered sound advice, but I'm not any closer to being with that special guy. The best encouragement I received was from a friend's blog (Thank you, Julie). She wrote about Lazarus and Jesus waiting four days before he brought him back to life. Those days were torture for Mary and Martha and the disciples were a little confused, but when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead it brought God such glory! I think that God has me in a four day (figurative) waiting period, when I do enter into a relationship it will bring God glory. It will be the kind of relationship that is crafted by scripture and HIS hand, not mine.
In the meantime, my plan of action is going to continue to be the kind of woman that God created me to be. I still need to learn more about my role as a "helper" and how to be a godly wife. I will continue to spend time in the word, developing my character and becoming more like Him. I will continue to serve and surround myself with godly women to hold me accountable and encourage my walk. I will continue to seek Him, instead of a "him".
Whew! I'm glad the cat is out of the bag. I'm terrible at keeping secrets, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Ok...ok...I realize that this isn't a huge confession for a single girl to make, however, I felt the need to make it known. In my admission I realize that I may have shot myself in the foot and scared away any non-marriage minded suitors, but I'm kinda ok with that. Serious suitors need only apply!
I'm currently participating in a Titus 2 group and absolutely love it!! For all of you single or married girls out there who haven't taken this class...get on it! The class is devoted to teaching us girls how to be godly women and how to live well as a daughter of God; several of the chapters are based on relationships, especially those of a godly husband and wife. Oh, and boys if you are reading this...there is a companion study for you too! But back to us girls...the last chapter we read was about obedience and centered around the female being the "helper" in the relationship. God created man to the be the leader and the woman is his helper. The study reveals that the word "helper" is only used in the Bible to describe God and Eve. Hmmm...there's something to think about.
This may sound corny and very circa 1952, but I can't wait to fulfill this role. The exciting part about all of this is that it is the role that I am called to be in! I want to be with a godly man that will lead our family and our relationship and that will encourage me in my walk with Christ. I will also encourage him and help him be the best leader that he can be. This may seem very daunting to the men reading this but don't let it. Remember, I am your helper!! I am not expecting to enter into a relationship with a man who has everything figured out, if that were the case, he wouldn't need me. I do want to be in a relationship with someone who fervently seeks the Lord; someone who spends time in the word and in prayer, who serves and seeks wise counsel and accountability from others.
These last couple of days I've read about a million articles on singleness...how to be single...how not to be single...how to pursue a relationship...how to not pursue a relationship...I think you get the picture. All the articles I have read have all had a common foundation, they have all been rooted in scripture or found on a Christian website. For the most part, each article has offered sound advice, but I'm not any closer to being with that special guy. The best encouragement I received was from a friend's blog (Thank you, Julie). She wrote about Lazarus and Jesus waiting four days before he brought him back to life. Those days were torture for Mary and Martha and the disciples were a little confused, but when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead it brought God such glory! I think that God has me in a four day (figurative) waiting period, when I do enter into a relationship it will bring God glory. It will be the kind of relationship that is crafted by scripture and HIS hand, not mine.
In the meantime, my plan of action is going to continue to be the kind of woman that God created me to be. I still need to learn more about my role as a "helper" and how to be a godly wife. I will continue to spend time in the word, developing my character and becoming more like Him. I will continue to serve and surround myself with godly women to hold me accountable and encourage my walk. I will continue to seek Him, instead of a "him".
Monday, April 23, 2012
Tik Tok
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
We live in a world that is driven by instant gratification. Receiving comments, likes and retweets have fueled this desire to have what we want, when we want it. Simply post something on one of many social media boards and you are guaranteed feedback in mere seconds. TV shows and movies are available at the push of a button, and why go buy a cd or a book when you can download one to your new technologically savvy device. Literally, the world is at our fingertips. This ease and convenience can cause some serious issues when we are faced with a dilemma that can't be solved through the speed of the internet.
I think it is safe to say that as a society we hate to wait. Nothing irritates us more than a Sunday morning driver during Wednesday afternoon traffic, or that one person who ordered dinner for ten in the drive-thru, or having to devote half a work day to getting our picture taken for our driver's license...we have people to see and places to be...enough with waiting! If only we could click our heels three times and be done with all the waiting. Generally, we all think we know what we need and when we need it. I don't think that could be further from the truth.
My life goal was to be married and have a family by the time I was 25...well, I'm six years behind on that one! As someone who loves to plan and set goals, this is one goal that I am thankful that I didn't reach. Yes, I am still a little impatient and want to eventually get there, but in God's timing, not my own. Two verses that God has recently revealed to me are:
I have faith and trust in Him, that my season will change and I will ushered into a new phase of my life when it is the right time. I know I will grow impatient, and that I have some hard lessons to learn but I will wait for Him because He faithful in His promises (Psalm 145:13).
We live in a world that is driven by instant gratification. Receiving comments, likes and retweets have fueled this desire to have what we want, when we want it. Simply post something on one of many social media boards and you are guaranteed feedback in mere seconds. TV shows and movies are available at the push of a button, and why go buy a cd or a book when you can download one to your new technologically savvy device. Literally, the world is at our fingertips. This ease and convenience can cause some serious issues when we are faced with a dilemma that can't be solved through the speed of the internet.
I think it is safe to say that as a society we hate to wait. Nothing irritates us more than a Sunday morning driver during Wednesday afternoon traffic, or that one person who ordered dinner for ten in the drive-thru, or having to devote half a work day to getting our picture taken for our driver's license...we have people to see and places to be...enough with waiting! If only we could click our heels three times and be done with all the waiting. Generally, we all think we know what we need and when we need it. I don't think that could be further from the truth.
My life goal was to be married and have a family by the time I was 25...well, I'm six years behind on that one! As someone who loves to plan and set goals, this is one goal that I am thankful that I didn't reach. Yes, I am still a little impatient and want to eventually get there, but in God's timing, not my own. Two verses that God has recently revealed to me are:
- "Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9)
- "The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time" (Psalm 145:15)
I have faith and trust in Him, that my season will change and I will ushered into a new phase of my life when it is the right time. I know I will grow impatient, and that I have some hard lessons to learn but I will wait for Him because He faithful in His promises (Psalm 145:13).
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Standing Up Under It
God is awesome! I really don't think that there is any other way to say it.
I needed to have a tough conversation with someone and I didn't. There are two main reasons for why I didn't:
1. I just didn't have the courage. I was scared. There was a large amount of uncertainty and I do not do well with uncertainty. I need to have as much information as possible about a situation and I felt like I was walking into this one blind.
2. I had hope that the cards would fall in my favor and if they didn't I was going to be up the creek.
Well, God took care of everything for me. He put me in a situation where I would have to address the matter at hand and ultimately I was indeed up the proverbial creek...paddleless. Go figure. However, to be completely honest, I'm not surprised how things turned out. God had my best interest at heart.
One of the verses I am charged with memorizing for the class I am enrolled in at church is 1 Corinthians 10:13: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you may stand up under it." My situation is a PERFECT example of this!!
I was faced with a huge temptation that I was slowly succumbing to. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no reason for me to become invested in the situation but I was slowly creeping toward the point of no return. I knew I needed to have the aforementioned conversation, but it just wasn't going to happen. God stepped in and did what I couldn't. He provided a way out for me. Granted, I am still hurt and confused by the whole thing, but God rescued me! He knew I didn't have the strength to put the walls on my own, so He provided me a way to "stand up under it".
Even though I am hurt, I have to praise God! Throughout the Bible you see examples of people suffering (Joseph, Paul, Job, Mary, Martha, etc.) but still thanking God for their circumstances. I am a modern day example of God's love and devotion! This may be a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. I've learned several valuable lessons from this experience and am very thankful. I know that the hurt will ease over time but as it does I am growing stronger in my faith. He never promised us a life without pain and trials, it is what we take away from these events that is the most important.
I needed to have a tough conversation with someone and I didn't. There are two main reasons for why I didn't:
1. I just didn't have the courage. I was scared. There was a large amount of uncertainty and I do not do well with uncertainty. I need to have as much information as possible about a situation and I felt like I was walking into this one blind.
2. I had hope that the cards would fall in my favor and if they didn't I was going to be up the creek.
Well, God took care of everything for me. He put me in a situation where I would have to address the matter at hand and ultimately I was indeed up the proverbial creek...paddleless. Go figure. However, to be completely honest, I'm not surprised how things turned out. God had my best interest at heart.
One of the verses I am charged with memorizing for the class I am enrolled in at church is 1 Corinthians 10:13: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you may stand up under it." My situation is a PERFECT example of this!!
I was faced with a huge temptation that I was slowly succumbing to. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no reason for me to become invested in the situation but I was slowly creeping toward the point of no return. I knew I needed to have the aforementioned conversation, but it just wasn't going to happen. God stepped in and did what I couldn't. He provided a way out for me. Granted, I am still hurt and confused by the whole thing, but God rescued me! He knew I didn't have the strength to put the walls on my own, so He provided me a way to "stand up under it".
Even though I am hurt, I have to praise God! Throughout the Bible you see examples of people suffering (Joseph, Paul, Job, Mary, Martha, etc.) but still thanking God for their circumstances. I am a modern day example of God's love and devotion! This may be a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. I've learned several valuable lessons from this experience and am very thankful. I know that the hurt will ease over time but as it does I am growing stronger in my faith. He never promised us a life without pain and trials, it is what we take away from these events that is the most important.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Inside Out
I've been in a funk today, and I feel bad for my co-worker Gary who is the only one in the office, and has had to put up with me all on his own. So sorry! Poor Gary, Chelsea and I have been bored silly today. We are the only three members of the department here and all of the residents are still catching the last few rays of Spring Break. The word "quiet" doesn't even begin to describe our day.
I'm sure you can sense where this is going, here I am in my office with my computer...what ever shall I do? You guessed it...Pinterest!! I am pursuing the multitudes of pins available to me and I begin to see a pattern emerging. There are tons and tons of pins of picture of girls with washboard stomachs, designer shoes and clothes, handbags and jewelry. Occasionally you will find a rare book or a quote that makes you stop and reconsider life, but the majority of pins are overwhelmingly dedicated to perfecting the outside facade of who we are. I wish I could say I was above that, but you better believe if I was banking I would be wearing Jimmy Choo, vintage Gucci and toting Prada. I'm a girl!
I'm a little disappointed that I would fall victim to the desire of being so made up and fitted in only the best labels. It would undoubtedly give me a ego boost, much like when I wear my red cowboy boots, but really...what is it going to get me in the end beside a hefty credit card bill? Nothing. Are those pricey items going to land me a dream job or get me the man of my dreams? Nope, but God will! His son already paid the ultimate price and all I have to do it say, "Yes, please!".
My beauty isn't defined by a hand stitched leather purse but by the words that are written across my heart and the light of Christ that others see in me.I want someone to be attracted to me because I put others first, have daily quiet time and want a biblically based life...not because I can rock a pair of $500 shoes. I want to continue to grow in my walk with the Lord so that others will see the beauty in His love. Anyone can pull of pretty but beauty is something that resonates in the soul and is only something God can give you. Are you beautiful?
I'm sure you can sense where this is going, here I am in my office with my computer...what ever shall I do? You guessed it...Pinterest!! I am pursuing the multitudes of pins available to me and I begin to see a pattern emerging. There are tons and tons of pins of picture of girls with washboard stomachs, designer shoes and clothes, handbags and jewelry. Occasionally you will find a rare book or a quote that makes you stop and reconsider life, but the majority of pins are overwhelmingly dedicated to perfecting the outside facade of who we are. I wish I could say I was above that, but you better believe if I was banking I would be wearing Jimmy Choo, vintage Gucci and toting Prada. I'm a girl!
I'm a little disappointed that I would fall victim to the desire of being so made up and fitted in only the best labels. It would undoubtedly give me a ego boost, much like when I wear my red cowboy boots, but really...what is it going to get me in the end beside a hefty credit card bill? Nothing. Are those pricey items going to land me a dream job or get me the man of my dreams? Nope, but God will! His son already paid the ultimate price and all I have to do it say, "Yes, please!".
My beauty isn't defined by a hand stitched leather purse but by the words that are written across my heart and the light of Christ that others see in me.I want someone to be attracted to me because I put others first, have daily quiet time and want a biblically based life...not because I can rock a pair of $500 shoes. I want to continue to grow in my walk with the Lord so that others will see the beauty in His love. Anyone can pull of pretty but beauty is something that resonates in the soul and is only something God can give you. Are you beautiful?
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Going into Battle
I was opening up my Equipped Disciple 1 book to begin my weekly homework and noticed a sentence that I had written down on the back page...I am asking you Lord to come into my life and take over. I myself, wrote these words, but have yet to make that actual request. These last few days are a perfect example of that.
I have tried to take a situation in to my own hands and have failed miserably. Last night I tossed and turned until I finally pulled out my journal to make sense of the scattered thoughts that were causing my restlessness. I poured my heart out to God, telling Him that I was weak, that my head had become a war zone, that the devil was firing off his arsenal of weapons to tear me down. I couldn't take it anymore. I was at the point of completely abandoning my desire in an effort to rid myself of the pain I was inflicting. I knew that this was the devil at play and picked up my bible to find some relief and encouragement. I randomly let the pages fall away and found myself in Ephesians, my eyes were instantly drawn to a heading that read "The Armor of God". Paul was telling the people of Ephesus to wear the armor of God to protect against the devil's schemes, to stand strong against spiritual darkness. This wasn't a coincidence that I was reading this passage, God had specifically directed me to His words.
If only I could sum up the courage to hand God my life and obediently wear the armor that he has created for me, I wouldn't second guess decisions and suffocate under doubt.. He calls me to relinquish myself on a daily basis, yet I fight with Him and convince myself that if I don't take some kind of action then I won't get what I want. The only action that I truly need to take is to give myself completely to God. I want to do it, and it makes perfect sense to me, yet I am still grasping tightly to the idea that I need to be in control and that is when I am most vulnerable to the arsenal of the enemy. My head becomes filled with ideas and thoughts that break me down and I lose faith. I automatically retreat to that place where I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not special enough and I know in my heart those are all lies but the enemy has found the weak place in my armor.
I have decided when I am faced with these thoughts I will remind myself that I am surrounded by the armor of God. If He truly is my everything then He will supply me with the love I need to win my battle. If He is with me, then who can be against me?
I have tried to take a situation in to my own hands and have failed miserably. Last night I tossed and turned until I finally pulled out my journal to make sense of the scattered thoughts that were causing my restlessness. I poured my heart out to God, telling Him that I was weak, that my head had become a war zone, that the devil was firing off his arsenal of weapons to tear me down. I couldn't take it anymore. I was at the point of completely abandoning my desire in an effort to rid myself of the pain I was inflicting. I knew that this was the devil at play and picked up my bible to find some relief and encouragement. I randomly let the pages fall away and found myself in Ephesians, my eyes were instantly drawn to a heading that read "The Armor of God". Paul was telling the people of Ephesus to wear the armor of God to protect against the devil's schemes, to stand strong against spiritual darkness. This wasn't a coincidence that I was reading this passage, God had specifically directed me to His words.
If only I could sum up the courage to hand God my life and obediently wear the armor that he has created for me, I wouldn't second guess decisions and suffocate under doubt.. He calls me to relinquish myself on a daily basis, yet I fight with Him and convince myself that if I don't take some kind of action then I won't get what I want. The only action that I truly need to take is to give myself completely to God. I want to do it, and it makes perfect sense to me, yet I am still grasping tightly to the idea that I need to be in control and that is when I am most vulnerable to the arsenal of the enemy. My head becomes filled with ideas and thoughts that break me down and I lose faith. I automatically retreat to that place where I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not special enough and I know in my heart those are all lies but the enemy has found the weak place in my armor.
I have decided when I am faced with these thoughts I will remind myself that I am surrounded by the armor of God. If He truly is my everything then He will supply me with the love I need to win my battle. If He is with me, then who can be against me?
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Door A or Door B?
Recently, I had a very big decision to make. I have a feeling that I might be opening up a huge can of worms but I have always tried to be very open and honest with my blog posts. A couple weeks ago I had an on-campus interview with another school. The job was everything that I wanted and the people were amazing but I didn't feel drawn to the position. I didn't think it was the right job for me to pick up and move to another state. I had done such a great job of convincing myself that they weren't going to offer that I was actually very surprised when they called and did. I had twenty-four hours to make a decision that was going to affect my life in a huge way.
Everyone I approached for advice told me to make a pro/con list to figure out what I should do. Ultimately, I didn't do that, I tried to listen to God and figure out where he needed me to be. If I choose the position, it would have been for purely professional reasons; if I choose to stay it would have been for personal reasons. I had a courageous choice to make. Do I uproot my life and travel into the unknown or do I stay in Dallas where I now have a life of my own?
I was torn during the interview process, after my initial phone interview they were already making exceptions for me (they don't allow animals, but Posey and I are a packaged deal) and the timeline for the on-campus interview fit my schedule perfectly. I thought God was practically pushing me through this open door, however, He then began giving me more opportunities to grow as a person and a Christian here in Dallas. Yes, I could find more friends and a new church in my new town, but it wouldn't be the same. I believe The Clash said it the best, "should I stay or should I go now?".
This weekend helped me solidify the choice I made. I had the most amazing time at Cowboys dancing with new and old friends and then participated in a crazy 5k that I will be talking about for weeks. I also learned that God does not make choices easy. I had to carefully weigh the options in front of me and make a decision where my life would go, but most importantly I had to stop thinking and simply listen to Him. I am here to serve Him, not to make money or build my resume but to reach out and impact others with the skills and talents He has blessed me with. I have no idea what He has planned for me, but I know it is going to be pretty great. He has placed certain desires in my heart and is guiding my feet where He needs me to be. I am His child and He has the best in mind for me, I just have to trust Him and His timing.
Everyone I approached for advice told me to make a pro/con list to figure out what I should do. Ultimately, I didn't do that, I tried to listen to God and figure out where he needed me to be. If I choose the position, it would have been for purely professional reasons; if I choose to stay it would have been for personal reasons. I had a courageous choice to make. Do I uproot my life and travel into the unknown or do I stay in Dallas where I now have a life of my own?
I was torn during the interview process, after my initial phone interview they were already making exceptions for me (they don't allow animals, but Posey and I are a packaged deal) and the timeline for the on-campus interview fit my schedule perfectly. I thought God was practically pushing me through this open door, however, He then began giving me more opportunities to grow as a person and a Christian here in Dallas. Yes, I could find more friends and a new church in my new town, but it wouldn't be the same. I believe The Clash said it the best, "should I stay or should I go now?".
This weekend helped me solidify the choice I made. I had the most amazing time at Cowboys dancing with new and old friends and then participated in a crazy 5k that I will be talking about for weeks. I also learned that God does not make choices easy. I had to carefully weigh the options in front of me and make a decision where my life would go, but most importantly I had to stop thinking and simply listen to Him. I am here to serve Him, not to make money or build my resume but to reach out and impact others with the skills and talents He has blessed me with. I have no idea what He has planned for me, but I know it is going to be pretty great. He has placed certain desires in my heart and is guiding my feet where He needs me to be. I am His child and He has the best in mind for me, I just have to trust Him and His timing.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Epiphanies
I had the most bizarre dream last night! I was with my sister and my mom and we were at home sorting through possessions of my grandmother's (who is deceased) and several other extended family members were there (who are also deceased). One highlight was that Donnie Wahlberg just happened to be my cousin! Odd, I know! Anyways, at some part during the dream my teeth began to fall out. I vividly remember a hole appeared in one tooth and the center of it popped out. I'm freaking out and my mom is frantically trying to find a dentist on a Saturday morning and I am calling a former staff member who wants to be a dentist asking if she knows anyone that I can go see. This is where either my memory stops or the dream ends. I have no idea if my teeth are ever restored.
I am one of those people that is fascinated by the meaning of dreams, so I roll over in bed, grab my iPhone and immediately begin googling my disturbing dream. I find a pretty lengthy article and dive right in. I'm told that teeth falling out in a dream can symbolize a loss of power, reflect a feeling of rejection or even represent anxieties of being embarrassed. I keep reading and find a spiritual interpretation of my dream, seems that losing teeth can be an illustration of man wandering from God's word and placing too much emphasis on societies perceptions. Bingo!
Lately, I have been dealing with some serious body issues. I have managed to convince myself that a certain guy isn't interested in me because of my size. I have compared myself to other girls he finds attractive and the only conclusion I can come to is that I'm just too big for him. I have no factual information to back this up, just the musings of an over analytical mind. I am trapped in a society where size really does matter and I have let that thought consume my heart and mind. Ugh. I have placed the standards of man over the word of God.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that God has made everything beautiful in its time. Proverbs 31 tells us that charm and beauty are fleeting and that character is where the true value is. Genesis tells me that I am made in His image, how can I not love that? God is telling me that I am placing way to much emphasis on what the world says is attractive and not enough on what He says the type of woman I should be. My value isn't found in worldly standards but in heavenly ones. I am much more than just a pretty face. I am loving, caring, giving, supportive, loyal, dependable, smart, fun, and kinda goofy. I love all these qualities and need to work on loving who I am on the outside too.
I'm thankful that God has opened my eyes to the way I have been thinking. I'm glad that Joseph wasn't the only one He spoke to in dreams! I'm still going to continue working out and attempting to eat better but my motivation as changed; no longer will it be to catch the eye of a boy but to become healthier and feel more confident for myself. My beauty is captured in my soul and my heart, that's what I want to be loved for.
I am one of those people that is fascinated by the meaning of dreams, so I roll over in bed, grab my iPhone and immediately begin googling my disturbing dream. I find a pretty lengthy article and dive right in. I'm told that teeth falling out in a dream can symbolize a loss of power, reflect a feeling of rejection or even represent anxieties of being embarrassed. I keep reading and find a spiritual interpretation of my dream, seems that losing teeth can be an illustration of man wandering from God's word and placing too much emphasis on societies perceptions. Bingo!
Lately, I have been dealing with some serious body issues. I have managed to convince myself that a certain guy isn't interested in me because of my size. I have compared myself to other girls he finds attractive and the only conclusion I can come to is that I'm just too big for him. I have no factual information to back this up, just the musings of an over analytical mind. I am trapped in a society where size really does matter and I have let that thought consume my heart and mind. Ugh. I have placed the standards of man over the word of God.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that God has made everything beautiful in its time. Proverbs 31 tells us that charm and beauty are fleeting and that character is where the true value is. Genesis tells me that I am made in His image, how can I not love that? God is telling me that I am placing way to much emphasis on what the world says is attractive and not enough on what He says the type of woman I should be. My value isn't found in worldly standards but in heavenly ones. I am much more than just a pretty face. I am loving, caring, giving, supportive, loyal, dependable, smart, fun, and kinda goofy. I love all these qualities and need to work on loving who I am on the outside too.
I'm thankful that God has opened my eyes to the way I have been thinking. I'm glad that Joseph wasn't the only one He spoke to in dreams! I'm still going to continue working out and attempting to eat better but my motivation as changed; no longer will it be to catch the eye of a boy but to become healthier and feel more confident for myself. My beauty is captured in my soul and my heart, that's what I want to be loved for.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Love and Kindness
It has been a very long day! My alarm went off at 5am so that I could serve as a RUO (Responsible University Official) for a volunteer event. My group went to the International Museum of Culture, where I cleaned all the glass casing for the exhibits. The Director and her staff were very thankful for our time and energy, we accomplished all the tasks that they rarely have time for. We did good!
This evening I decided to finally go and purchase the few remaining pieces I needed to transform my full size bed into a queen size. I needed a bedskirt and wooden slats to reinforce the frame. I arrived at the lumber aisle of Home Depot and I must have looked completely out of place because an older gentlemen asked if I needed help with something. After explaining what I was looking for he told me I was looking at the wrong wood and instructed me on what to purchase and how many stats I would need. I left the store with exactly what I needed. I was saved by the friendliness of a stranger.
I get home and finally get my bed a part and reassembled to the dimensions of a queen...or so I thought. Turns out that I had currently calculated the width of the new bed, but failed to consider the length. Here I was with a brand new box spring, a free mattress and all the bedding for a queen but not the right bed frame. Fail. I quickly jump on the internet to start pricing bed rails and realize that I need a certain kind since I have the headboard and footboard. Fail times 2. I make a made dash to a furniture store that is open until 9 (whew!) in search of the much needed rails. I can get the rails at the store, it will only take 2 weeks for them to get here, I think back to my bedroom that is a huge mess thanks to my new and old mattress sets. Fail times 3. Then the sales associate asks if she can give me some advice, certainly! Although, it meant losing a sale she tells me to go to a mattress store that will undoubtedly have what I need. Score! Thanks to her kindness I will be able to pick up my new bed frame tomorrow!
I could not be more thankful for the kindness of two perfect strangers today. One helped me avoid picking out the wrong wood for my bed and the other saved the day by telling me to make a purchase that wasn't from her store. Neither person had anything to gain from offering words of wisdom or taking the time to point me in the right direction but they did anyway. How often do you take the time to for a random act of kindness?
John 13:35, Jesus tells us to love one another as He has loved us; 1 John 4:19 says we love because He first loved us; 1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that love is patient and kind. Love isn't always the weak in the knees, fireworks going off, butterflies in the stomach feeling but it is a glow that surrounds you when you reach out to those around you. We are instructed to show love to everyone that crosses our path, regardless if they have shown it to us or not. This is what makes people stand out, this is what makes people genuine. Our society constantly places personal needs and desires above anything else, when was the last time you put someone's needs above your own...and not for the returned favor or the ceremonially pat on the back, but because you simply felt moved to make a difference? God wants us to embrace each individual that comes into our lives and to show them love and kindness. I think the Beatles may have had a good grasp on this topic...all you need is love!
This evening I decided to finally go and purchase the few remaining pieces I needed to transform my full size bed into a queen size. I needed a bedskirt and wooden slats to reinforce the frame. I arrived at the lumber aisle of Home Depot and I must have looked completely out of place because an older gentlemen asked if I needed help with something. After explaining what I was looking for he told me I was looking at the wrong wood and instructed me on what to purchase and how many stats I would need. I left the store with exactly what I needed. I was saved by the friendliness of a stranger.
I get home and finally get my bed a part and reassembled to the dimensions of a queen...or so I thought. Turns out that I had currently calculated the width of the new bed, but failed to consider the length. Here I was with a brand new box spring, a free mattress and all the bedding for a queen but not the right bed frame. Fail. I quickly jump on the internet to start pricing bed rails and realize that I need a certain kind since I have the headboard and footboard. Fail times 2. I make a made dash to a furniture store that is open until 9 (whew!) in search of the much needed rails. I can get the rails at the store, it will only take 2 weeks for them to get here, I think back to my bedroom that is a huge mess thanks to my new and old mattress sets. Fail times 3. Then the sales associate asks if she can give me some advice, certainly! Although, it meant losing a sale she tells me to go to a mattress store that will undoubtedly have what I need. Score! Thanks to her kindness I will be able to pick up my new bed frame tomorrow!
I could not be more thankful for the kindness of two perfect strangers today. One helped me avoid picking out the wrong wood for my bed and the other saved the day by telling me to make a purchase that wasn't from her store. Neither person had anything to gain from offering words of wisdom or taking the time to point me in the right direction but they did anyway. How often do you take the time to for a random act of kindness?
John 13:35, Jesus tells us to love one another as He has loved us; 1 John 4:19 says we love because He first loved us; 1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that love is patient and kind. Love isn't always the weak in the knees, fireworks going off, butterflies in the stomach feeling but it is a glow that surrounds you when you reach out to those around you. We are instructed to show love to everyone that crosses our path, regardless if they have shown it to us or not. This is what makes people stand out, this is what makes people genuine. Our society constantly places personal needs and desires above anything else, when was the last time you put someone's needs above your own...and not for the returned favor or the ceremonially pat on the back, but because you simply felt moved to make a difference? God wants us to embrace each individual that comes into our lives and to show them love and kindness. I think the Beatles may have had a good grasp on this topic...all you need is love!
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